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You can smell it in the fresh cut veggies in the Juice Press green monsters. You can feel it in forced smiles at engagement brunches. You can see the mixed emotions in their eyes as they mail in the RSVP. You know what it means. You can feel it all the way in your plums. It’s #weddingseason.
Weddings are great. My own love life might be a shit storm, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get down with a soppy love story. I will own and defend my staunch independence until I die, but I’m not about to sit here and tell you I don’t want a wedding of my own. Hell yeah, I want to get married one day. But right now, most guys I talk to end up shitting the bed. Or, you know, wetting it.
Anyway, the point is that I’m not, by any means, anti-wedding. However, a good friend recently asked me to be in her wedding. (She’s my big, for all my fellow ex-srat stars.) This is much, much different. I told her she was absolutely insane. Thanks for the offer, but please god don’t do this to me, to yourself, or to the best day of your life.
I’m not bred for the life of a bridesmaid. For me, weddings are a lot like being in a sorority was: I like being around it, but I am not qualified in the least to be a part of it. I wear way too much black for that. (For context: When I turned 21, my friends tried to make me wear a crown and a sash and I repeatedly tried to flush them down the toilet. Your standard, happy-go-lucky gal.)
Does Ms. Bride think that I’m going to wear pink and get coordinating Starbucks lattes and take pictures of us holding hands in some godforsaken field? Doesn’t she know I look a fool when trying to take a “candid” laughing picture? Can someone teach me how to hide my pain when she picks out a dress I’m inevitably going to need Spanx up to my face to look good in? I’m not good at this. I have absolutely no idea how to handle it.
Her bachelorette party is almost here, and I’m scared. Actually scared. Scared for my life. Scared for our friendship that I am bound to destroy. Does she know I’d rather sleep on hot coals than wear a bandage dress and stilettos? Do I get a stripper? Am I supposed to buy her flowers and a penis cake? How do I participate, but also not want to tuck ‘n’ roll out of the moving Amtrak on our way there?
Luckily, this girl is chill as hell. The only thing I’m not allowed to do for the wedding is not show up. And considering it’s in the Bahamas, I figure that’s easy enough. But if a chill girl is going to get all bridezilla on me, it’s absolutely going to be for her bachelorette party. She’s lying if she says she wants it low-key. No one wants it low-key. I need help, here. How do I make a girls’ weekend sophisticated and fun, but just a touch risqué?
The other bridesmaids better get on the glitter and tiaras. I’ll be over here channeling my energy into not bailing. In fact, they’re giving me the only assignment I can’t fail at: getting the penis cake. .
Image via Shutterstock
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@_cflammia
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cflammia
The only game plan you need…
Put your life savings into a down payment on an SVT Raptor, throw a Taurus 45 on the credit card, and see where the night takes you. How bad could it go?
I busted out laughing. Good on ya.
This is a must-have for the bachelorette party, and if you’re serious about the bride being chill, the wedding too.
via GIPHY
Being a bridesmaid can suck. I’m basically a pretentious, introverted, snob that dresses like a witch year round and yet come June I’ll be running around Vegas in a pink bikini drinking from a dick straw dancing to pit bull. Why? Because I love my sister and seeing her happy to have all her best friends and family drinking from dicks is worth it. Not many women love being a bridesmaid (it’s a strange form of prolonged torture), but if you love the bride then it’s worth it. Although I will never understand the societal impulse to throw thousands of dollars at a one-day event, I understand that some people that I love will make this choice and I’ll be expected to participate.
My advice? If you have lots of close friends or siblings getting married, start a bridesmaid fund that you contribute to once or twice a month, cause that shit is expensive. Be honest with the bride from the beginning about how much you can spend and how much time you can commit to spending on wedding shit. For bridal events, get as drunk as possible as fast as possible, but not as drunk as the bride.