I Wash My Hands Before I Eat, But I’m The Weirdo?

I Wash My Hands Before I Eat, But I'm The Weirdo?

If you ask my friends or coworkers, I’m a borderline psychopath when it comes to germs. Maybe just a full-blown weirdo depending on which one you ask. To many, it’s weird that I refuse to eat a meal, especially one that requires handling, before washing my hands. If we’re at the sandwich shop down the street, you can bet that I’m making a bathroom trip before I even consider picking up that Reuben. Fuck that. The world is a dirty place, and I’m pretty sure I’m the normal one here.

“When did this become a thing?” That’s the question that I’m most often asked, because yes, I still get questioned by those who’ve known me for nearly my entire life. Truthfully, I don’t know. If I had to guess, I’d say that during my first semester of law school, I became obsessed with not missing class. Your first semester is widely known as the most difficult, so missing class was not ideal. Sure, you could always just borrow someone’s notes, but deciphering the nuances of a lecture on Civil Procedure from the notes your buddy took while Facebook chatting is a great way to completely botch a concept. So yeah, fuck getting sick.

Have you ever had a stomach bug? Like the 24-hour kind that leaves you sitting on the crapper and leaning over the bathtub spraying chunks of God knows what at the same damn time? Yeah, full body explosions are not fun. You’ll pull muscles in your lower torso that you had no idea even existed. This happened to me back in my twenties, and I’m sure it contributed to my #fuckgerms mentality. But again, I’m the weirdo.

Now, I’m clearly not a doctor, but I think that a brief rundown of the science will back me up. I know that you’re fighting a losing battle if you believe you can prevent all germs from entering your fragile little body, but I believe in preemptive strikes. I’m a fighter. If I can go on the offensive and rid my hands of germs before they enter my mouth, I’m doing it. Is that odd? Some think so, but only God can judge me.

Speaking of judgment, my devotion to cleanliness has turned me into somewhat of a snob. I can’t help it. I’ve seen coworkers charge out of the men’s room after doing their business (1 & 2) without even attempting to fake a hand-wash on numerous occasions. I won’t put them on blast, but I did take mental note of it. Who does that? That’s a next level IDGAF attitude right there, and it’s just plain nasty. There’s a reason I call you Edward Poo Hands behind your back, unnamed coworker.

Let’s just set the record straight here: Unless you’re late for something extremely important (i.e. business), you can take the 20 seconds or so it takes to wash your dirty parts’ germs off of your hands, dog. This morning I was washing my hands like a normal human being would do, and some dude on the first floor aggressively came out of the handicap stall and just charged out the door. The fuck? You know I saw you, right? Maybe he was embarrassed by what he had just done in that stall, but that’s still not a valid excuse. Most people have the courtesy to do the half-ass rinse so they don’t completely look like a piece of shit. Not this guy, though. Savage.

It’s tough. Carrying around a little bottle of hand sanitizer takes commitment. And there are times when I’m meeting someone for a #BusinessLunch when running to the men’s room for 3 minutes would just kill the vibe. But it’s the life I’ve chosen to lead, and there’s no turning back now.

So can we make routine hand washing a thing again? I’m sure I’ll continue to be ostracized by my lunch squad because that’s such a radical way of living life, but I think we’d all benefit. At a minimum, stop judging renegades like myself who want to enjoy a meal with a little peace of mind.

Image via Shutterstock

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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