How To Tell If You’ve Become An Emotionally Incompetent Person

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By all conventional means, I’m an “adult.” I have a job. I pay my bills (relatively) on time. I buy groceries. But emotionally, I might be a little questionable. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about a lot of things, which in turn leads me to just not caring about anything.

1. You refer to “the feels” like it’s some kind of plague-like disease. You’re not sure what you’d root for in a battle royale between feelings and herpes, honestly. Which is more debilitating?
2. When was the last time you cried? Like, physically produced tears from your eyes? Go ahead and think about it. I’ll wait.
3. You can’t grasp the concept of “forever” and why people want to be with someone else that long when you could just be with anyone for the next couple of hours. “ ‘Til death do you part” haunts your dreams because that’s…forever.
4. You couldn’t care less (and actually prefer it) if a guy doesn’t text you the next morning. Like, why are you trying to wake me from a perfectly nice slumber with some cute, little text message, you inconsiderate asshole?
5. The only boyfriend you care about is the one you keep in your nightstand.
6. Grand gestures weird you out and you don’t know how to react to them. You want to marry me? *awkward laughs, interpretive dances away from situation*
7. Being near people in new relationships causes you to break out into hives and go into anaphylactic shock. Can’t. Breathe. The new. It’s so. SUFFOCATING.
8. You’ve expressed more emotion toward a pint of Ben & Jerry’s more recently than you have to a living being. I LOVE YOU, AMERICONE DREAM!
9. You’ve secretly wished breakups were a “fight to the death” scenario, in which only one walks away victorious and with the ability to bitch about the relationship. I don’t have enough cares for both of you.
10. You don’t go on dates for the food. You go on dates for the booze and to see what happens.
11. You’re supposed to go on dates for the company and the relationships? Oh.
12. You could be in a relationship. Or you could have the entire bed to yourself and make sheet angels. Sheet angels trump everything, unless you want to make them with me and then promptly leave. Please.
13. Relationships mean having to share the pizza. So, no.
14. Any gesture that could fall under the category of “flirting” goes over your head because you automatically friend zone everyone by default.
15. You’ve found lust in a hopeless place.
16. You’ve asked your best friend on more than one occasion why she doesn’t have a peen. Lying on the couch binging on Netflix with pizza sans pants could be the perfect relationship if she just had a peen, right? #ThisCouldBeUsBut you have the wrong parts.
17. You probably have chronic bitch face, which is cool because you’re not really sure what emotion looks like or how to evoke it.
18. You were “side hugging” guys who crushed on you before the Duggars made it a thing.
19. Being the third (fifth/seventh/etc.) wheel is a way of life for you. It doesn’t upset you because you usually become the most drunk of the group since you don’t have to share.
20. Some people have a Plan B person to marry if they’re both single at 30. You have a Plan B person who will be your exclusive fuck buddy if you’re both single at 30.

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lnsayers

My state gave you J. Law, Clooney, two-fifths of the Backstreet Boys, and multiple fifths of bourbon. I gave you a cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics. Psuedo-adult by day; PGP, TFM, and TSM contributor by night. Please don't ask me to do math.

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