======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
As another week closes here at PGP, let’s pay our respects to the fallen angels from Monday’s The Bachelor. We lost: Ali, Jessica, Nysha, Olivia, Bri, Lauren J, Amber, and Brittane. So sit back, plug in some Sarah McLachlan, and pour one of for our girls who left us too soon.
Don’t cry because it’s over, everyone. Smile because it happened. We lost a lot of really good women out there this week, yes, and it’s never easy. Pray for them. Mourner’s Kaddish if you’re Jewish and whatever prayers the non-Jews say. Light some candles. Hold a vigil. Something tells me these women will be more than alright though. Still, throw them a pity follow on Instagram. Lord knows they need it more than ever right now.
Ali, 27, personal stylist from Lawton, Oklahoma
This girl made Arie smell under her armpits when they first met, so suffice to say that if you’re looking to get out of a relationship presto changeo, have you potential mate smell your pits. Whether or not there’s a stench I’d say is besides the point.
Jessica, 26, TV host from Calgary, Alberta, Canada
She was wicked torn up because her dad met Arie once and she sentimentally wants her husband to have met her now deceased father. Pretty sad, but like, come on Jessica, you know there was no way Arie would marry a Canadian. Canadians and the Dutch don’t mesh. Plus even if you were the last girl standing, divorce is inevitable. Something tells me the already Instagram-verified TV host is giong ot be A-OK.
It's never too early for champagne on NYE HAPPY NEW YEAR . . I always feel like there’s a bit of mystery and magic bringing in a new year ✨ 2017 has been an adventure! I started the year without a clue of how events would turn, and looking over the good (and the bad) moments, I can say with absolute certainty that it’s only made me more confident in my own skin. To landing a dream job with @hsn, doing the splits with @xobetseyjohnson on national TV, hosting with @wendyshow, to sharing my dad’s story, to hitting over 100k subscribers on YouTube, to The Bachelor; it’s been one heck of a ride! I couldn’t have done it without all the love and support from you! Sending a big kiss to you all and wishing you a wonderful NYE! #happynewyear #2018
Nysha, 30, orthopedic nurse from Belton, South Carolina
Nysha was the nurse who said she really liked blood. Too bad she couldn’t stick around to witness the bloodbath that is The Bachelor up close and personal.
Olivia, 23, marketing associate from Geneseo, Illinois
Bold move by Arie cutting one of the youngest contestants so soon, but maybe he’s not into the curly hair look? I mean, seriously, y’all ever met someone with curlier hair? It’s pretty mesmerizing, to be honest.
As 2017 comes to an end, I can only be thankful for what it has given me and the personal growth that I experienced. Through many smiles, tears, and laughs, the most important lesson I learned was the act of self-love. Because without it, it’s impossible to live your life to the fullest . . . So here’s to 2018. To new and hopeful beginnings. And to the memories that will be made with lifelong friends and eternal family. Cheers
Bri, 25, sports reporter from Grants Pass, Oregon
I thought this girl had a title run in her. She hurled a softball right into Arie’s nads, got his attention, and she had the looks and TV host charisma to back it up. Currently a Portland Trailblazers sideline reporter, I’m sure she has Erin Andrews-esque aspirations, so kind of ballsy for Arie to cut ties so soon. Fuck it, Bri, if you want a to be a sugar momma, I’ll be a stay home dad/blogger for you. Call me, 867-5309.
Lauren J, 33, recent masters graduate (aka unemployed?) from New Roads, Louisiana
And then there were three. One of the Lauren’s is now gonzo. I don’t have much to say about her other than I’m glad we could begin to eliminate some Lauren’s due to confusion purposes, and I hope she gets a job real soon.
Amber, 29, spray tan salon owner from Denver, Colorado
She said that thing to Arie about how she’s seen tons of peen because she gives lots of spray tans and my one thought is, um, do guys really get their dicks spray tanned? Like if I got a spray tan because I’m as white as bomb cyclone snow, do I have to get my hangdown spray tanned? Is that something I could opt out of? Way too many questions, but maybe I’ll get a spray tan and report back.
Brittane, 27, marketing manager from San Diego, California
This was the girl that Cricky said looked like Cardi B and Nicki Minaj were put through that Snapchat filter where the faces get blended and he’s pretty spot on, although to be fair, there are certain, um, parts of her that are way more Nicki Minaj, if you ask me.
Checkout our podcast, Touching Base (on the Bachelor). We talked to longtime friend of the show, Jack Stone, aka The Stone Man.
Image via YouTube