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I spent the first 24 years of my life thinking all you allergy sufferers were a bunch of cry babies. Every time I heard someone complain about their symptoms, I assumed they were being a drama queen. Oh, the pollen that we’ve coexisted with for millennia is hurting your delicate little sinuses? I’m sure that’s tough. You’ve sneezed 80 times today? Stop bragging, the Guinness Book Of World Record guys aren’t around. Sure, sure you’re not crying. It’s tooootally just your allergies, you diva. I offered no sympathy, and honestly thought most of you were faking it for attention. And then it happened to me.
I woke up yesterday in a great mood. I had made it through another Chicago winter, and it was finally nice out. I had a day off from work, and you know what? I was going to celebrate with a walk in the park. Or so I thought. Immediately after I stepped outside and took a deep breath of the warm air, I felt something was wrong, but I shook it off. By the time I had walked the mile to the nearest park, I knew I had made the wrong decision. My head was pounding, and not just from all the Mimosas I had drank the day before. Every time I sneezed, my brain rattled, and I had sneezed more in the past half-hour than in my entire life. My face felt like a tiny boa constrictor had slithered up my nose, into my sinuses, and was doing it’s best to crush me from the inside out. My eyes were red and teary, as if I had gotten so stoned I decided to watch a Marley and Me and Old Yeller at the same time. In short, I was dying.
After falling into a deep WebMD hole and reaching out to every person I knew who worked in the medical field (two ex-girlfriends who were not pleased to receive my text), I finally resorted to my final hope; I called my mother. And she laughed at me. Even my quintessential Jewish mother, a woman who took me to the ER as a child for ailments that turned out to be turf burn, a wasp sting, and “a tummy ache,” didn’t even feel any worry about me being on death’s door. “Honey,” she explained over chuckles, “Those are allergies. Everyone has them. They probably just kicked in for you.” And that was it. At age 25, after a quarter century of life, I am finally just like all of you. My name is Nick Arcadia, and I suffer from seasonal allergies.
The past 36 hours have been hard on me, both physically and emotionally. I’m trapped in my house. The very air I breathe, the oxygen that gives me life, is tainted with a horrible poison. I’m no botanist, but I’m completely sure that every single flower in the state of Illinois is in bloom, and their pollen spores are all lodged in my sinuses. As you can tell from my tweet, I’m not holding up well.
If pollen is how plants breed, are my allergies literally mother nature skull fucking my sinuses? because it sure feels like it
— N (@noampao) April 25, 2017
The emotional pain is even deeper. My world has turned upside down. This whole time I’ve been giving all of your allergy-whiners shit, and now I’m the greatest allergy-whiner of all time. Every third sentence to my roommate has been a complaint about Mother Nature, spring, or “fucking bees.” My friends, who have all been on the receiving end of my allergy-related teasing, are ganging up on me in the group chat with a coordinated effort the likes of which I’ve never seen. At this point, my girlfriend is blatantly ignoring my texts. But none of that matters, because I’m staying indoors for the rest of spring. Until flowers’ bitch asses decide to stop jerking off into the air I breathe, I’m staying the fuck inside. I don’t know if my work will accept “the very planet we live on is trying to murder me” as a reason to not come in, but if not, I’m prepared to lose my job. Nothing matters except survival.
My life is now like that horrible Stephen King movie where Mark Wahlberg is being stalked by plants or some bullshit. I will eat nothing but Benadryl, and drink nothing but hot tea. I may purchase a gas mask. But I will survive. See you all a few weeks..
Image via Shutterstock
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
Guys, our bodies change every 7 years so new allergens can appear without us being prepared for them. That being said, please stop buying huge ass diesel trucks and then jacking them up and putting custom exhaust on them to make them look like the trucks you used to play with in the sand box as a kid. I already know that you have a Napoleon Complex, can’t face the realities of growing up, and have a very tiny man penis. Your insecuritymobiles are spewing hydrocarbons in the atmosphere and chasing rampant pollution that can trigger allergies in healthy people. Your small dicks are collectively fucking all of our asses and we couldn’t feel them for awhile because they’re small and stuff lol
Huh?
These are a little too much. I have a diesel truck and my penis is just slightly above average so you’re wrong
I’m sorry for hurting your penis’s feelings, man
Why diesel? Should I look into this?
Neti pot. Distilled water and salt rinse every day.
You’re not going trick me into water boarding myself with that torture device, Putin
typical soft American
I tried this once at work, while pregnant and unable to take anything…I nearly drowned while all my coworkers watched. Wouldn’t recommend.
Flonase, man, it’s the truth. And everyone knows all the best drugs get snorted.
“Until flowers’ bitch asses decide to stop jerking off into the air I breathe, I’m staying the fuck inside.” Amazing, that is all.
Take an over the counter allergy medication every day, along with two sprays of Flonaise in each nostril twice daily. Take a steaming hot shower every morning to loosen sinus pressure. Keep the windows to your apartment closed and Neti pot if absolutely necessary.
Try being allergic to trees, grass, pollen, cats, dogs, wheat, and dairy……I need to live in a bubble
Pretty sure NK is free of all those. Go dominate that place.
Texas Allergies are egregious…. that is all.
Headaches from April till June. Stupid tree bushes.
Welcome to my life brother. Not to complain or anything, but my sinuses are the legitimate worst in the Tri-State area. I broke my nose a few years back and when I went to the ENT to get it looked it, he goes “you have quite the sinus infection, but you probably know that. What medication are you on”. Up until that point, I had no idea I was sick and felt what I consider as fine. I’m at the point where I can’t differentiate between how I feel when not sick, allergies and a sinus infection. Because of this, I’ll just use my nasal spray, pop a claritin, maybe some advil and hope for the best. I empathize, but don’t sympathize.
SO is a nurse at an allergy and asthma doctor office. It’s been the best thing to ever happen. Now I’m on some new shit that is working miracles. And it something flares up, I get free samples of zyrtec
Amazon sells a year’s supply of 24-hour Claritin (loratadine) for like $17. Kirkland brand. It works magic.
This article really sums up my life the past month. I’ve never had bad allergies until i came to Bloomington, and now I feel like I have a severe cold for a full month.