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It’s America’s birthday week, so obviously we have to celebrate the only way we know how: by enjoying the misery of others. This week Becca committed a triple homicide sent three boys home crying, letting them fend for themselves for Instagram likes and a chance to shake things up down in Mexico for a week or so this summer.
We lost Connor, sure, but this week it’s really all about Chris and Lincoln. If Jordan was the villain that we needed for entertainment purposes, Chris and Lincoln were the villains that made us want to take a baseball bat to our fifty inchers. Their constant bickering and whining and threatening to pummel each other was getting old real quick. I’d say we’ll probably see them on Bachelor in Paradise, but even the moronic leaders of this franchise who cling to headlines like a Kardashian won’t stoop to having Lincoln back on their airwaves after he was convicted of indecent assault and battery.
Anyway, let’s eulogize these inglorious basterds. Plug in some Freebird, because #America, and as always, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
Chris, 30, sales trainer and former fatty from Orlando, Florida
Chris was the epitome of a Bachelor shooting star: early one-on-one date, seemed to have a good rapport with Becca, then crashed down to Earth at a ferocious pace. His constant whining and bitching was annoying and he sucks, plain and simple. Can’t wait to see him in paradise!
I was going to say he looks like a washed-up boy band pop star, and then I saw this and confirmed that shit:
Does Danny Wood from NKOTB have a long lost son? The similarities are striking bahahahahaha pic.twitter.com/3y4nWs0krB
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) March 19, 2018
Lincoln, 26, account sales executive from Los Angeles, California
Damn does Lincoln suck. Born in Nigeria, grew up in the UK, spent his formative US years in Boston before fleeing to Los Angeles after some, um, incidents.
This guy is a flat out psychopath, and I would give you some photos of him since he’s a fucking brick house of pure muscle but his Instagram is private at the moment, probably because he’s facing jail time? Instead of looking at his photos, let’s dive into the time that back when he was living and working in Boston, he allegedly shit on the floor at his office.
Caroline Lunney and some others tweeted this out and was confirmed by some folks from Boston “in the know.”
I have heard this from MULTIPLE sources.
— Caroline Lunny (@CarolineLunny) June 5, 2018
Seriously, fuck this guy.
Connor, 25, fitness coach from St. Petersburg, Florida
Connor started off this season with quite the snafu, throwing that picture of Becca and Lincoln out the window, but I thought the way he recovered – by throwing a picture of himself into the pool – was, like, kind of cute. Anyway, he has nice hair but there wasn’t much else going on for him. He wasn’t long for this show, but maybe he’ll fair better in paradise where clothing is more of an optional piece. Oh yeah, he also spent one year in minor league baseball; he hit .219 in rookie ball.
RIP. .
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
Connor leaving was sad. Connor with glasses leaving is a tragedy.
I thought the same thing about Chris looking like that due from New Kids. Not sure what that says about me that I know what the New Kids currently look like, but here we are…