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Work can be stressful. I don’t care if you have the best job in the world, or if your workplace is a dumpster fire of terrible people – there’s ALWAYS more room to make your work environment as stress-free as possible. Some people use headphones to tune out the hustle and bustle of the office, others take regular walks to make sure they’re staying at a level temperament. But me? No, no, no. Those basic routines are not cutting it for me anymore. Between the amount of 8 a.m. chip eating (which, by the way, WHO snacks on potato chips that early?!) and the person who doesn’t wash their hands after going to the bathroom, I’m officially desensitized to the standard forms of relaxation. It’s time to get creative. And where do single white women congregate for sparks of creativity?
PINTEREST.
Pinterest is one of my favorite sites to organize diets I absolutely won’t commit to, decorate a beach front home that I can’t afford, and plan my imaginary wedding. It truly is a special place on the internet. After a quick Pinterest deep-dive of some tips and tricks to keep my cool at work, I came across people using the ancient Chinese art of Feng Shui to help amplify their mood, and furthermore, business success.
I’m sure this is incredibly naive of me, but nine times out of ten I’ll always opt in to trying things that claim to “better my energy” or “align my chakras” (which I’m still not 100 ppercent sure what a chakra is but I like the word). Yoga? Check. Meditation? Check. A burning sage wand to get evil spirits out of my apartment? Check. You know. Incredibly normal stuff. Full disclosure: I have absolutely no knowledge of Feng Shui, but why not try it? After all, if this practice is thousands of years old and there are plenty of people who think their surroundings directly correlate with a flow of energy (or “Chi” as it’s commonly called). I’ll bite. Since I can’t Feng Shui my entire office (although, admittedly, that’d be amazing), I’ll just focus my Feng Shui-ing to where I spend 99 percent of my workday: my desk.
I began my research with Feng Shui desk colors. I didn’t get to choose my own desk, so I knew this would lead to quite a standstill early on, but I was still curious to what it all meant. My desk currently is just solid white with white drawers on the right-hand side.
White: A white desk activates the mind, but drains the body of energy.
Okay, not the best start… But at least I officially have an excuse as to why I never want to go to the gym after work. I wonder how often my trainer hears the excuse that someone’s white desk just really sucked the life out of them today.
Not only color, but the materials a desk is made of also affects energy. Honestly, I have no clue what mine is made out of. I think it’s from Ikea? I’m pretty sure it’s some form of laminate, which supposedly doesn’t attract positive or negative energy. AKA, it’s the Feng Shui’s way of saying “you’re incredibly boring, go home.”
After that, it looks like it’s common to divide your desk in to 9 different segments like an imaginary tic-tac-toe board. The sections of the desk are wealth, fame, love, family, health, creativity, knowledge, career, and helpful people (all things I really want and need, so this better work).
Let’s start from the back left and work across. The back left portion of the desk is supposed to represent “wealth” or “prosperity.” Apparently if you put a plant there it’ll encourage growth in that area. Money comes from trees. Trees are plants. Plants also grow. Want money to grow? Put a plant there. So maybe Feng Shui isn’t as complicated as I’m making it out to be. I don’t have a living plant accessible, but I have some faux lilies that I think I bought at the neighborhood craft store. Does a fake plant count? Or does that mean all of my financial success is totally artificial and fabricated? Since the plant is plastic will this represent future credit card debt? Oh, well. On to the next.
The middle left portion of the desk is supposed to have a “family” energy, so a cherished family item or photo would be appropriate to have there. Most of the pictures I have of my actual family are at my house, but I have a picture of my dog! Anyone who doesn’t think that pets count as family are actual sociopaths, so his picture will sit (good boy) right there.
We’re almost complete with one full side of my desk totally Feng Shui-ed! The bottom left corner of a desk deals with “knowledge”, and therefore is the obvious placement for books. I don’t have any books related to my profession with me, but I do have Tina Fey’s “Bossypants” which is an appropriate work aesthetic all in itself. It’s also low-key a power move. Done.
On to the middle! The back middle tic-tac-toe square of a desk represents “fame and reputation”. I read a bit about how this area needs to be your image and face to the world. Um. I definitely don’t want to have a picture of myself on my desk, that’s weird… I once had a coworker make their desktop background a picture themselves. It wasn’t a picture of them with friends and family. No. Just a picture of ONLY themselves. That’s irrelevant, but I feel you needed to know that people like this exist out there. But I’m getting distracted. Anyway! The internet advises placing a light or candle in this segment because the illumination reflects the “illumination within yourself” or something… Well, I can’t have a candle. Hello, fire hazard. But I have a Himalayan salt lamp I can put there! And, yes, I also bought the lamp because it supposedly increases serotonin and makes one relax a bit. I’m a hippie, I know. Leave me alone.
Now we’re reached the middle center of the desk. The holy grail. The meat & potatoes. What does it represent? Apparently, the center of a desk is for “health” and- get this- is supposed to be EMPTY. Now, I understand getting rid of clutter… But if the middle of my desk is empty, what do I work on?! But, in an effort to be more Feng Shui, I will clear my desk and push my work to its appropriate area: “career”.
The “career” segment is the one right in front of you: the bottom center little square in our imaginary grid. This is where you can put a laptop, notepad, inspirational quotations, etc. Here’s the thing… I have a double monitor PC, and if I bring all of that RIGHT to where the front of my desk, I’ll go crazy. I guess there’s no perfect solution here, so I’ll have to compromise a little bit and make it work. Feng Shui says the “career” section should have an element of water, so I’ll make my desktop background the ocean. There you go.
It’s the final segment! (Did you read that to the tune of “final countdown!”? If not, we cannot be friends.) The back right portion of the desk represents relationships… UGH. Really?! Even in the Feng Shui world I’m supposed to be reminded of my singledom? The advise is to display a picture of you and “your beloved”, but since I don’t have that, I’ll need to opt in to the alternate: Place a small EMPTY vase to invite relationships into your life. How absolutely pathetic and depressing is that? An EMPTY vase? Like my EMPTY heart? Geez! I didn’t realize Feng Shui was going to go savage on me. Regardless- Instead a constant, visible, tangible reminder of loveless life, I’m going to put yet a second picture of my dog here. Sorry.
The middle right portion of the desk has to to with “creativity.” Now this is my niche! My favorite square, if you will. I now have the perfect designated spot to put all of my doodles- er, i mean VERY important notes- that I take during office meetings.
Here’s the grand finale. The last, bottom right, square of the desk. This corner’s purpose is to represent “helpful people” and should be a designated area for your telephone. First of all, I have two phones. I have an office phone and my personal cell phone. Does the personal cell phone go in the family section, and the office phone in the helpful people section? Do I stack both phones together to fit in this portion of my desk? Also, I tend to talk to a lot of people that are the opposite of helpful, so does this defeat the purpose? I also read that a Rolodex should be kept here… But it’s 2018 and nobody owns those anymore.
So basically my computer size AND my phone(s) are causing huge problems in my Feng Shui abilities. But, granted… If I completely removed BOTH my computer & phone from my desk (and kept the two pictures of my dog), I’m sure it 100 percent really would successfully reduce my job-related stress. Thus, it works!
My desk is complete! I am now officially balanced at work the Feng Shui way. In all honesty, I genuinely tried this out and am hoping it makes as big of a difference as Pinterest users claim. Only time will tell! I’ll be sure to keep all eager ears updated on my workplace temperament. If all else fails, I guess I could always just get another Himalayan salt lamp. Or another picture of my dog..
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KatieCallaway
Katie is 27 and is from Nashville, TN but lives in Los Angeles, CA as an actress, comedian, writer, and marketing manager. Although some might disagree, she likely peaked when she had dinner with Randy Jackson and he called her “dude” a lot. You can see her active on the Twitterverse at @KECallaway or you can also follow her new Insta at @KatieCallaway even though she hates Instagram.
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This sounds hard so I will just stick to #lioning
Gotta respect the tried and true method from the OG McGannon.
This was incredibly long
I can’t get past the fact you’re calling the “top” of your desk the “back”.