I’m 28 Years Old And Don’t Know Shit About The Stock Market

I'm 28 Years Old And Don't Know Shit About The Stock Market

Last night I was just getting my chill on when I hopped on Reddit and saw that Asian markets were just absolutely plummeting. “Huh, crazy,” I thought before going back to watching The Unauthorized Full House Story on Lifetime before lethargically falling asleep while listening to rain sounds on Spotify.

Sure enough, I wake up this morning, scratch myself, shave (which is my personal Everest on a Monday morning), and head into work only to see Twitter blowing up with people complaining about how far the Dow Jones has plummeted. I mean, people are really freaking out right now, man. Hell, they’re even calling it Black Monday which I have to assume is a bad thing even though I feel like I was always told “being in the black” meant that you were banking hard.

Call me ignorant, but like, I have zero clue what’s going on out here. It’s like the Wild West and I’m sitting here at my desk hoping one of my coworkers has a Postmates code that I can piggy back on so I don’t have to bankrupt myself because I’m too lazy to drive five minutes for pick up. I’m the guy that buys The Wall Street Journal and The Economist in airports purely so hot girls at my terminal think I’m baller as hell even though I skip straight to the Life sections that discuss drink recipes, insider guides to traveling Europe, and new iOS features.

The closest I’ve gotten to taking a finance class was when I read a Jim Cramer back in 2011 where I maybe kind of knew what some of the things he was talking about meant. My best friend loaned it to me in hopes it would stoke my fire to learn more about the markets, but instead I spent most of my time Googling what things meant instead of picking up on the actual themes of the book. Unfortunately, to me, it still sounds like Dow Jones is a panelist on The View and Bernie Madoff was my childhood neighbor that paid me to let his dogs out when he’d be out of town for an extended period of time.

Sure, I can drop certain financial phrases but I can assure you I learned 100% of them from Mark Cuban, Robert Herjavec, and Mr. Wonderful during all the episodes of Shark Tank I watched mid-hangover. I figure that if I know what they’re talking about, I have to be smart enough to be loaded as hell too. After all, those guys are making an absolute killing out there and I can pretty much always tell when they’re going to pass or invest on something.

Just last week I almost dozed off during a 401K presentation and ended up having to forward all my paperwork to my buddy at Michigan Law in hopes he’d just steer me in the right direction. Next thing I know, I’m contributing 3% of every paycheck to some retirement fund that I can’t even recall the name of. And then I tried to adjust my contribution and I couldn’t even remember my password so I muttered to myself and promised I’d handle it the next week (which I didn’t). Now all I can do is hope that this multi-billion dollar global dip in the market doesn’t fuck up my early retirement that I’m still blindly assuming will happen.

Am I jealous of the Patrick Batemans and Jordan Belforts of the world? Of course, I am. I want to be pounding my chest with McConaughey and doing uppers off girls’ boobs too, but numbers just escape me. I’ll never get to drunk-drive a Lambo or drive my yacht through a tropical storm without a care in the world. I’m just going to be the dude who loses all his money when one of those guys Madoffs me, and I’m filing for bankruptcy with my thumb up my ass wondering what just happened.

All the finance apps I have on my phone are for show. I want someone to catch a glimpse of my screen when they’re next to me on a plane and think, “Damn, that dude must make hella investments,” when in reality, I’m just waiting for them to look away so I can check some Snapchat stories. It’s all about putting out the vibe and faking it ’til I make it, right?

Until I’m actually faced with some financials that need immediate attention, I’m just going to get by with a little help from my friends and hope they’ll lead me to an island in the sun. Ignorance is bliss, and I’m too lazy to learn anything about trading at this point in my life. And that you can bank on.

Image via YouTube

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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