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As another week closes here at PGP, let’s pay our respects to the fallen angels from Monday’s The Bachelor. We lost: Ali, Jessica, Nysha, Olivia, Bri, Lauren J, Amber, and Brittane. So sit back, plug in some Sarah McLachlan, and pour one of for our girls who left us too soon.
Don’t cry because it’s over, everyone. Smile because it happened. We lost a lot of really good women out there this week, yes, and it’s never easy. Pray for them. Mourner’s Kaddish if you’re Jewish and whatever prayers the non-Jews say. Light some candles. Hold a vigil. Something tells me these women will be more than alright though. Still, throw them a pity follow on Instagram. Lord knows they need it more than ever right now.
Ali, 27, personal stylist from Lawton, Oklahoma
This girl made Arie smell under her armpits when they first met, so suffice to say that if you’re looking to get out of a relationship presto changeo, have you potential mate smell your pits. Whether or not there’s a stench I’d say is besides the point.
Jessica, 26, TV host from Calgary, Alberta, Canada
She was wicked torn up because her dad met Arie once and she sentimentally wants her husband to have met her now deceased father. Pretty sad, but like, come on Jessica, you know there was no way Arie would marry a Canadian. Canadians and the Dutch don’t mesh. Plus even if you were the last girl standing, divorce is inevitable. Something tells me the already Instagram-verified TV host is giong ot be A-OK.
Nysha, 30, orthopedic nurse from Belton, South Carolina
Nysha was the nurse who said she really liked blood. Too bad she couldn’t stick around to witness the bloodbath that is The Bachelor up close and personal.
Olivia, 23, marketing associate from Geneseo, Illinois
Bold move by Arie cutting one of the youngest contestants so soon, but maybe he’s not into the curly hair look? I mean, seriously, y’all ever met someone with curlier hair? It’s pretty mesmerizing, to be honest.
Bri, 25, sports reporter from Grants Pass, Oregon
I thought this girl had a title run in her. She hurled a softball right into Arie’s nads, got his attention, and she had the looks and TV host charisma to back it up. Currently a Portland Trailblazers sideline reporter, I’m sure she has Erin Andrews-esque aspirations, so kind of ballsy for Arie to cut ties so soon. Fuck it, Bri, if you want a to be a sugar momma, I’ll be a stay home dad/blogger for you. Call me, 867-5309.
Lauren J, 33, recent masters graduate (aka unemployed?) from New Roads, Louisiana
And then there were three. One of the Lauren’s is now gonzo. I don’t have much to say about her other than I’m glad we could begin to eliminate some Lauren’s due to confusion purposes, and I hope she gets a job real soon.
Amber, 29, spray tan salon owner from Denver, Colorado
She said that thing to Arie about how she’s seen tons of peen because she gives lots of spray tans and my one thought is, um, do guys really get their dicks spray tanned? Like if I got a spray tan because I’m as white as bomb cyclone snow, do I have to get my hangdown spray tanned? Is that something I could opt out of? Way too many questions, but maybe I’ll get a spray tan and report back.
Brittane, 27, marketing manager from San Diego, California
This was the girl that Cricky said looked like Cardi B and Nicki Minaj were put through that Snapchat filter where the faces get blended and he’s pretty spot on, although to be fair, there are certain, um, parts of her that are way more Nicki Minaj, if you ask me.
RIP. .
Checkout our podcast, Touching Base (on the Bachelor). We talked to longtime friend of the show, Jack Stone, aka The Stone Man.
Image via YouTube
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Boston Max
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Snack. Snack. Snack. Snack. Snack. Snack. Snack. Snack.
Lauren J was the best out of all the women. Unemployed? It’s not like the other 28 are going to do anything once they get their hands on their money.
She’s slightly older (read: less likely to be a lunatic) and if she’s not a 12/10 in the looks department, no one is.
Checked out Lauren’s Instagram and discovered after knowing each other for about 5 hours they decided to create their own basic bitch gang called “The Rosé Girls” which is almost as cool as Duda and the Pinot Grigio Boys
Max you’re out here doing the Lords work
Bri just stared straight ahead the whole time in the House. Not much there
Limited camera time had me worried as the roses dwindled, but I breathed a sign of relief when noted Jenny Slate lookalike Bibiana got hers. I’m a Bibiana Boy.