Hypothetical Seinfeld: Pumpkin Spice Lattes

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[On the streets of New York, we see Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer wandering aimlessly. Kramer appears to be either lost or looking for something. Elaine looks pained, and Jerry looks bemused.]

ELAINE: Kramer, just accept that you have, once again, gotten lost in your attempt to show us the best whatever in New York City. It’s no big deal, we can just go to Monk’s.

KRAMER: No, no, no I know it was on 25th street, I’m just sure it is. Or maybe…maybe 27th street. Jerry, what’s the square root of 361?

[Jerry stares at him blankly for a moment.]

JERRY: What the hell does that have to do with anything?

KRAMER: I’m pretty sure the street we’re looking for is two up from the street that is the square root of 361.

[Jerry throws up his hands in exasperation before looking back to Elaine, who shakes her head as well. As they reach the corner, Kramer points to across the street.]

KRAMER: Ah, ah. There it is! [To emphasize the point, he does a little twirl and almost knocks over a man behind him. The three cross to a little shop named “Brew-tiful Day”.]

JERRY: So come on Cosmo, why are we walking all the way out here just to get the same cup of coffee we could get at Monk’s?

KRAMER: Because, my naive friend, it’s not the same cup. Not at all, no. We are here for the most satisfying and delectable of all caffeinated beverages: the pumpkin spice cafe latte. [As always, Kramer over-pronounces cafe latte, and punctuates the end of the sentence with a cluck of the tongue.]

ELAINE: Kramer, come on you have to give this up, it’s been three years. You will never convince us to try pumpkin spice coffee.

JERRY: It’s an abomination. Hipster crap that’s made to sell to people who don’t have the stomach for actual coffee. If you need some sweet, nutmeggy, fru-fru in order to get through your day, I say take electroshock therapy like a man!

KRAMER: Come on now, Jerry, don’t you see how your close-minded viewpoint is denying you one of life’s greatest pleasures. What if Adam had never given in to temptation and tasted the sweet fruit in that garden of Eden?

ELAINE: He would have gotten to spend the rest of his life in paradise instead of being cast out into a cruel world full of sin?

KRAMER: [He puts a finger to his lips.] No, no that doesn’t sound right.

JERRY: Well it has been a while since you read the Bible.

KRAMER: The Bible? No that happened to my friend Adam Moskowitz at an Olive Garden in Eden, New Jersey.

[Jerry and Elaine give each other a look.]

ELAINE: Whatever, you two go in. I’m gonna find a Starbucks or something.

KRAMER: No, no Elaine. Come on, I promise you’re gonna like the coffee. If you don’t, your cup’s on me. You too Jerry!

JERRY: Okay I’ll take a free cup of coffee, even if it is overly sweet to the point of tasting like a candy bar.

ELAINE: I don’t know–

JERRY: What’s the harm in trying?

[Elaine looks nervous, but Jerry and Kramer give her a pleading look. Eventually, she throws her head back and sighs.]

ELAINE: Alright.

KRAMER: Yeah!

[The trio enters the coffee shop. The inside is a classic hipster establishment, with long communal tables, an espresso machine, and a bunch of people on their laptops. The line is only two deep, so they all get on the line. Jerry looks up at the menu behind the counter.]

JERRY: So what do you recommend, Kramer, a “Pumpkin ‘Spook’ Latte” or a “Monster Mash Mocha”?

[This is clearly said with sarcasm, but Kramer answers as chipper as ever.]

KRAMER: Oh anything they have here is worth trying Jerry. And make sure to get a scone.

JERRY: [Scoffs.] Scones. Just a mutant hybrid between muffins and biscuits.

[From the front of the line, we hear a familiar voice say “pair of pumpkin scones please.” Jerry’s eyes narrow as the man turns around with a small bag of pastries and a large coffee cup.]

JERRY: Hello, Newman.

NEWMAN: Hello Jerry. Kramer. Elaine. So what are you doing in a place like this Seinfeld, I thought you hated places that sold over-sweetened hot chocolate with pumpkin pie filling dumped inside?

JERRY: What have you been watching my act?

NEWMAN: “Know yourself and know your enemy and you need not worry about the results of a thousand battles.” That’s from Sun Tzu, Jerry.

JERRY: Did he have any proverbs about personal hygiene, Newman because I’d love it if you spent a bit more time knowing that.

[Newman shakes his head.]

NEWMAN: I don’t have to take this taunting. I’ll see you tonight Kramer.

[Newman scurries away in his typical fashion.]

JERRY: What are you two doing tonight.

KRAMER: Oh it’s Minecraft night. You know we both play and stream Minecraft every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday nights.

JERRY: Cosmo Kramer, you are just the most fascinating man I’ve ever met.

[Kramer does his little shimmy and gives Jerry a thumbs up. As he does, the group advances to the front of the line.]

BARISTA: Hello, what can I whip up for you folks today?

KRAMER: Hey, man, I am going to have a pumpkin spice latte, extra foam, please.

[As he backs away from the counter, Jerry just stares at him in disbelief.]

JERRY: [With disgust.] Extra foam.

BARISTA: [To Jerry.] And for you sir?

JERRY: I guess I’ll have a pumpkin spice latte as well, but could you make sure to leave a little extra room for me to add some masculinity?

[The Barista takes the joke in stride, and looks past them as he speaks.]

BARISTA: And the usual for you, Elaine?

[Elaine, who has until now been attempting to hide behind her two friends, finally looks up.]

ELAINE: Uh, I’m not sure what you’re talking about guy. But I’ll have a…uh…pumpkin spice, foam, and an extra espresso shot.

BARISTA: So, the usual. By the way, how’s your dad doing?

ELAINE: [Looking down with shame.] He’s uh, back on his feet. Thanks for asking Chris.

[As the Barista puts in their order, Jerry stares daggers at Elaine. After a few moments, she relents in an explosion of pent-up aggravation.]

ELAINE: Alright, yes, yes I drink PSLs.

JERRY: You’re calling them “PSLs” now?

ELAINE: You’re goddamn right I am. And do you know why, Jerry? Because they are delicious. You may mock me, you may think less of me for eschewing coffee’s bitter taste in favor of a sweeter desire, but from the first time I drank this nectar of the gods, I knew nothing else could slake my thirst.

JERRY: But just the other day you were saying how the coffee at Monk’s–

ELAINE: Oh Monk’s. That piss water that I have been choking down in front of you and George for years on end, it has been painful the knowledge that I have to drink that sludge just to appease you two Neanderthals, you knuckle-dragging cavepeople, when there is bliss just two blocks down. I had been praying for so long that you two would eventually give in, that Kramer would wear you down, and you would finally succumb to the sirens song that is PSLs.

JERRY: Okay, well if you like them so much, why didn’t you just say so?

[Elaine steps in close to Jerry, putting her finger to his face.]

ELAINE: Because I was going to win, Jerry. I was not going to be the weak one to crumble inward, be the object of scorn and mockery at drinking this sweetness. No, I could not take that. I needed to outlast you two.

JERRY: Even as you were drinking pumpkin spice lattes behind our backs?

ELAINE: And I would have kept it a secret until my dying days if I could have Jerome. I was not about to give you two the satisfaction, knowing that you were stronger-willed than I. You, with your constant mocking, chest-puffing, and japes to mask your masculinity insecurities. And George, that spineless worm, who we all know has been drinking PSLs in secret just as I have but will be the most ruthless of them all with his mockings. I could not, I will not take that abuse from you two.

[Jerry and Kramer stare at Elaine after this diatribe. The silence is broken by the Barista calling their names, that their order is ready. Kramer grabs his but as he takes a sip some spills onto his shirt. He flops back at the burning liquid.]

JERRY: Didn’t put the lid on tight enough?

KRAMER: [Still yelping in pain.] No.

[Elaine grabs her cup with gusto, takes a swig, and lets out a loud exhale as she swallows. Jerry begins to grin.]

JERRY: You know, you could have just made up an excuse and not come in here, waited until we left, then circled back to get a cup.

[Elaine thinks about this for a second before her face contorts into anger. She storms out, muttering, and Kramer follows her. Jerry is about to follow them, but he goes back and grabs his coffee. Alone in the coffee shop, Jerry dutifully takes a sip from the cup.]

JERRY: That’s not half bad. .

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