Hypothetical Seinfeld: Sliding Into DMs

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

[Inside Monk’s Coffee Shop, we see Jerry, George, and Elaine sitting at their usual table. They appear to be in a fairly animated argument.]

ELAINE: I’m telling you, George, you’re wrong!

JERRY: It makes no sense!

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: Why on Earth do you think Credence Clearwater Revival would be singing “there’s a bathroom on the right”?

GEORGE: They also know that finding a good, clean bathroom is hard to find!

ELAINE: The line is “there’s a bad moon on the rise,” George. The song is called “Bad Moon Rising,” it makes sense!

GEORGE: Well I don’t see why that makes any more sense! It’s grammatically incorrect!

JERRY: Are you really surprised that a southern rock band’s lyrics don’t adhere to the rules of proper grammar?

[George begins to protest loudly, but Elaine talks over him. As the argument intensifies, it’s broken up by Kramer’s entrance. He slides into the booth next to Jerry.]

KRAMER: Well howdy there, partners. What do we have to say about this gal-orious day before us?

JERRY: It’s a Tuesday and the sanitation department is on strike. The air outside smells Newman’s bathroom.

GEORGE: I can’t believe you used Newman’s bathroom.

JERRY: It was an emergency!

GEORGE: I wouldn’t use Newman’s bathroom if it was the only intact toilet during the rapture.

JERRY: The things I saw in there…they can’t be unseen.

[Jerry shudders. After a beat George back turns to Kramer.]

GEORGE: What has gotten into you that’s put you in such a good mood today anyway?

ELAINE: [With a sly smile.] I know.

JERRY: You do?

ELAINE: Oh yeah. Our old pal Cosmo here got some nookie today.

[George and Jerry look to Kramer, who smiles and winks.]

JERRY: Well, well, Cosmo Kramer you devil may care rogue. Who was it this time? Someone we might know?

KRAMER: [Coyly.] I suppose you could say that.

JERRY: So, spill it, Romeo. Who’s the lucky girl?

[Kramer leans in low and close to the center of the table. The other three follow suit and lean in. When Kramer speaks, it’s barely a whisper.]

KRAMER: Christie Brinkley.

[He punctuates the statement with a cluck of his tongue. After a brief pause, the other three being to loudly protest.]

KRAMER: Fine, fine, don’t believe me.

GEORGE: Kramer, I know that you have this mystical power over women, but there is absolutely no chance that you managed to have sex with Christie Brinkley. The woman was a sexual icon.

ELAINE: Hey, she still is a sexual icon!

JERRY: How did you even meet Christie Brinkley?

KRAMER: Well, you know, she’s in town filming a TV show. So she posted something on Instagram about how she was getting coffee at Dinky Donuts. But she wasn’t even a block away from here so I shot her a direct message that the coffee here at Monks is so much better and I’d be happy to buy her a cup. She came over, we had some coffee and…yada yada yada.

[The other three sit back in silence for a moment, trying to grasp what Kramer is telling them.]

ELAINE: Oh my God, are you trying to say that you slid into the DMs of a former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model?

[Kramer doesn’t respond, he just shrugs with a smile.]

JERRY: [His voice getting high as he shouts with excitement.] You slid into the DMs??

KRAMER: Oh yeah I slid [he makes a whooshing noise and cuts his hand across the table, mimicking a baseball player’s slide] riiiiiiiiight in there.

GEORGE: Wow, I cannot believe that worked! You DMed a celebrity and slept with her, that’s like a running a four-minute mile after eating a whole bucket of KFC.

JERRY: That’s one hell of a pull, K-man. I can’t believe that your Kevorka works digitally.

ELAINE: Yeah I thought that Greek Orthodox priest performed some mystical ceremony and got rid of it?

KRAMER: Oh he did, but it came back Elaine. It came back stronger than ever before. With a vengeance.

JERRY: Like Gandalf the White?

[Kramer makes a popping noise and points right at Jerry.]

GEORGE: I gotta hand it to you Cosmo, I didn’t think anyone could slide into the DMs. Least of all you.

JERRY: What are you talking about people have to be able to pull the DM slide move on occasion. If it never worked, why would people even attempt it?

GEORGE: So you’re telling me, that I can see an attractive stranger on the internet and just shoot her a direct message saying I want to sleep with her and that’s all it takes.

KRAMER: [With a mouthful of Jerry’s sandwich that he appears to have claimed as his own]. Apparently.

GEORGE: No, I refuse to believe finding someone to sleep with from the internet is that easy.

JERRY: But it’s the whole premise of Tinder. And before that, picking up people at bars or on the streets.

GEORGE: Yeah, but at least then there was some form of banter. The back and forth, the dance, the will-they-won’t they. You can’t just cut out the dance and go straight to the end! It doesn’t work.

ELAINE: No, it works.

GEORGE: [With a disbelieving, patronizing chuckle.] What has it ever worked on you?

[Elaine doesn’t answer, she just takes a long, slow sip of her coffee.]

JERRY: Lanie?

ELAINE: [After a long post-sip “ah”.] Yes, Jerry?

JERRY: Are you saying…has a man slid into your DMs?

ELAINE: Why in fact yes.

GEORGE: What happened?

ELAINE: I got a message from this guy who says he went to high school with me, was in town, and asked if we could catch up. Looked him up, didn’t remember him from my high school but I threw caution to the wind, we met and…yada yada yada.

JERRY: [With a bewildered look on his face.] So a strange man messages you out of the blue, and you just decide to meet him?

ELAINE: Well I mean he was a very handsome man. Clean cut, well-groomed, looked like a professional with an actual life from his pictures and didn’t give off an “I’m going to kidnap you and hold you in the bottom of my pit” vibe. Plus, a girl’s gotta eat so what the hell?

JERRY: And if he wasn’t a handsome, clean-cut man?

ELAINE: Oh I’d have blocked him and filed a restraining order instantly.

JERRY: So what ended up happening?

ELAINE: Eh, it turns out he’s married with a family in Maryland so I only saw him that one night and then immediately blocked him. I’m no one’s side piece, I’m the main course.

GEORGE: Well, at least you got a free meal out of the whole thing.

ELAINE: [With an innocent smile.] Oh we didn’t eat any food together.

[George, Kramer, and Jerry all look at each other with brief puzzlement before their faces turn to shock.] .

Image via Youtube

32

Respond

Email this to a friend

Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Josh T.

Don't call me a liar, but you don't have to call me a truther.

• @joshetyler
• @joshetyler