Before we get into the Week 2 obituaries, I’ve got a quick thought on the obituaries from Week 1. You may have heard on Touching Base that all the girls who got sent home week 1 have teamed up and rebranded themselves as the Rosé Girls. If you’re not a toucher, I gotta tell you about this.
The seven girls who got sent home week one have teamed up to start a…Vlog? Blog? Website? Instagram? It would seem all of the above (Instagram here and website). They even had a whole fucking photo shoot already. And you know what I think about all this? It’s the thirstiest I’ve ever seen anyone for followers, and I respect their hustle SOOO much. They know that by being sent home week one their brand is completely shot. Nobody remembers the week 1 girls. But if they team up? Completely changes the dynamic. Followers like the pros do it.
Okay, enough about the week 1 girls. This is all about the ones we lost week two. So, let’s pour one out. Spill a drop of wine for each fallen beauty. Plug in some Sarah McLachlan, and come sit Shiva with me. Lord knows we need family now more than ever. And, as always, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
Jenny, 25, graphic designer from Northbrook, Illinois
Jenny will be remembered for saying what we all were thinking when Annaliese started crying because the demolition derby brought back bumper car PTSD. Jenny perfectly encapsulated the sheer absurdity of a 32 year-old crying about a childhood bumper car incident, and I absolutely loved how Jenny exclaimed that the tears wouldn’t stop her from ramming her car as hard as humanly possibly up Annaliese’s tailpipe.
And then, when she didn’t get a rose, she completely stunted on Arie, sent his ass back to Holland and danced on his deportation papers, when she refused to hug him after he sent her home. Incredible move! Such a power play and it’s a shame we didn’t get to see more of her feistiness as the weeks continue. And when it’s all said and done, she may have dropped THE most savage line after a breakup in Bachelor history: “I’m not sad about you, I’m sad about leaving all my friends.” And not to be understated, but she hundo p is torn up that she’ll have a hard time building the social media following she was hoping for. So throw her a sympathy follow. It’ll make her day.
Valerie, 25, server from Nashville, Tennessee
Valerie made the absolutely insane decision to dye her hair this weird shade of auburn? Red? It didn’t look good and it makes no sense why she wouldn’t just rock her natural hair. It’s like when Ricky ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn could throw 100 mph gas and he refused to uncork his fastball, instead trying to bamboozle hitters with a bunch of stupid off-speed bullshit. Just throw your fastball, babe!!!
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Lauren G, 26, executive recruiter from Indianapolis, Indiana
Lauren G. What is there to say about Lauren G. Not much. Cricky said she looked like Rachel Lindsay with good teeth, so we’ll put that on her headstone. “Here lies Lauren G: Crick said she had nice teeth.” Which, honestly, I’ll be honest, kind of an honor to be complimented by Crick and have that
etched on your headstone immortalized on the internet for eternity.
Thoughts and prayers. RIP. .
Image via ABC / YouTube