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Note, this piece is the final companion to a mini-story arc comprising one “episode.” For the full storyline, check out Hypothetical Seinfelds: Uber Rating, Pinterest, Uber Driver, and Redecorating.
[On the streets of New York, we catch a glimpse of a black Suburban gliding along a street. Inside, we realize that this car is being driven by none other than Kenny Bania. In the back sits George Costanza. Bania appears frustrated, while George is desperate and pleading.]
BANIA: I just cannot believe that you would use someone else’s Uber account to get me to pick you up, George! It’s beyond reprehensible.
GEORGE: Please Bania I’m desperate. I’m waiting twenty, thirty minutes to get a ride now. I’m constantly late to appointments. I-I lost a date last week because of the wait times! We were leaving dinner, I told her I’d get a ride, after fifteen minutes she says she’s going to meet her friends. I see her getting in another Uber not two minutes later!
BANIA: Look I’m sorry you’re having such tough luck, but what you’re asking me to do is unethical.
GEORGE: What’s unethical? It’s a fake rating system! All you have to do is spread the word to all the drivers you know that I’m willing to tip big in exchange for five-star reviews.
BANIA: Good ratings are not about the money George, really.
GEORGE: Oh of course it is! You power-hungry fat cats in your fiefdoms, laughing at us peasants from your gold thrones in your ivory towers!
BANIA: How much do you think an Uber driver makes George?
GEORGE: I don’t know, but you all have these fancy cars so you can’t be doing that bad!
BANIA: Well if we’re doing so well, why do you think other drivers are going to pick up the lowest-rated passenger just for a few extra bucks?
[George considers this for a second, but shakes it off.]
GEORGE: Look are you gonna help me or not Bania?
BANIA: Why don’t you just take Lyft? It’s basically the same as Uber, you’ll have a clean slate in terms of ratings.
GEORGE: Lyft? Are you kidding me? What kind of a person uses Lyft? People will think I’m a degenerate. Some out-of-touch poseur who listens to music on a Zune and uses Bing instead of Google.
BANIA: Then just use a cab. There’s still hundreds and thousands of cabs in New York.
GEORGE: A cab!? Is that how little you think of me, Bania!? That I’m some drug-addict, degenerate, who uses cabs!? You know who uses cabs, Bania? Old people who can’t figure out how to use Uber. People without phones. People who can’t get approved for a credit card and need to pay for a ride through Central Park with a wad of moist dollar bills they fished out of the gutter.
BANIA: I think you’re being a little dramatic–
GEORGE: Dramatic!? You try taking a date to dinner in a cab! How do you think she would react? I’d rather wait an hour to get an Uber than go through that indignity!
BANIA: Alright, George, I’ll talk to some of my other driver friends. But you have to promise to be on your best behavior!
GEORGE: Aren’t I always?
[Kenny’s phone on the front console lights up with a new notification.]
BANIA: Hey I got another pickup ahead. Looks like he wants to go to the Bronx, so I’ll be able to drop you off along the way. Is that okay?
GEORGE: Of course Bania, of course. Anything I can do to make this fare easier and more profitable for you.
BANIA: Yeah you might want to work on all that. The other drivers won’t take so kindly to you so cravenly sucking up to them.
[The car turns the block and reveals Kramer is standing on the sidewalk. To his side is Elaine’s coffee table atop a rolling dolly. Bania rolls down the window as the car slows to a stop.]
BANIA: Kramer, what the hell are you doing with that thing?
KRAMER: Well I have to get this coffee table up to the Bronx today.
BANIA: So why did you request an Uber?
KRAMER: It’s a rideshare right? Well, I need a ride!
BANIA: This is Uber! Not a moving service Cosmo!
KRAMER: [He looks from Bania back to the SUV.] Well this looks like it will fit in the back if we just lower the seat.
BANIA: But why did you request an Uber Pool?
KRAMER: Well it would have been $20 more to get an XL just for myself. And I don’t think a regular Uber car would be able to fit the table.
BANIA: So how do you think that we’re going to fit that thing with another passenger here?
[Kramer looks into the backseat, just now noticing George sitting there.]
KRAMER: Hey George! Listen, do you mind squeezing over so we can fit the table in the back?
BANIA: No he absolutely does not have to sit next to a coffee table. Kramer, this is ridiculous I am obligated to drive you, not–
GEORGE: Hey, hey no, no it’s fine Bania. Anything that I can do to make this experience pleasant for you. In fact, Kramer let me give you a hand with that table!
[Bania groans. He’s clearly aware that George is still trying to suck up to him, but George is out of the car before he can say anything.]
KRAMER: Yeah thanks George for being a good sport.
GEORGE: [Quietly to Kramer.] You giant idiot why would you think that you could get an Uber Pool and have enough room for you and a giant coffee table?
KRAMER: Well I got two seats.
GEORGE: Two seats for two humans Kramer. Not one human and half a redwood!
KRAMER: Okay well what’s done is done, George. I mean after this is all over I’ll give you a 5-star rating.
GEORGE: You can’t rate other passengers.
KRAMER: Well not on the Uber app no.
[George rolls his eyes in disbelief as Kramer opens up the trunk and drops the backseat. George crouches to grab one end of the table as Kramer walks around to the other side.]
KRAMER: Alright on three. One…two…three.
[George jerks up in a lifting motion, but Kramer is still crouched. The table rocks backward and smacks into Kramer, who falls backward. George bounds over the table, which is now resting against the curb, and comes to Kramer’s aid. We can hear Bania opening the driver’s door on the other side.]
GEORGE: What the hell happened?
KRAMER: Why did you lift that so early?
GEORGE: You said we were gonna lift on three!
KRAMER: Yeah! “One, two, three, lift.”
GEORGE: You didn’t say we lift on “lift” you said lift on “three.”
BANIA: Jeez Cosmo are you okay?
KRAMER: I think so.
BANIA: [Turns to George.] What the hell are you doing George?
GEORGE: Hey, he said we were going to lift on three! I did, he didn’t.
BANIA: How did he count?
GEORGE: “One…two…three.”
BANIA: [With a long pause looking at George expectantly.] And?
GEORGE: That’s it I lifted.
BANIA: No, where’s the “lift?”
GEORGE: [Softly and distraughtly.] Oh my God.
BANIA: Everyone knows the countdown is counting to the “lift.” Everyone lifts on “lift.”
[Kramer gestures to Bania to prove his point, but as he does, we see that his foot kick the side of the coffee table. As the three men continue arguing, the table slides off the curb and, with a surprising amount of momentum, into the street. It comes to a stop right in front of a nearby car, causing the driver to swerve at the last second. The table clatters off the car in an explosion of wood, and debris slams into Bania’s car, breaking windows and leaving numerous dents. All three stand in awe at the destruction.]
KRAMER: [Softly.] Oh, that’s right. Newman coated the top of that table with axle grease so we could have our air hockey tournament. I guess he must have put that on his Pintrest page and Elaine just…
GEORGE: [Without turning away from the wrecked car.] This isn’t going to help my Uber rating is it?
BANIA: No chance, Ghatiya Insaan.
[Seinfeld outtro theme and credits play.] .
Image via Youtube
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@joshetyler
@joshetyler
My grandfather tried to sign up for Uber and accidentally applied to be a driver….he got approved
I appreciate you, Josh T. These are consistently hilarious
Thank you. I appreciate you VUmoblie.
Man, these are fucking golden Josh
Not as gold as Jerry’s ovalteen bit, but still thank you for the kind words.