I Have Too Many Gym Friends And I Hate It

I Have Too Many Gym Friends And I Hate It

To cut right to it, I got fat as shit last year. I haven’t been conventionally “thin” in years but after breaking my ankle last September and having surgery on it, I spent the next 4 months confined to my couch. And to put it frankly, that sedentary lifestyle left me a little thiccer than I find acceptable. In all honesty, I blame it on the Cubs World Series run and the fact that Budweiser & Spicy Nacho Doritos are a delectable pairing. But I digress…

Once I was cleared to workout in January, I went full meathead and started hitting the Gym 6 days a week. The results have been mediocre at best if we’re being honest, so I’m not going to take you on my fitness journey. I’ll save that for Jenna; she does a much better job than I ever could. No, I’d like to address an aspect to my new #fit lifestyle that is taking quite the toll on me. I have too many Gym friends.

Being a naturally social guy, I can’t not acknowledge someone if I’ve seen them on a consistent basis over time, and the Gym is no exception. Having this mentality has come back to kick me in the nads. It was all good when I just talked to the one guy who swims at the same time as me (that’s right, speedos, ya nerds). We’d say hi, complain about how warm the pool was, then go back to smuggling grapes. It was a routine I was fine with and it had very little impact on my day. Then a few weeks ago the guys who lift started taking me in as one of their own. It takes longer for them to accept you than the swimmers because things don’t change after high school.

It was flattering at first because, if we’re being honest, I look like a make a wish kid compared to actual strong people. So it was nice to feel like I was in with the heavy hitters, similar to being a Made Man in the Mafia. But now I’m knee deep in bros vying for my attention, and it’s gotten to be too much. There’s only so much of me to go around, fellas.

The term humblebragging is thrown around loosely these days, and I want to assure all of you that that’s not what I’m about. I know some of you may be getting jealous of my situation, and for that I am sorry. I can’t help it that I’m likable as shit. And believe me when I say, it’s not easy to have a bunch of aggressively roided up dudes fighting tooth and nail to get a “Sup” nod from your boy. It’s FAR too much interaction than I would prefer while I fight the urge to shit my pants at the squat rack. One second it’s a guy trying to make small talk in between one of my very sub par sets. Next thing I know I’ll be dodging towel flips while I trying not to look at some guys hang down. I’m headed down a dangerous road and I know it. My only question now is how do I get out of it?

I feel like I have few options in this situation. My roommate, who is a social misfit, suggested that I should just ignore them til they leave me alone. While this seems efficient in theory, it’s also rude and I don’t have the stones to pull a sonning like that on a guy who could wipe his ass with me. Do I just embrace it and adopt a new meathead lifestyle? While I don’t think the girlfriend would complain, I don’t think it’s a sustainable plan for me. For starters, pre workout give me chest pains and creatine turns my piss blue. Not the best look for a 25-year-old desk jockey in my most humblest opinion. If any of you have some advice on how I should proceed or just want to tell me to kick rocks, feel free. And if you’re looking for a new best friend, you know where to find me.

Image via Shutterstock

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Kevin Caulfield

Chicago based stand up comedian. Writer. Idiot

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