I Squeeze Avocados Directly Onto My Meals Because Slicing Just Isn’t Practical

I Squeeze Avocados Directly Onto My Meals Because Slicing Just Isn't Practical

A few years back, I enjoyed a very overpriced meal in downtown Fort Worth. I won’t name names, because it’s very likely the chef just didn’t bring his A-game that night (personal reasons), but the food was just average. I’m not picky, but if I’m dropping 40+ on the filet by itself, my bar is high. Afterward as the group waited at on the valet, one of my buddies commented on the merits of the meal.

“Mine was decent, but the presentation was excellent.”

He was dead serious. I knew that there were presentation people out there, but up until that point, I had incorrectly assumed they were only food critics and struggling food bloggers. As for me, I’m a taste guy. Taste is life, the rest is just details. I don’t believe in style points when it comes to calories. And that’s why when I’m complementing a home cooked meal with some healthy monounsaturated fats, I just cut an avocado in half and squeeze it on the plate.

No slicing. No spooning. Just a squeeze.

How does that make you feel? Are you rethinking your decision to even read this little blog of ours? Based on the reaction I’ve received from friends and family since outing myself as a squeezer, I have to think I’ll take a hit for this whether it be on social media or just behind closed doors. Any chance of me seeking public office may be out the window, because as Ted Cruz will soon learn, the electorate does not take kindly to honest food dialogue:

But in the interest of the utmost transparency, I think it’s important you understand that this is who I am. I promise you, though, this isn’t just me seeking to separate myself from the herd. No, I squeeze for a reason.

Let’s start with the obvious – it saves time. Time is money. A man in my position cannot afford to be off the grind for any longer than he has to be. So naturally, if I can save anywhere from 25 to 55 seconds with breakfast, I’m taking that 10/10. You ever look at your clock on your way into work and think to yourself, “I wish I hadn’t taken the time to slice up that avocado like I did because now I’m running a bit late like a loser”? Of course you have. Stop making the same mistakes over and over. Does a little avocado stick to the skin? Maybe a negligible amount if you don’t know what you’re doing, but not enough to go waste a spoon over.

And don’t even get me started on dinner. Taco night? I don’t have time to fuck around with a knife or a spoon just to make feeding time look pretty. You’re just going to fold that tortilla before serving it anyway, so what’s the point? Ohhh, you like cutting the little lines in the avocado because it makes you feel like you’re Giada? Let me make this very clear: You’re not Giada, and the only reason anyone with a camera in front of them pulls out a knife to slice an avocado up is to kill time. They’ve got an entire hour to fill. Guarantee she squeezes when the cameras are off.

But what about the brown stuff? And the pit? Well, I’ve been consuming avocados for probably three decades, and a little brown in the avocado never hurt me. If you’re really taking the time to spoon out and dispose of a little bit of off-color fruit, I think you’re being a tad bit neurotic. As for the pit, it’s important to remember that squeezing is a skill that takes time to master. As time goes by, you’ll eventually develop a squeeze that limits the amount of avocado that stays stuck to the pit. In the mean time, don’t be afraid to toss that pit into your cheek and indulge in the excess avocado oils. There’s a lot of benefits to taking avocado oil. I listen to a lot of podcasts.

I’ll close with this: presentation is a crutch of the untalented chef. Style in lieu of substance. Lipstick on a pig. You know what I’m sayin, Campbell. It’s a great way to mask what is very likely to be a mediocre meal. It’s not going to taste any better because it looks like it was prepared for a stock photo, so why lie to yourself? You’re not Salt Bae, pards. Put some effort into becoming better in the kitchen, and you won’t have to worry about what it looks like. In the end, we’re all just looking for gains anyway.

Image via Shutterstock

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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