======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I love movies because I am lazy. A lot of people would list hiking or mountain biking as their hobby, but both hiking and mountain biking require a lot of effort, and I’m not really about any effort. I enjoy movies because they require nothing of me. I sit on my couch, press play, and am entertained for the next 2-3 hours. I’m doubly entertained if I watch the first movie while drinking, because then I get to watch it again the next morning and it’s like a brand new movie! Ahhh, alcohol.
While I love the classics, and by classics I mean movies from the ’90s, sometimes I watch my favorites and think about how different they would be if they were set in 2013. I feel like everyone living in this current moment is very much a drugged up, selfish asshole, so it’s interesting to think about how that mentality would be conveyed in some of my favorite (aka the best) feature films.
Titanic
“Is it too early for me and Jack to go FB offish? Why the hell is no one responding to my tweets? Hey, are you getting any service? This is some real bullshit. That water looks pretty freaking cold. Good thing I’ve got my NorthFace. I’m sorry, excuse me? What do you mean women and children first? What the hell? They can vote, can’t they? Equal rights, equal lifeboats, ladies.”
The Notebook
“Allie, you gotta stop. I wrote you 365 Facebook messages. I wrote you every day for a year. But that was a long time ago; you have to get over it. You can’t keep drunk texting me like this. It’s getting really inappropriate. Don’t make me get a restraining order. Besides, you already put up your engagement photos on your blog. What would your friends think?”
Forrest Gump
“What do you mean, I’ve got a kid? Jenny? Hello, Jenny? This is some real bullshit. Do I need to get tested? Are you being serious right now?”
Brokeback Mountain
“He’s gay. Can you believe it? My husband is gay. I don’t know…I kind of always had a suspicion. It’s cool though. I think I could write a bestseller about it. Do you think I could get Reese Witherspoon to play me? I feel like we could be friends.”
Clueless
“Josh got arrested last night. Like, apparently there’s some law against sleeping with teenagers. As if. Like, I’m an adult. I got my driver’s license yesterday, didn’t I? Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
Fight Club
“I swear to God, I will not tell you again. Take your meds. This is why we pay $300 an hour for therapy. You are so screwed up in the head. I’m fairly positive you’re some sort of alien. Take. Your. Fucking. Meds.”
When Harry Met Sally
“Rather than waste fifteen years of us not being together, do you want to just get drunk and have sex and see how that works out for us? I’ve already seen your O-face. I like it. Let’s bang.”
Dazed and Confused
“Let’s move to Colorado.”
The Royal Tenenbaums
“That family is so strange. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to call the Homeowner’s Association on them. This is just getting ridiculous.”
The Sixth Sense
“Who is that little boy talking to? Ha! He thinks he can talk to ghosts? Ridiculous. Let’s put him on Xanax, Valium, Klonopin, Lunesta, and Adderall like all the other kids.”
American Beauty
“Stop ogling the high school cheerleaders. I swear to God, you son of a bitch, I will divorce you and leave you penniless. You have a problem. Actually, I’m just going to go ahead and call the police and get rid of you. Divorce lawyers are expensive.”
The Departed
“Hey, uhhh, can you come into my office? I got some troubling news from the NSA. We know you’re the rat.”
Children of Men
“You know, we really should’ve listened when they told us that we shouldn’t put our cell phones in our laps. Now we’re all barren. Awesome. Actually, screw it. I’ll just get a puppy.”
Dirty Dancing
“Maybe we should just take Penny to the doctor. I feel like that would be so much easier. Right? Let’s just do that. Also, it’s totally cool if I sleep over tonight. My dad reads my blog, so, like, nothing I do ever shocks him anymore.”
Respond
Catie Warren
Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co
@catie__warren
@catie__warren
I created an account to tell you that The Departed is set in the present.
This was just pathetically awful, please stop.
Well, the first two were clever.
You realize Children of Men is about the FUTURE right?
My bad. In my rage at how awful this was, and because it was the sole outlier, I didn’t realize you hadn’t specified “past.”
You win some, you lose some. You’ll get ’em next time, champ.