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[We open in the living room of Frank and Estelle Costanza’s house. After a beat, Frank walks out of the kitchen, holding a TV Guide in his hands. He sits in his armchair, takes out his glasses, and begins to read the Guide. After a moment, he looks up towards the small, dark disc slightly large than a hockey puck sitting on his coffee table.]
FRANK: What time does the Met game start tonight?
[He stares at the Echo Dot, which makes no response.]
FRANK (louder): I SAID, WHAT TIME DOES THE MET GAME START?? Oh, what the hell is wrong with this stupid machine. [He looks towards the kitchen.] Estelle! This thing that George gave us isn’t working.
ESTELLE (from off camera): What?
FRANK (still shouting): The dot thing that George gave us won’t tell me what time the Met game starts tonight!
[Estelle Costanza enters from the kitchen.]
ESTELLE: Frank remember what George said. You have to use its name when you talk to it or else it won’t respond.
FRANK: It’s a machine woman! It doesn’t have a name, it doesn’t have a body, it doesn’t even have a soul!
ESTELLE (voice growing louder): If it doesn’t have a soul, why were you just yelling at it??
FRANK (louder still): Because I shouldn’t have to say the name of an inanimate object to find out when the damn baseball game starts!
ESTELLE: Calm down Frank, let me apply my woman’s touch to this situation. [She clears her throat before continuing in a soothing voice.] Hello Alexa, Frank would like to know what time does the Met game start?
[The Echo Dot lights up and then responds.]
ALEXA: The New York Mets are playing the Philadelphia Phillies tonight at 7 p.m.
ESTELLE: Thank you Alexa.
FRANK: Oh I see how this is. She ignores everything I say, but then you hear a female voice and all the sudden you’re gossiping like two jezebels in a beauty parlor!
ESTELLE: Maybe Alexa just doesn’t respond to being screamed at!
FRANK: I have to shout because half the time that damn robot doesn’t hear me!
ESTELLE: Believe me, it’s not an issue of her not being able to hear you.
FRANK: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
ESTELLE [Throwing her hands up]: Forget it. All that blood pressure medication isn’t going to do you any good if you keep screaming like this.
[Estelle looks at the wall clock before continuing.]
ESTELLE: Oh dear it’s almost 5. Why don’t we ask if Alexa knows any good restaurants nearby?
FRANK: What the hell are you talking about? We’ll go to Tonys just like we do every Saturday night!
ESTELLE: Well excuse me! Maybe I don’t want to have undercooked linguini tonight!
FRANK: It’s not undercooked, it’s aldente!
ESTELLE: Your brain is aldente!
FRANK: That makes no sense! Just like your hatred for Tonys! We’ve been going there thirty-four years, get two dinners for exactly $20! You’re never gonna get a better deal than that!
ESTELLE: Why don’t we ask Alexa?
FRANK: Get the hell out of here! You think a machine can tell us what the best dinner spot in Queens is? I’ve lived on this block for over fifty years! I know what good food is nearby!
ESTELLE: Well given your infatuation with Tonys, a place that once gave me food poisoning for three days straight, I think I’ll get a second opinion.
FRANK: Oh my God with this again. It was during the E. Coli contamination! Every shipment of chicken within forty miles was causing food poisoning! How the hell was Tony supposed to know better??
ESTELLE: Maybe if he didn’t buy his meat from a Third World country, he wouldn’t have such sub-par chicken!
FRANK: For the last time, Laos is not a Third World country!
ESTELLE: Alexa, is Laos a Third World country?
ALEXA: Here’s something I found on Wikipedia: “Third World” was a term that arose during the Cold War to indicate any country that was not aligned with NATO or the Soviet Bloc. Did that answer your question?
FRANK: No, of course it didn’t you stupid robot!
ESTELLE: She’s not stupid just because she can’t answer the question. Besides, Laos was a part of the Soviet Bloc, so it would technically be a Third World country. Or have you just forgotten everything before lunch today?
FRANK (muttering): I wish I could forget that lunch.
ESTELLE: What did you say??
FRANK: That tuna salad sandwich was an abomination! Who puts olives in a tuna salad?
ESTELLE: Alexa, do you put olives in a tuna salad?
FRANK: What do you think Rachel Ray is in–
ALEXA (cutting off Frank): For tuna salad, I recommend one of the following recipes–
FRANK: Alexa be quiet!
[There is a pause as Alexa receives the request and powers down.]
ESTELLE: I’m sorry Frank. It’s the low blood sugar, without something to eat I get a bit cranky.
FRANK: Alright, well we still have to figure out where we’re going to eat.
ESTELLE: Not Tonys!
FRANK: I swear to God if Antonio Delvecchio was still alive to hear these words he would–
ESTELLE: What? Force me to eat his over-seasoned pasta primavera?
FRANK: Serenity now!
ESTELLE: You know what, since you have been so disrespectful to her, I think Alexa should choose where we eat tonight.
FRANK: How the hell is a machine going to decide where we eat?
ESTELLE: Alexa, what is a good restaurant nearby?
ALEXA: Here are some highly rated restaurants nearby. Zaxby’s, O’Brien’s Bar and Grille, and Tonys Authentic Italiano.
FRANK: You see, “highly rated!” That decides it.
ESTELLE (sulking): Fine, fine. We’ll go to Tonys. Thanks for nothing Alexa. I wish robots would have to deal with heartburn from Tonys marinara sauce.
[Estelle leaves the room, leaving Frank alone. He puts on his reading glasses and picks up the TV Guide again. After reading for a moment he looks up.]
FRANK: Alexa can you order some Tums and Pepto-Bismol for delivery tonight.
ALEXA: Okay, I’ve ordered you one bottle of Tums, Ultrastrength Antacid, and Pepto-Bismol. Scheduled delivery is for 9 p.m. this evening. .
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@joshetyler
@joshetyler
These make me feel whole
Can imagine a story line where George becomes successful at wherever he works now because of Alexa, then he George’s it up as hilarity ensues. Meanwhile, Jerry is dating a woman named Alexa and it becomes a “her or me” type situation. Finally, Elaine has to teach her old boss how to use Alexa to disastrous results. And Kramer, well, he’s just being Kramer.
Still waiting on the iToilet app authored by George
Serenity now, insanity later
TIL to criteria to be considered a third world country
I’d totally watch this because it’s so relatable.