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Yes, I know. I know you probably want to reach through the computer screen, pull me out the other side, and put me in an adult timeout just to punish me for writing an article about a current trend so annoyingly trendy.
Here’s the thing though: I’m just as mad as you are. Do you think I really need yet another thing to do every morning before 9 a.m.? No. No, I god damn don’t.
That being said, nothing was going to stop me from writing this article because meditating works and it has made my brain (otherwise known as the rowdy neighbors upstairs) a whole hell of a lot more sane.
Meditating has worked for me in a big, fat, juicy way, and I’ll be damned if I don’t share the spoils of my existential riches with you internet folk. So buckle up, this will just take a second.
Why I Began To Meditate
Throughout my entire life, I had never struggled with anxiety. I did not have panic attacks nor did I grapple with “quieting my mind.” If you were to ask my peers, they would have considered me incredibly even keel.
That is, of course, until this past year knocked me off my fucking axis.
It was as if the gods plucked me from my path, shook me up so that the vertigo was nearly unbearable, and plopped me somewhere at the crossroads of “Fuck! Is this what life is like?!” and “I’m too old to act like a child and lose my shit so why am I losing my shit?!”.
I spent this entire year feeling as if I may throw up, either from the stress, indecision, or the hangover from one too many “where is my life going” martinis.
I have been living in a fully inflated emotional bounce house. Welcome to the party. I’m Victoria, your quintessential “girl who thinks she’s got it together then gets her world rocked.” Nice to meet you.
If I were to choose another (slightly absurd) metaphor to describe the past twelve months, I would say it has been a trek through the woods. Some days the light shines through the foliage and heats up my life so hot I could fry an egg on the nearest boulder, and other days the darkness is thick, and damp, and the birds whisper songs of “you’re not good enough” over a chorus of “you’ll never amount to anything.”
Sure, I still look and act pulled together, but this past year was one hell of a transition. I was quite literally growing out of the girl I knew. I was shedding one version of myself and the metamorphosis was uncomfortable.
So, in the name of embracing and rectifying my unease, I spent this past year making a potpourri of life changes.
I gave up on being perfect, started telling people I was unsure about my choices, and began practicing contrary actions. I cried in public a few times, went dancing A LOT, and begged our editors to let me write on this very blog. I wore my heart on my sleeve as if it were a FitBit, and finally, you guessed it…started meditating.
It Wasn’t Love At First “OM”
Initially, I tried everything. Guided meditation, seated meditation, and the one where it’s just a recording of gongs in the background and I hated every bit of it. Honestly, I tried to quit half a dozen times.
The worst thing about meditation is that it is actually hard work, which is annoying as shit. If I could just sit there and fantasize about the doughnut I was going to eat for breakfast, then it would have been (literally) a no brainer.
Unfortunately, meditating is the opposite. It is like a workout for your brain.
Whether or not your intention is to quiet down the pink squish in your cranium, focus on positive affirmations, visualize goals, or do any other myriad of magical mind tricks – it takes practice, time, and focus.
For months, I went through the steps and felt nothing but pissed off. For whatever reason though, and maybe it’s because I’m so stubborn (Scorpio’s am I right?!), I would wake up 20 minutes early every day and mother fucking meditate.
The Moment It Hit Me
One morning, 4 months in, everything changed. I turned off my alarm, sat up in my pajama set, and migrated groggily from my bed to my designated “meditating chair” (a hard desk chair so I wouldn’t slip back into slumber). I began my guided meditation, opened my eyes 20 minutes later, got dressed, and went about my day.
It wasn’t until the afternoon that I noticed something different.
I was going about my work day and all of a sudden I realized the buzzing was gone. My stomach (and butt cheeks) were unclenched! I thought about my future with less panic and more faith- faith that things would workout. I walked down the street, and, for the first time in a long time, didn’t once compare myself to strangers or my peers. I was in a protective bubble I had built with my mind.
Above all, it was that very afternoon that I once again felt resilient. It wasn’t that I felt invincible, that nothing bad would ever happen to me again, but I felt stronger. I felt like I could handle life’s attempts to knock me down. The clarity was back. Hallelujah!
No, The Work Is Not Done And I Am Not Perfect
Now of course, not everything changed overnight. Meditation was not an instant fix, and even though I can see light at the end of this thing, I can’t leave my daily practice behind.
What I went through last year was a massive, painful growing pain. It was the loss of my identity, and the formation of a new one, and as much as I want to avoid it, I know it’s going to happen again. Nothing is permanent.
It may happen next year in my new city, when I’m 25 and decide to go to grad school, when I’m 30 and want to have kids, or when I’m 50 and have a hankering for a sports car.
Who knows when I’ll once again get knocked off my axis or feel off kilter. But that’s okay. Life will throw its weight at me again, just like it did this year, but I now feel a whole lot more confident in my ability to self correct.
I’m not as scared of falling apart, because now I know what it’s like to really put myself back together. That truly is the best gift this process has given me.
So maybe this will help you too, or maybe it won’t. Maybe you’ll read this and see parts of yourself in me, whether it be parts of yourself now or parts of yourself when you were younger.
I’ve written down a whole lot of feelings since my first article 6 months ago. So what am I feeling now?
Relief.
And meditation, as annoying as it is, helped me get there..
Image via AMC
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CallMeVictoria
Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com
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It’s so cool that I can read a helpful article like on the same website I read about idiots blacking out in “Worst Stories from the Weekend.”
Diversification is the key to success.
In think, in the world we live in, we could all use a little meditation. Not necessarily sir Indian style and hum for 30 minutes, but maybe just disconnect from the world and sit in silence and think. Hell, have a beer while you do it, but allow yourself to think and feel something outside of our cubicles and phone screens. Happy Monday y’all
This may sound trivial, but about seven months ago I deleted Instagram. I suffer from anxiety as well and I found that after scrolling through Instagram I would just be left with a feeling of not being good enough. Plus there is a new post every minute or two with people showing the highlights of their life, and it cluttered my mind and stressed me out. It’s just so much content to digest day in and day out.
It’s been a few months without it and I’m definitely noticing improvement with my mental state. I feel more at peace and am definitely more focused on my life and how to improve it instead of worrying about what others are doing. Oh, and meditation has helped too!
Never had an Instagram, but I did the same thing with Facebook as a New Years resolution. It’s been amazing. Now, the only people whose lives I know of and care about are my friends and not random people that I met twice in college. It’s such a relief, I feel like I’m living my life for me and not for the perception of me to people with whom I haven’t spoken in years.
I deleted my facebook and made a PGP account same day.
Just deleted Facebook and Twitter from my phone about a week ago as I realized I get zero enjoyment out of looking at them. It was just something I could mindlessly do for 5 minutes at a time.
Have to say I was pleasantly surprised by how just 5 mins with my meditation app made my mood so much better
This, all of this. Thank you for summarizing a part of what I’ve been going through this past year and am still trying to figure out. Meditating is a part of the supposed solution to it and it’s hard as fuck.
Any tips on getting started? Something like a beginners workout to see what aspects of meditation come easily and what areas you will need to work on?
I found that guided meditation was the most helpful for me. Being able to focus on a voice is easier than clearing your mind. The best piece of advice I would give anyone just starting meditating is that its okay and normal to let your mind wander, if you TRY to not think about anything you will get stuck thinking about not thinking.
This gives me hope, I’ve had several false-starts with meditation in the past and can never seem to keep at it. Any recommendations for apps that do guided meditation?
I use Calm! It’s great
I started using Headspace a few months ago, and it’s been a game changer.