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God damn it, I’m so hungry.
In fact, I’m starving. I want to take the train to Merchandise Mart and go to the cafeteria and get some grub. But that’ll take 45 minutes — at least. Amy needs this report finished by 3 p.m. this afternoon so she can do edits. It’s going to take me at least an hour and a half to complete my section of the report. The client never even reads my section.
Well, Amy. Maybe you could have asked Jaxon to do it. Jaxon is a real piece of shit, so I know why you come to me with all of your pet projects, but Jaxon isn’t doing anything right now. He’s eating a yogurt. Who the hell eats yogurt as a guy? I am so fucking hungry.
Why did we schedule a team meeting today? Everyone is so god damn busy and team meetings are nothing more than status reports. They take forever — and everyone feels obligated to speak. Why are you trying to prove to me that you do work here? We all know you do work here.
Guess what my status is: I’m busy. And hungry. Starving, in fact.
You know who never has anything to say in team meetings? Jaxon. Because Jaxon has the workplace intelligence of a goose flying around La Guardia (reference!). He is so dumb that nobody bothers buzzing him and asking him to complete any last second projects. But the process of canning him would be too difficult — and he gets just enough done to justify his job title. Fuck. Jaxon has it figured out. Give me a bite of your yogurt you little bitch.
I guess I am not going to eat today. I brought $11 for lunch. One five dollar bill and six singles. I was going to maybe go to McDonald’s. I wasn’t going to admit that to my office coworkers, though. I’d probably just tell them I am going to Whole Foods or some shit. Jaxon always knows when I go to McDonald’s — he can smell it on me. That little shit.
If I don’t eat lunch, I guess I can do an early dinner. But then I am going to get hungry around nine. I don’t like getting hungry around nine. That’s the worst time of hungry.
Lauren reheated Indian food and is eating it at her desk. That’s actually killing my appetite, which is helpful. Thanks, Lauren — you extremely miserable dumbass — this is one of the biggest favors you have ever done for me.
I guess I won’t eat lunch today. Maybe I’ll go to Walgreens and pick up a snack. Hell, I don’t know.
I’m starving. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
If you’re hungry you should grab lunch with Duda…errrr nevermind.
too soon bro.. too soon.
But he probably has time though
Someone should check on him.
This is how I imagine Duda right now.
via GIPHY
I tweeted @ him and he didn’t answer back – I’m worried.
…Or maybe my measly 450 followers are an indicator that I shouldn’t warrant a response on my mediocre joke about summering in CT.
Yeah, what kind of man lacks self respect to the point that he’ll eat yogurt at work?
*quietly puts away yogurt*
What about breakfast? Is yogurt allowed before, say, 10:00 am?
I laughed, because my boss eats yogurt for lunch every single day.
I eat a probiotic yogurt almost every day with lunch. Wanna fight about it?
Plain Greek yogurt, flax seed, honey, and granola every day with lunch. Protein, fiber, and flavor. Suck it, haters.
I’d fight you, but I’m too bloated from not eating probiotic yogurt.
No, not really. I think CashBack might want to though.
You’re approaching peak hangry. Maybe I should write those postgrad cookbook articles I planned, bringing your own lunch saves lives man.
Please do
…the fuck is this?
This is the kind of content that i expect out of this site. True PGPs
“I don’t have time to eat lunch, but I have time to write this shitty content.”
That’s the motto.
On Yom Kippur no less. To my fellow Jews, hope you’re having an easy fast
What I thought this article was originally about haha best of luck
This is too real for me. I understand the struggle
Jesus Christ the content has gone to complete shit…
No words for you if you don’t find this funny.
“One news piece isn’t indicative of any sort of larger strategy” -Will deFries
Yeah maybe, but multiple news pieces certainly are
I ate lunch already, and this made me hungry again.