I Don’t Want Any Of Your Terrible Wedding Favors

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I am what you might consider a wedding season veteran. I have been to many nuptials, and I have loved them all – I’ve even cried at one or two (or five). And cocktail hours and receptions… I live for the hors d’oeuvres and open bar. Once the dance floor is finally open, you’ll be hard pressed to get me off of it until the end of the night. But that’s when my mood begins to turn – I usually waver between joy, anxiety, frustration, and a time or two I’ve spiraled into disgust. It has nothing to do with the vodka coursing through my veins, the bride’s chatty drunk aunt, or the lack of attractive single men available. It’s the fact that I cannot stand receiving yet another awful wedding favor.

While I’m a firm believer in “it’s the thought that counts,” perhaps you could have put a little more thought into your favors? I mean, the bride isn’t the only one who put a lot of time and effort into the day. I did as well: the dress, the shoes, the hair, the nails, the drink(s)… shall I go on? As a wedding guest, I am fully invested, and I want return on my investment. Yep, I am fully aware of the fact that the average wedding cost is somewhere near $30,000, but maybe some of that money could have gone towards the part of your budget to make sure that your favors didn’t suck a major bag of dicks.

I could go on for quite a bit about what favors are the most cringeworthy, but over the years I have collected them all- the ugly, the useless, the most over-done. Yes, I realize that I could just leave them on the table – but I’m not rude, just judgmental. So, please, for my sanity and everyone else’s, skip the following shitty favors.

Mason Jars

Oh, another mason jar: fan-fucking-tastic. It’s only the seventh one I’ve gotten this year. How many more times do I have to show up to a wedding and see some piece of shit chalkboard calligraphy about, “Pick a jar and hold on tight, this is your glass for the night!”? Please cue the banjos, because your wedding is not “rustic” or “vintage” if your favor is a mason jar that I’ve been sipping out of all night long: your wedding is a hillbilly cliche. I am not sure where, or who, started this trend, but it needs to stop. The mason jar favor is like your old family dog: It’s very old and very tired, and it’s pissing and shitting in the house. Do the right thing, and put it down for Christ’s sake.

Seeds/Plants

Do I look like Johnny Appleseed to you? There are some days I forget to put on deodorant – I cannot be trusted to grow a plant. Even though I received this one time as a favor, it was one time too many. The packet of seeds (accompanied with a nauseating note that said “Bloom With Love”) gave me a deep rage and made me question everything. Most of all, I wondered who confirmed that, yes, a packet of seeds is a fantastic wedding favor? Guess what, it’s not. Oh, and your love is currently blooming at the bottom of a sewer, because I flushed it down the toilet – that’s where all shit goes.

Anything With The Wedding Date/Couples’ Names

I am convinced that someone developed this favor as a ploy to get anniversary presents, and fuck that shit. Do you really expect me, three years from now, to glance at some crap picture frame and suddenly get you something for your third anniversary? Bride and Groom, to quote my ex-boyfriend from middle school, “I like you… but I don’t ‘like you’ like you.” I don’t give a rat’s ass about remembering your big day, other than I got drunk and ate some bomb ass bacon-wrapped scallops and dry humped a tall, dark and handsome groomsman on the dance floor. There’s nothing I want to punt across the dance floor more than some piece of shit fake silver candle holder with your wedding date engraved on it, or any variation of the aforementioned piece of shit. If you’re absolutely going to put any numbers on a favor, make it that groomsman’s phone number.

Welcome Bag/Hangover Kit

These have pretty much become a staple at every wedding that I attend, so passing this off as a favor is incredibly lazy. In fact, claiming this as a type of favor is the biggest cop-out of all time. While it looks like the couple has taken a lot of time and put a lot of thought into this favor, they really haven’t. The bride is a basic bitch who can navigate the hell outta Etsy to find the “cutest” burlap bag with a kitschy font that says “In sickness and in health!” and the groom is any moron who can drive his car to the nearest Walgreens for a bunch of travel Advil packets. This is not my first rodeo: I do not need aspirin and water because I’ve already packed both. Furthermore, I don’t want a map of the location, or a list of activities to do at your semi-destination wedding: just give me explicit directions to the closest bar.

At this point, you may be thinking that I am one bitter bitch and nothing could possibly make me happy. No, my friend, you’re quite wrong. The only favors that I truly enjoy are the kinds that I can consume: food and booze. One of the best weddings I’ve been to had an ice cream truck roll up at the end of the night. Everyone stumbled off double fisting Chipwiches and Choco-Tacos, and we were all the more better for it. Imagine how happy your guests would be if a taco or pizza truck rolled up at the end of the night. Best. Wedding. Ever.

Ah, but who am I kidding? I know that you’re probably not going to listen to me, so you know what, you do you. I know that you’re going to anyway. But if you must have that mason jar, stick an airplane bottle in there. Put some homemade cookies into the welcome bag. And maybe a single groomsman’s number while you’re at it. .

Image via Shutterstock

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missmackay

Teaching the youth. Probably covered in glue. okaymissmackay@gmail.com

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