I’m Working Today And It’s Killing Me

I'm Working Today And It's Killing Me

Obviously, the physical act of working, or being at work in general, is technically the worst thing. Today was like any other day: I woke up about eight or nine minutes before my alarm went off, wide awake. Naturally, I maxed out my possible sleep time and felt like garbage when my alarm went off for doing so. That, in and of itself, was truly terrible, but at least I was prepared for it. I was not prepared for the subtle, mental jabs that I’d be receiving from the moment I pulled my pollen covered vehicle out of the driveway.

There’s No Traffic

Awesome, right? I just cruised into work, slowing down only for the occasional cyclist that thinks he’s a real vehicle (I support your right to cycle, but know your role). Great stuff. There’s nobody on the roads right now. Oh, it’s because I’m the only asshole grinding it out today. Everyone else is either 1) still sleeping, 2) having decent morning sex with their significant other, or some rando they picked up at Buffalo Wild Wings last night, or 3) up blaring “Trap Queen” while they prepare free range eggs and grass-fed bacon. Fuck.

Empty Parking Lot

I turned into the parking lot, no blinker because I’m bout that life, and I’ll be dammed: There were seven cars in the lot. The guy who rolls an off-road Jeep with a lift because he’s still 17 at heart? Not there. He’s probably driving through a muddy field blaring “Sweet Child of Mine.” That girl from next door with a COEXIST bumper sticker on her car for some reason? Nowhere to be found. She’s probably hiking. You get the idea. There has to be at least 30 businesses in our complex, and there’s a total of seven cars in the lot. Party on.

FOMO So Hard

I’m young, and I’m a professional, but I’m not necessarily a “young professional.” That’s not to say that I’m a young unprofessional, but sometimes I’m guilty of it. With that being said, I at least have the decency to keep my phone on silent while sitting at my desk. Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop me from being heavily distracted by a group text that’s comprised of a who’s who of America’s top time wasters.

Looks like I’m the only one who had to go in today. Oh, my phone just lit up again. Wonder what fantastic activity I’m missing out on now? Oh, it’s only golf, the only activity other than blacking out that I look forward to. One of the guys just sent a pic of a guy in his foursome shotgunning a beer on the third hole. Classic. It’s not even noon and these guys are just raging in 70 degree weather. Life is hard. Oh look, another message. It’s an invite to brunch at my favorite overpriced bar/restaurant. Maybe I can swing it on my lunch break. Oh, that’s not for another two hours, and they’re going now. I’ll pass, as they’re likely to be about four bloody marys deep by the time I arrive, and it’s not like I have the balls to have a beer on my lunch break. Maybe I’ll meet up with them after work if they’re still partying (they won’t be).


Sure am hungry. My supervisor’s out of the office today because of course, so maybe my top-tier work buds will want to venture out and try a new place on the other side of town. Oh, Blake isn’t in the office today? He drove back to Oklahoma City last night. That’s fine, he’s probably just enjoying some quality time with his family and dominating his old watering holes. Maybe Mike is in. Wait, Mike is hitting the road at noon so he can make it back to Houston in time to grab dinner and drinks with some of his old college friends.

No big deal. I bet the line at Chipotle will be non-existent. Can’t wait.

Keep your head up, young workers of America. You are not alone. It gets better. In fact, I bet that at some point today, one of the “cool” older coworkers will stroll into your office to talk sports, entertainment, or life in general. Maybe your boss will even call in from his vacation to shut down the office 45 minutes earlier than normal. Days like today are perfect for forging strong bonds with those you’ve neglected for so long, so make the best of it.

Image via Shutterstock

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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