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It’s been well over a decade since I felt the cold steel in my hand, but lately, I’ve been getting the itch. I don’t know if it’s just part of my never-ending quest to get my edge back, but I’m on the market for a new hobby. I’m talking about a real hobby, one that will not only leave me poor, bruised, sore, sweaty but will also redline my adrenaline and boost my T to completely unnecessary levels. I need back into the paintball game. Will they take me?
My cred is real. I came into the game packing a Spyder Compact with an aggressively long custom barrel that let me fade dudes from a block away. I was a noob, but I was respected. On any given weekend, you could find me completely decked out in my old man’s Air Force field jacket lugging a box of absurdly overpriced paintballs that he paid for. My crew was made up of fellow suburban dwelling teens looking to blow off some teenage angst by lighting dudes up in a field. Some were castaways from other paintball squads, others just hired guns with no true allegiance, and some were just fellow adrenaline junkies we picked up during our rollerblade phase.
We were good. Maybe a little too good.
I can still hear the screams from the church groups and birthday parties that were unfortunate enough to step into the woods with us. We feasted on dorks that were just looking for a fun little Saturday by renting guns and equipment. Never stood a chance. We had dudes in full ghillie suits crawling around like goddam Tom Berenger in Sniper. Billy Zane’s best movie, by the way.
And now I’m here. My weekend is completely vacant other than a trip to Pottery Barn that I’ve somehow managed to put off since tying the knot. Maybe I can sneak a late-afternoon round of golf in Saturday, but the weather here is fantastic and every goober with a 30 handicap will be out there hacking away. Plus, I need something that will get blood flowing a little bit. So I ask you:
Who’s trying to play some paintball?
I bet I’ve still got it, and even if I’ve slipped a little bit, I’m willing to fully commit to the game again. I’m one of those guys that will dive tits deep into a hobby and not show his face again for weeks. Sure, I’ll bail after I realize that I’m not that great at it, but at least I try. I refuse to apologize for that, because I firmly believe in going hard or going home. Right now, I’m trying to go hard.
Does anybody paintball anymore? I’ve got a wallet full of tax return money that I’m itching to blow on a JT mask with a mirror lens and a Spyder. Holler at your boy. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
@dcarterruff
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david@grandex.co
Can’t you just slap some goggles on an intern and tell them it’s open season?
Pro tip: freeze the paintballs
Doesn’t work….well it doesn’t work every time and not like you’d think. The shell usually is too brittle and just breaks in your marker. However if it doesn’t break, the temperature changes will screw the accuracy, diameter, and overall consistency of each round. It’s rare that shooting a frozen paintball actually works like people think.
Now this varies from person to person, but I’ve tested the “frozen paintball” myth, and the few rounds that actually made it out the barrel didn’t hurt any more or less.
Great way to break ribs and get banned from the field.
Great way for the interns to build some character.
You don’t hunt a man, next thing you know he snaps like a twig and burns down a whole village in Nam’
Wanna go hunt Cricket?
Mankind: the most dangerous game.
Tippman 98 with response trigger and a spyder with electronic trigger were my rigs.
Things that will be around after WW3: roaches, tippman 98, Nokia phones.
Tippman 98: the honda civic of paintball markers. Cheap, durable, modifiable. But even after you’re done with it, it’s still just a civic.
As a washed up NCPA standout I’d love nothing more than to relive the glory days while traumatizing groups of 12 year olds with you, Dave. Or is that Dorn’s department?
Underrated comment
I had this exact conversation in my group chat last week. The itch is real.
Its becoming an older mans game because everything is so expensive. With sponsors the new guns were $700+. I played D4 in a huge league and it’s worth it but on a grad school budget it got rough.
Spyder imagine with an auto feed hopper was my weapon of mass destruction.
Did this for a bachelor party. Pretty badass time. Made the groom line up for a firing squad type scenario.
Pretty soon that’s gonna be you Todd
Please don’t purchase a Spyder. Their QC has gone way down hill. Go with a Mini Invert a HALO hopper and try to snag a 45/45 tank for a decent price and make sure to check the hydro date on any tank you buy to make sure it aint past its test date. Mini, Halo, and a used HP tank is a good inexpensive(for paintball) setup that will get ya ballin on noobs and grade school kids.
I had an autococker for a bit. When it worked it was great, but it was always fucking up.
Your profile pic makes you look like the butler from the Adams Family
No, he actually looks exactly like Putin.
Probably because that’s what I look like.
yeah Autocockers are equally cool as they are moody. Though with them their QC has also gone down the drain. Find an old Cocker and turn it into a pump and school some kids, plus you can double pump em and tag people with two rounds in chamber sub 10 yards…..ah the memories.