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Shamefully, I return to my desk with my head hung a little lower than usual, back hunched, eyes on the floor, and walking in a gangly, awkward gait trying desperately to cross my legs and move forward at the same time. It is a daily ritual of returning from the bathroom with a few droplets (many times more than a few) of pee on my khakis. I swear I’ve tried everything from wiping down with toilet paper to doing a good old fashioned shakeout for what feels like hours.
Be it splash-back or just a little bit that was left in the reserve to really screw me over, I can’t seem to escape this nightmare. Sadly, on the days when my navy or darker colored khakis are in the laundry, the dreaded classic tan khakis come out to play. Relentless, they toy with my emotions, knowing that as soon as I go to wash my hands I will glance down and see the elusive dark circles just below my “special area”.
The vicious circle of drinking as much coffee and water as possible to create more bathroom breaks comes with a serious cost. It is the internal embarrassment of thinking your co-workers consider you nothing more than a slightly more capable, college educated toddler.
In addition to that, you’ve probably convinced yourself that they are taking notes of each and every one of your bathroom breaks, and wondering if you have a serious bladder issue. In reality, the men and women you work with couldn’t care less, and most likely have never even noticed. However, the possibility that maybe they have noticed, or could detect it in the future is enough to cripple some men.
On various occasions, “Little Brad” will grant me a blessing. I’ll approach the sink with a heaviness in my heart, only to be greeted by a fresh, clean pair of khakis ready to be strutted around the office. On these rare occasions, I thank my body for making me look potty-trained this time and confidently re-fill my water bottle, ready to take on the day. But then, before I know it, the slight clenching feeling returns, and I am consumed with fear that another bathroom break is in my future.
It is a never-ending cycle, and one that I can never hope to break. Is there hope for people like me? Maybe. I could conform to a life of only dark-colored pants to save me the embarrassment, but I love my khakis too much. They are the iconic symbol of business casual, and I have too much respect for them to just toss them in the closet forever. Thus, day in and day out, over and over again, I dance with the devil every bathroom break.
It is not an easy way to live, and I hope there are at least some people out there who have felt my pain. I suppose it could be worse, though. I could have openly shit my pants at work after a street stand burrito goes bad. I could’ve had an explosive bowel movement right there in my cubicle and been shamed forever. Maybe I should just count my blessings and focus on worrying about whether or not I have some sort of crippling kidney disease.
For the sake of my mental health and embarrassment, please leave any solutions you have to this affliction below..
Image via Shutterstock
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Post Grad Brad
Recent post grad whose name is Brad. That pretty much sums it up. Email me at postgradbrad@gmail.com.
Time to invest in a pee bib
My friends and I can all attest to the effectiveness of the pee-bib
You guys ever try peeing upwards when you’re in the shower? I call it the birdbath. It’s hilarious.
Aaaand now I have to piss again.
I’ve only gone five times today so far this morning. Two of which I needed, three of which I just needed to get away from my desk.
“No matter how you squeeze and dance, the last two drops go in your pants.”
(But seriously, shake by the bottom of your balls or sprinkle your entire pelvic area with water so it looks like it’s from the sink.)
Its how I cope. With a bunch of water all over the front of your pants, you just look like you carelessly air-dry your hands. No one can actually have that much of a lawn sprinkler going on down there, right?
via GIPHY
This has been happening to me for years and I always thought I was the only that had this issue. Comforting to know I’m not alone.
Strength in numbers my friend
Ahh the old dark circle below the zipper after the bathroom. You aren’t alone, buddy.
I really want to tell people in the office about this hilariously accurate article, but I’m also afraid they’ll just start watching me come back from the bathroom every time.
With risk of sounding like a psychopath, pressing on your taint will push the extra urine out of the old hog, it’s a fool proof method as long as you don’t get caught pressing on your taint at work.
God damn this is me. I hate having to wear scrubs for this reason alone.