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No matter what part of the country you’re from, your experience at the world’s premiere breastaurant will probably involve some of the following:
1) The Improper Friend Who Makes It Weird
Not sure what this guy’s deal is. He probably doesn’t get out too often because he’s married, really busy with work, or both. Either way, he’s going to do his best to uncomfortably flirt with the waitress. He may not take it as far as ordering milk (classic move), or a “chicken breast, hold the chicken,” but this guy will do something weird. He’ll take this as an opportunity to throw desperation hail mary passes at an unsuspecting 19 year-old that’s just trying to earn a somewhat honest living.
2) That Dude Who Wants Everyone To Know That He Knows The Waitresses
Alright, guy. I go to Hooters a few times a year to watch a game and eat some wings. Yeah, there’s some good looking waitresses here, but being an everyday regular at Hooters is both depressing and weird. We see you there at your own little table making sure everyone knows you know the girls well enough to get an occasional side hug. This is the guy that gets jealous when he sees your improper friend telling horrible jokes to his favorite waitress. The fuck? By the way, that decent looking blonde that felt bad and sat down at your table isn’t going to meet up with you when her shift ends. You could learn something from Too Short.
3) The Friend That Stares Down The Girls And Should Probably Be On A Watch List
There’s no shame in looking. That’s the point. No need to be embarrassed, but this guy just makes everyone uncomfortable. He’ll probably make some comment about the hostess, and you’ll have to point out that she’s likely still in high school. (There’s a reason she’s not waiting tables) The real problem with this guy is that your entire group will be labeled as “that table”. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe you’re like most and only do this after a round of golf or to watch a ball game. Either way, they’ll remember you. You never lose the creep stigma.
4) The “How’d You Get Hired?” Waitress
Look, you’re probably no Burt Reynolds. With that being said, you don’t make your living in a field that requires you to showcase rugged good looks. If you’re unlucky enough to be seated in her section, you’ll probably have really awkward chemistry because you know that she knows exactly what you’re thinking. As soon as she approached the table you had failed smile all over your face. Somebody will probably make an awkward joke just to break the nonsexual tension, but she can sense your disappointment.
A few unspoken Hooters rules:
-It’s never acceptable to be there alone. Even if you’re meeting friends, you need to wait in the car if you get there early.
-Don’t order the buffalo chicken sandwich for lunch. Seriously, don’t do it if you plan on doing anything remotely productive the rest of the afternoon.
-Don’t get too personal. When you start inquiring into her life story, you’re bound to get way more info than you bargained for.
-Don’t leave your number on a napkin. However, you can leave your buddy’s number on a napkin under the humor exception to the rule.
-Be prepared to awkwardly decline an offer to purchase a calendar.
-Don’t be the guy taking pictures of the waitresses. That’s weird, man.
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Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
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