I’m Addicted To Reading Coffee Maker Reviews On Amazon

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I’m in the market for a new coffee maker. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my french press. It’s a fine piece of machinery – a simple, elegant way to make a few cups of high quality joe on Saturday or Sunday morning.

The problem with the french press is that it’s a little bit of a process. It’s an enjoyable process, but it’s kind of a thing to have to make it every single day, ya know? During the weekday I just don’t have the time or energy to be making french press every morning, and when I moved out on my three roommates a few months ago, I also left behind a very old but very useable coffee maker. It cost me five dollars at a garage sale during college.

A no frills pot that required actual paper coffee filters (more on that later) and didn’t have any sort of timer on it. I loved that thing. It can brew four cups or twelve cups and quality is never in question. And yes, I could go back over to their place and get it from them but it just feels like now is the time for me to move on to greener pastures.

And while I knew that selecting a new coffee maker would probably require some research, I also didn’t think I’d be getting sucked into the rabbit hole that is Amazon customer reviews night in and night out. I’m foregoing premium programming on HBO and Netflix to read reviews about coffee pots. I’m at my kitchen counter eating my meals hunched over my computer and completely missing bites of food because I’m too focused on these reviews. I love reading these things. They’re petty, mean, and totally unhelpful in my quest to find a coffee pot. One minute I’m all the way in on a Hamilton Beach coffee pot, the next minute I’m reading a one star review from someone and rethinking everything. Here’s a look at some of the models I’ve been considering in the past few days.

Nice coffee pot, right? There’s just enough stainless steel on this model to make me think it’s high quality, and at 35 dollars it’s a steal. But my opinions on this pot instantly changed after reading a review from Erin Mooney.

I know we’re talking about a coffee pot here, but reviews like this really give me pause. This is a piece of equipment that I’m going to be using 5 days out of the week and I need certain assurances, one of which is that the pot DOESN’T leak every time I go to pour from pot to YETI tumbler. And I hate to sound snooty, but Hamilton Beach, as a brand, just isn’t all that great. I had HB appliances when I was living in squalor as a college student, for God’s sake.

I moved on from the Hamilton Beach to the Kenmore 40706. Certainly flashier, and a little more streamlined than the HB, I truly thought I had finally found my match. I liked this thing a lot, especially at 50 bucks, until once again I started perusing user reviews.

Honestly it sounds like Beth just needs to get sent another coffee maker sent to her from Kenmore. Probably a faulty mechanism or something gone awry on the production line. At this point in reading user reviews, I’m still convinced that I’m going to buy this one.

Myra is pushing all the right buttons right now. I’d love to take her out for a beer sometime and just let her air out her grievances to me. She’s just given me confirmation bias regarding the Hamilton Beach model, and that plastic smell? I don’t know if I can live with that, Myra. Also, she says that the coffee is “OK.” I don’t want to be drinking “OK” coffee inside the comfort of my own home. I’m almost all the way out on the Kenmore at this point. Let’s keep going.

Goddamnit. This is the straw that broke my back. “A spiffed up Mr. Coffee” is all I needed to read. Comparing something to a Mr. Coffee is a death knell. I’m done with the Kenmore.

Holy shit. Are you guys rock hard right now? This thing is a spaceship. I bet Elon Musk has one of these. I’ll be honest with you – when I was looking at this thing, I couldn’t even imagine having it in my kitchen because I’d have no idea how to use all of the bells and whistles. And 80 dollars for a coffee maker seems like a bit much, no? Let’s go to the reviews.

This motherfucker M.P. Holmes just went off. A 10,000 word expose on the Braun KF6050 WH. I read this whole thing top to bottom and I came away from this wondering more about what is going on in M.P.’s life and less about whether or not I should buy this Braun spaceship.

This was an incredible review, and I even marked it as “this review was helpful.” But goddamn, M.P. You did not have to go this hard. He must have been an engineer in his past life because when he started talking about wattage on his older coffee machine I gasped aloud. This is a takedown piece, and it was one that convinced to continue looking.

I looked at countless other coffee machines, and I’ve come to a conclusion: All coffee makers have warts. For whatever reason we just haven’t perfected the in-home coffee maker, and that’s just something I’m going to have to live with. I also need to re-evaluate how I read reviews. Right now, I’m swayed by the first negative review that I read. I convince myself that the product is garbage after one really bad one star review despite the fact that this bad review is surrounded by people who rated it four or five stars.

Whenever I’m in people’s homes over the age of like, 35, they all have a different version of this Cuisinart model.

Maybe I should just pull trig on this bad boy and call it a fuckin’ day. These Amazon reviews are driving me to the brink of insanity, but at the same time keeping me very much entertained. I never want this ride to end..

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Johnny D

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