======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
It’s with the utmost sadness that I report the deaths eliminations of three more girls that have fallen victim to who the authorities are calling “The Kissing Bandit.” Lauren S, 31, Annaliese, 32, and Bibiana, 30, all share relatively nothing in common – save for the burning desire for Instagram followers and to maintain relevance into their 30s – but authorities find it strange that all three Rose-less beauties were all over the age of 30. It’s becoming exceedingly clear that their assailant, Arie Luyendyk Jr., while maintaining the thirst for a wife, also is stipulating that said wife is going to be young enough to till the fields for many years to come.
These three losses are sure to hit a lot of people hard. Bibiana, Annaliese, and Lauren S will definitely be missed. I know it’s going to take some time to get over these fallen beauties, so let’s pay our respects. We’ll set the tribute to The Cranberries today in honor of the sudden passing of Dolores O’Riordan. Tell your friends and family you love them because you never know when you’ll suddenly be without a rose. And, as always, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
Lauren S, 31, social media manager from Dallas, Texas
Lauren S goes down and we’re now down to two Lauren’s. Lauren S was pretty, sure. But honestly have you ever seen someone so utterly awful at a first date? What we witnessed Monday night, with Lauren and Arie up in Napa, was perhaps the worst first date ever shown on television, and I’m including prom night in There’s Something About Mary. My roommate even walked through, said something to the effect of, “why do they keep talking about how pretty the scenery is?” and it was honestly the most insightful thing this kid’s ever said. I mean he’s hundo P right. If you’re on a first date at a fucking vineyard, you should have a bazillion things to talk about, to joke around about, and Lauren botched this date harder than Bill Buckner.
Annaliese, 32, event designer from San Mateo, California
Annaliese may have only been around a few weeks, but her legacy on The Bachelor is sure to linger for years. The first person to get not one, but two – count ’em two – flashback dramatizations recounting “traumatic” incidents from her childhood. She cried about a bumper cars trauma. She stressed out over a dog trauma. Well, toots, I got news for you: you’ve appropriated PTSD in a way that deserves all the public ridicule. I mean, we’ve got soldiers coming home from war with PTSD, we’ve got millennials going out to brunch only to learn they’re out of avocado toast. So stuff your sorry’s in a sack. Annaliese will also have to add “balconies” to her trauma list, because I’ve never seen someone get rejected for a kiss so hard in my life, and from now on she’ll associate balconies with rejection and humiliation. Arie telling Annaliese that they’re “just not there yet” when he literally kissed a gaggle of strangers on night one is a brutal L for Annaliese. Pray for her.
Bibiana, 30, executive assistant from Miami, Florida
This one hurts me the most. I was a hugeeee Bibiana fan. She was the baddest bitch in the house. The ultimate fire cracker. The mami for all the papis. A girl who will call everyone on their bullshit and shank you just to prove she’s not fucking around. Fun fact about Bibiana: she’s a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader and was FHM’s America’s Sexiest Cheerleader in 2006. Also need to mention that she’s a dead ringer – I’m talking ultimate doppelganger, even down to her voice – for Abella Danger (don’t Google her until you’re home).
Is Bibiana secretly Abella Danger: my column #thebachelor pic.twitter.com/ocGjOynWfn
— Boston Max (@BostonMaxG) January 16, 2018
RIP. .
Image via ABC / YouTube
Respond
Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
Lauren S , if you’re reading this…. Sup? I’m in Dallas majority of the weekends.
Touching Base should have her on. Jack Stone gave us a peek behind the curtain and I think hers would be equally if not more interesting.
So far we are 100% on aspiring Instagram models.
**Lauren S goes down and we’re now down to one Lauren.**
Such a great recap of this week’s Batchelor episode and your humor is fantastic. I never laughed so hard in my life and I actually watched most of the episode! I had to let you know how funny you are. Seriously!