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I normally have a heavy heart when I present you with the lone person from hometowns who didn’t get the invite to the fantasy factory, but not this one. Not tonight. Because it’s not like this little virgin boy Colton Underwood really knows what he’s going to be missing, and Becca clearly is into someone else more than Colton and wasn’t going to deal with a fantasy suite with a virgin. What were they gonna do, sit around all night and play Settlers of Catan?
I have no sympathy for Colton. And it’s not because he’s a virgin who dated Tia for two days and told his parents alllll about it. No, it’s because for some time now, I’ve had a grudge against Colton Underwood. He didn’t deserve Aly Raisman, and I’m just happy to sit back and watch Aly dominate their breakup. I mean, she’s gracing the cover of magazines and he’s trying to cling to fame by dating Tia and Becca from The Bachelor franchise? I’ve got no sympathy.
Oh, and, he’s a big fat liar. Didn’t he tell Becca he’d never brought someone home before?
“I’ve never brought a girl home” pic.twitter.com/kmjBTr5Zuw
— Lane Movsovitz (@xmovlanex) July 17, 2018
Anyway, in honor of the 26 year-old Colton who somehow played four years of D1 football and never managed to get laid at a party, let’s plug in some Madonna “Like a Virgin” and, as always, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
Colton, 26, former footballer from Denver, Colorado
Colton is going to have a bit of the Tim Tebow thing going on where he’s going to have billions of women throw themselves at him now and it’s gonna get wild. And I, for one, cannot wait. You can follow his journey on Instagram. Serious question: do you think the show would pick a virgin to be the next bachelor? Probably not. And that’s virginist. And that’s wrong.
What I can’t fathom is how 1) his dad knew about Tia when it seemed like they’d only been on a few dates and 2) he told his mom he was a virgin. How do the producers get him to divulge this shit to his parents?! It’s B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
RIP. .
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
No homo, but there’s no way that dude has never gotten laid.
What is he doing with his body in the last photo? It looks like he’s pushing an invisible wheelbarrow.
Looks like he’s mid-stride and mid-arm swing.
But pushing an invisible wheelbarrow is better. Maybe he’s high on that good Colorado weed
“totally candid”
Would’ve loved to see Chris Harrison tell him, “it’s lower than think” as Colton was about to head into the fantasy suite, shucks.
I really wanted him to make it to fantasy suite just for the awkwardness or possibly the big moment.
Colton looks like he’s never formed a coherent thought by himself