Is This Cocaine-Shaming Judge The Snarkiest Person Of All Time?

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I got into the office early today because most companies are normal and have the day off, so the roads were virtually empty. Crusty-eyed and groggy, I sat at my desk drinking the garbage my office tries to pass as coffee when I came across an incredible New York Post headline: “Judge Mocks Yuppies Busted For Buying Coke.” I thought maybe he’d have made some snide comment about cocaine brunch or their cocaine Instagram accounts. Nope. Not even close. This judge was just the snarkiest dude ever to put on the robes. Let’s break down this New York Post article, highlighting all the moves of this big swinging dick of a judge.

A fed-up judge mocked a crew of yuppy Manhattanites busted for buying cocaine – including a financial consultant, a Fox TV producer and Merrill Lynch associate – who were paraded into court looking downcast and dazed.

Seems par for the course. I always knew cocaine was the lifeblood that made millennial New Yorkers tick, especially the ones in finance, because, you know, stereotypes.

The most impressive name on the 18-defendant indictment, Chipotle Mexican Grill chief of marketing and development Mark Crumpacker, dodged the courtroom humiliation as he was out of state and couldn’t immediately be nabbed by authorities.

Chipotle finally catching a break! Crumpacker (wicked name) for sure was starting an initiative to sneak coke into our burritos to ensure we start going back to chipotle. Pretty genius, honestly. This Crumpacker can just stay out of the state and be a scofflaw right? I’d just never go back to New York again. He made $4.3 million last year, by the way, and probably only put a quarter of that up his nose.

Roman Yoffe, 33, who works for RVY Accounting Services in the Financial District, was not so lucky. He’s charged with buying over $2,500 in nose candy on at least 11 occasions near his company’s office at 77 Water Street, prosecutors said. Defense lawyer Bruce Yerman asked Justice Edward McLaughlin to release Yoffe without bail, pointing out his 9-months-pregnant wife, who is a lawyer, sitting teary eyed in the gallery. “$30,000 bond, cash alternative $7,500,” said the judge, setting a bail amount that’s typically reserved for felonies. “Good luck with the baby!” McLaughlin added as a dejected Yoffe was led out in cuffs.

Good luck with the baby?! What an incredible way to kick a guy when he’s down. Essentially saying, your wife’s more blown up than Violet in Willy Wonka, baby’s prairie dogging, and you’re dropping thousands on coke. Roman, think of all the diapers you could have bought with that bail money. You’re fucked, bro. Good luck with your baby! But wait, it gets better.

Glum Katie Welnhofer, a graduate of Northwestern University who now works as a writer and producer for Fox Business’ “Mornings with Maria,” also faced the jurist’s scorn. The 30-year-old allegedly bought cocaine from the Manhattan delivery service twice. Defense lawyer Gary Koos requested that she be released citing her lack of a criminal record and impressive education. McLaughlin was unmoved. “I think maybe it’s just for persnicketiness on my part, I think someone who is either a user or addicted is inherently unreliable, so I am not sanguine about the prospects of you remembering your court appearance,” he said. “$15,00 bond, cash alternative of $4,250.”

Justice McLaughlin with some Scripps National Spelling Bee type vocabulary right there! Wow, holy shit, take it easy McLaughlin. Just because you probably used to get stuffed in lockers and given swirlies by these yuppies doesn’t mean you need to drop words like “persnicketiness.” What a douchebag. Just trying to flaunt his braininess in front of everyone.

Also, need to shout out defense lawyer Gary Koos here. Citing his client’s “impressive education” as a reason to just be released of a drug charge is hilarious. “But sir, she went to Northwestern. Did you hear what I said? Northwestern.” What, you don’t think literally every single money manager with an MBA from Harvard isn’t dabbling with the Bolivian marching powder? Grow up Koos, Peter Pan Count Chocula.

McLaughlin was having no part of it. “I don’t care that she has a top-flight education, she’s a writer for Fox Business and I’m a staunch liberal and don’t support the Fox brand, so this young lady who bought coke twice is definitely an addict and won’t show up for her court appearance.” McLaughlin insulting her reliability straight to her face. You have no choice but to respect the move.

Next stop was Christopher Dodson, 28, a Merrill Lynch associate who prosecutors described as the “most prolific buyer” on the indictment allegedly purchasing over $7,600 in cocaine. Defense lawyer Phil Schnelwar argued that Dodson should be released without bail as he has no convictions. “He has no convictions in what sense?” the judge asked playfully. “Criminal convictions,” the lawyer answered. “He does have convictions.” “We haven’t seen any evidence of that,” McLaughlin retorted. “He has so much money I’m sure he’ll be able to post.” Schnelwar persisted in his bail argument assuring the judge he called all his clients the day before they are due in court. “Not getting stoned between the time you call and the time a judge would need him is another matter,” said McLaughlin. “$30,000 bond, $7,500 cash alternative.”

Now the judge is just fucking with us. Laugh out loud funny that every time he comes across a word with multiple meanings, like “conviction,” he just rams it down the lawyer’s throat. “Oh he has no conviction?! He doesn’t believe in anything? He has no opinions? What a lawless human. Lock him up.” At this point McLaughlin just comes across as bitter, basically implying that he can set bail at whatever he wants because this Merrill Lynch bro has so much cheddar cheese that posting it will be, like, well, buying a weekend’s worth of cocaine. McLaughlin then buries the guy buy insinuating that once he posts bail he’s just going to be ripping lines until he’s due back in court. Maybe he will and maybe he won’t, but Judge McLaughlin sounds like a nerd.

If you’re in the NYC area, stay woke. You might end up in McLaughlin’s courtroom, where he will proceed to be snarky, so wordy that it’s almost incomprehensible, and insulting. .

[via New York Post]

Image via Shutterstock

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Boston Max

Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly

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