Bolen: Your new book is all about the ups and downs of parenthood. Two of my good friends are about to have their first kid, and will be the first couple in my close circle of friends to reproduce. The thought of being responsible for another human being is insane to me, as I’ve just recently figured out how to take care of a dog, and am still trying to figure out how to take care of myself. Is there any specific advice you wish someone had given you that would’ve helped during your first few months as a new parent?
Drew Magary: I would have a shitload of burpcloths ready, and I would tell people to NEVER ask for fancy baby clothes. They don’t fit, the baby hates them, and 98% of the time you put the baby in a plain white onesie because it’s easy. People set up elaborate nurseries and buy fancy shit for babies when babies don’t care. At all. You’ll paint some nursery and the kid will want to sleep in a drawer.
Bolen: Which chapter of Someone Could Get Hurt was the most fun to write, and why?
Drew Magary: I was strangely looking forward to writing about my DUI arrest, only because I’ve known for four years that I was gonna write about it somehow. I dunno that it was “fun” to write, just something I’d been aching to purge from my system.
Bolen: What was it like writing about some of the darker moments you’ve experienced as a father for what is overall a very funny book?
Drew Magary: That’s the most important shit to include. Funny is a cheap commodity now. You can go online and find funny shit in a relatively short order. You need to do better than funny now. You need to be funny in a way that people feel like you’re trying to make a deeper connection. So that’s what I try to do, unless I’m writing something for Deadspin and someone at ESPN wrote something dumb that day.
Bolen: I am still in awe of how both my parents didn’t suffer panic-induced heart attacks when I was acting like a total jackass between the ages of 15 and 23. Your kids are still young, but how have you learned to cope with the inevitable anxiety that comes with raising miniature human beings?
Drew Magary: I don’t think you ever really cope. You always worry and you always fear what’s next. But you eventually just push forward knowing you can’t really do much about getting rid of the anxiety. You see people get pets after their kids leave the house because they’re so used to having something around to dote on and worry about.
Bolen: The other day, your agent, Byrd Leavell, tweeted out a photo of the cover for the British edition of Someone Could Get Hurt. How ridiculous is that British title, and what the hell does it mean?
Drew Magary: I was told BABYGROW is British for onesie. I tried to convince them to use the US title, but UK people seem to be adamant that I never have any kind of book title synergy. I hope the BLOKES over there DOLLYWAG over it. I made that second British term up.
Bolen: Having lived and worked in New York City at some point relatively shortly after graduating from college, how was your experience compared to all the self-involved, angsty, whiny, postgrad crap that’s portrayed by Lena Dunham and her show, Girls?
Drew Magary: I’ve never seen that show, and yet I’ve still managed to see the inside of Lena Dunham’s birth canal. Anyway, I was probably annoying. I know I still had to take money from my parents, because no one can afford to live in Manhattan, not even the rich people. I loved living there, but then you leave and you spend time in a normal part of the country and you wonder how you EVER lived in that place when everyone is so closely packed together and pissed at one another.
Bolen: You often tweet out links to stories about spiders, overgrown underwater worm beasts, and other terrifying organisms. Do you have an irrational fear of such creatures, and are you attempting to spread it? It’s working. Of those things, what is the most disturbing?
Drew Magary: I’ve hated cockroaches my entire life. One time we were living in Chicago and my sister brought me into the bathroom to look at a water bug perched on the sink. It scared me to death. Tweeting jokes about it helps me cope, in a way. I’m not as jumpy killing cave crickets as I used to be. I still jump plenty though.
Bolen: Several of my coworkers and I dread the day that we have children with the ability to Google our names and see the ridiculous things we’ve published online. As a fellow writer, how do you plan to handle that impending situation with your kids?
Drew Magary: I just have to hope that I’ve developed a good enough relationship with them in real life that what I do professionally is of little consequence. I know that I’ll probably end up regretting some shit I wrote once my kids can read it, but I spend a LOT of time with them. I spend all my time with them, so I think they’ll probably end up liking me regardless.
Bolen: Your column Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Houston Texans sent me spiraling into a dark depression that lasted well over thirty minutes. Thanks for that. What about this 2013 NFL season are you most looking forward to?
Drew Magary: VINE! So many Vines to take.
Bolen: You just sold the movie option to your novel, The Postmortal, which I highly recommend, by the way. Tell us about that, as well as anything else you’ve got going on or feel like venting about.
Drew Magary: I’m hoping to do another novel soon but normal shit has been getting in the way. But I think that’s okay. I feel like it’s nice to have a backlog of ideas to pull from.