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This column is in response “I Don’t Want To Be A Housewife” published on November 18.
American women have options in today’s world. We can go to school, stay at home, become strippers, bloggers, lawyers, or doctors, and there’s a high likelihood we won’t encounter all that much resistance. Women before our generation fought to be heard and receive equal pay. I’m not saying that sexism is a thing of the past, or that feminism is some movement we can close the book on and our daughters will read about it like we read about suffragettes. I’m just pointing out that we have come a LONG way.
I’m grateful for those women. I’m grateful for their sacrifice, and for their endless endurance through everything they went through, both modern women, the women I read about growing up, and every woman in between.
I went to college and received my bachelor’s degree in four years. I work at a very fulfilling, decently paid job. I’ve experienced the satisfaction of a raise, and I sit in my own office when I hang my diploma proudly. I feel fulfilled at my job, and a lot of people in my generation can’t say that. I appreciate the job I have.
The column I’m responding to was filled with a lot of assumptions. While the author was obviously speaking for herself, and not women of our generation in general, the article really stuck out to me, and probed the nagging feeling I’ve had in my head since graduation: guilt.
As I sit here, writing this column with my diploma hanging on the wall in my office with a window, having just finished a large project for my company that received praise, I feel lucky. I’m lucky to be here, and I know that. I know.
I firmly believe that feminism is about equality, and by that I mean equal opportunities. I firmly believe that any woman can do any job that a man can do, and I support women who are offended by any person or institution that wants to tell them they can’t do something just because they’re a woman.
But I still dream of the day where I pack up my office, take down my diploma, and head home (for good) to raise my children. My daydreams don’t consist of a promotion, raise, or award. I want to be a housewife. My daydream is watching my child’s school play, or game, or whatever it is they want to be involved with, getting in my SUV, and driving to a suburban home in a nice neighborhood with good schools.
Does that mean I’m throwing everything away? All of my education? My parents’ hard work? MY hard work? Am I not self sufficient? If I don’t work, will I be letting my degree gather dust because I feel it is what society expects? After reading the recent article, I’ve finally come to terms with my feelings of guilt. I’m doing what everyone has said I should do from the beginning: following my dreams, as cliché as it may sound.
1. I’m Educated
I do not want to be some Betty Draper-esque housewife, trapped in a situation I’d rather not be in, because I don’t feel I have an escape. I will be able to help my kids with all of their homework, all the way through school (okay, I might have to review some of it…I haven’t studied the periodic table since junior year of high school). I can set an example. I pursued my education, believed in myself, but my dreams took me right there, to my kitchen table, helping my child with their homework. And if I don’t have the luxury of having a spouse that makes enough money for me to do that, that’s okay too. I can work, I’m educated.
I won’t be vacuuming and dusting to the sound of Kathie Lee and Hoda. I’m going to be raising money for my child’s school, or organizing a drive for underprivileged children’s school supplies, or helping underpaid and overworked teachers by making costumes for the school play. I can handle it, along with all the responsibilities of dusting and vacuuming, because I’m educated, and I’m confident I can do it.
2. I Enjoy Working
I enjoy my job. They pay me pretty well, and I feel appreciated. I don’t, however, feel any drive to continue this. What would make me happy is working hard to promote literacy or community involvement or whatever it is that drives me at that point in time. Maybe I will take on organizing my son’s baseball tournament. Remember all of those things non-working parents did when we were growing up? Those things will still need to be done, and there will be fewer parents with the free time to do it.
3. I’m Independent
If I pursue my dreams, I will be financially dependent on my future husband. There are very few ways to be a stay-at-home mom without a go-to-work dad. Do I need to have a go-to-work husband to survive? Absolutely not. I’m educated, I enjoy working, and if I drop into my husband’s office some day to find him nailing the intern on his desk, I don’t need him. Will it be a struggle? Sure. But will I have taught my children a valuable lesson, to not settle and work hard for what you want (a divorce)? You’re damn right I will have. I’m not afraid to depend on someone else, because I don’t have to.
4. I’m Not Ready For Children
Someday, I want children. Someday, I don’t want to work. I’m not ready, right now, to stop drinking wine on Sunday afternoons. I’m waiting until my living situation, or financial situation, or whatever stands in the way to be resolved until I’m ready for children. Very few people dream of leaving for college at 14 years old, and I don’t dream of having children for a while. There’s a right time for everything. I’m not ready for them now, but I know what I want when the time comes.
5. It Would Make Me Happy
It’s what I want. If I’m lucky enough to have the financial, emotional, and relationship stability for it, I want to be a housewife.
Women fought for equal opportunity. I’m grateful. If I choose to be a housewife, I don’t think I should feel guilty about that. It won’t be because I’m not educated, because I’m afraid of pursuing a career, because I feel some kind of pressure by society to stay at home, or because I’m not independent. It will be because that’s what I want, and because I am educated, hard-working and independent, I’ll make a damn good one.
Respond
if being a “house-husband” was a thing, i’d be all about that life.
Betty Draper’s escape was being hotter than a two dollar pistol.
I would venture to ask, what would you say if your husband wants you to work while he stays at home?
After all – can you build a deck?
The asparations to be a stay-at-home mother infuriate men of this generation. Living in the south makes it even harder as this is more or less a cultural norm.
I want a co-pilot, not a dependant. Hopefully you will be afforded the luxury to sit at home and care for the kids one day, but are you the type of person who is fully comfortable being completely dependant on someone else?
This entire post for some reason is very reminicant of Ms. Clarkson’s “Miss Independant” song to me.
Que the new age woman, who work, provide, and are still a capable parent.
Much the same way men have had to be for generations.
“The asparations to be a stay-at-home mother infuriate men of this generation.”
Where is this coming from? Most guys I know, who want more than one kid, are all about marrying a woman who has no qualms being a full time mother.
I want to take the time to respond carefully to all of these things you brought up, because my ADHD medication hasn’t worn off for the day and I feel as if you’ve taken things as I’ve said, “I am entitled to stay at home.” That is not what I said. I said that is what I want.
First, what would I say if my husband wants me to work while he stays at home? I don’t think I’d marry someone who did. Not because someone isn’t entitled to feel that way, but because I think that’s something a couple would discuss before they got married. If I want to stay at home (given that we are lucky enough to live comfortably on a single income) that shouldn’t be a surprise to my future husband. If I need to work, I can and would without hesitation. If we communicated properly (as I think a healthy relationship should regardless of your opinions on my article) this wouldn’t be an issue.
After all, can I build a deck? Absolutely not. I don’t know anything about building decks. I’m confident that given the proper time and help I could learn to build a deck, but that’s not something I ever want to do. I think you were trying to point out that any work involving the house that has been thought of as being a particular gender’s work is of equal value, and you’re absolutely right. I’m not entirely sure why my inability to build a deck matters, because if we decided that someone needed to build a deck and we decided that the person staying at home should build the deck because they had more free time, I’d do it.
The aspirations to be a stay-at-home mother do not infuriate all men of this generation. It infuriates some, but they shouldn’t be with those women. They should with the women that write articles like the previous article. I’ll agree that living in the south makes it even harder to find those women, but if the shoe were on the other foot I’d be hard pressed to find a husband that was ok with me staying at home if I lived somewhere else. It’s hard to live in an area where the cultural norm is different from your beliefs, regardless of what those are.
You want a co-pilot? Great. Everyone should have a co-pilot, not a dependent. Emotionally, physically, financially, whatever. If my future and husband and I communicate about what we want and expect, then we have each have a co-pilot based on what we want.
I stated in the article that I could stay at home IF we were lucky enough to be financially stable doing so, but nothing in the article implied that I wanted to “sit at home”. I mentioned a multitude of volunteer work or school involvement I could be doing. Am I the type of person who is fully comfortable being dependent on someone else? Financially, yes. Because I don’t have to feel stuck if I wanted to leave. I addressed that as well.
“Miss Independent” is about being emotionally guarded so the girl in the song doesn’t get hurt in a romantic relationship. Then she falls in love and realizes she can be emotionally vulnerable and it’s okay to “let someone in”. You should listen to that song again.
I never said that women who work can’t be a capable parent. I think almost anyone can agree they know great moms who worked and terrible moms that stayed at home. Being a good mom depends on the individual. Same with being a good father.
TL;DR: Communication is key, and you should be in a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding.
That was way longer than I thought. I need to lower the meds, yikes.
Hopefully pgp paid you for this one too…
Raising children isn’t easy and there’s no substitute for parental presence. I’m not going to say I’d expect it, but I would want my SO to take a very large role (i.e., have a part-time job) during the first 5ish years. It’s a huge commitment to have a child, and I don’t think offloading the responsibility of raising your spawn onto some outside entity does anyone any favors. You can’t ever get that time back, and I wouldn’t ever want them to regret not having that option. I know I’ll be useless (by comparison) during that time as the whole nurturing thing really isn’t my forte, so I wouldn’t mind taking on more financial responsibility.
Hence, I pretty much agree with Pencil Skirt’s mindset, minus all the PTA stuff, as I think working for a non-profit (and getting paid something) would provide better financial security and thus peace of mind (to me).
I want to sit on my ass watching Netflix while the wife drops the kid off at daycare on the way to her ridiculously well-paying job. Should I write a column too? Odd how women’s ideals of independence have to do, one way or another, with men. I’m sure the feminist movement is rolling around, bra-less and with full-on pit hair, in its grave. Well done on the tit-for-other-tit ladies.
Thank you for this. There shouldn’t be something wrong with looking forward to being a hardworking housewife and mother.
I feel like the person who wrote the original article will eventually come around to this way of thinking. Y’all are both kind of saying the same thing just at different points in your life. But either way, there is really nothing wrong with not wanting or wanting to be a housewife. It’s our choice, own it no matter what people say.
@SamSamRages that is a thing. There are plenty of stay at home dads if his partner has a better job.
partner? Is it the gays exclusively of whom you are referring good si
I would totally be a stay at home dad, it would be awesome, if I had the opportunity. But, I wouldn’t be so insecure that I would have to justify it to myself. Do what you want and don’t care what other people think.
Are you taking applications for this go-to-work dad you speak of? I can’t promise anything about the intern though, other than I won’t get caught.
Well done. I’d put a ring on it.