How To Tell If One Of Your Friends Is Turning Into A Beer Snob

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I’ve been in a pretty serious relationship since I was about 15 years old. Not with a woman, however. No, I’ve been in love with God’s greatest gift to man: beer. To be honest, I’ve drunk a lot of beer. I’ve drunk a lot of different beer. In high school, I drank whatever I could get my hands on due to the Draconian drinking laws that exist in our great country. In college, I drank as much of everything I could. However, I also was introduced to craft beer–and I’ve never been the same since.

Craft beers are simply amazing. There’s so much variety out there. The sheer number of types of beer pretty much means there’s something for everyone. There are some weird beers out there: some that honestly don’t taste that great, and some absolutely phenomenal ones that I’d drink all day if I could. In short, craft beers are the shit. I love craft beer. Who doesn’t? Some people are craft beer snobs. Maybe someone you know is one. Here’s how to tell.

1. Overly Technical Discussions Of Beer

So, you love beer. Do you know how it’s made? Kind of, but not in great detail. If your friend is a craft beer snob, he or she will know everything there is to know about how multiple different styles of beer are made. The way he or she talks, you’d think he or she has a master’s degree in zymurgy. This person knows all the ingredients, the processes that go into making the beer, and the best way to drink it. And of course, this person never shuts up about it.

2. He or She Will Turn Down “Macrobrews”

Offer your friend a Budweiser at the bar. If he or she turns down a free drink because it’s not a craft beer, this person is a snob. He or she is also a raging asshole, but that’s between you and your friend. If your friend says something like, “No, thanks. I don’t drink that stuff,” when you go to hand him or her a domestic light lager, you’ve got a beer snob on your hands. It’s that simple.

3. This Person Considers Big Brewers To Be Evil

If your friend talks about Anheuser-Busch the way your grandpa talks about the Nazis, your friend is a craft beer snob. “These producers of bottled piss are taking over all the small breweries. It’s so fucked up.” Yeah, I mean, that sucks and all, but it’s capitalism. Come on.

4. They’re Like A Hipster With Beer

Yuengling? Sam Adams? Shiner Bock? No, thanks. Those are way too mainstream for the craft beer snob. You’re likely to hear something along the lines of, “Oh, this is a Peterson’s Piedmont Pale Ale. It’s a really small micro out of Scottsville, Virginia. You’ve probably never heard of it.” If you know someone who’s a craft beer snob, reading that may have made you want to punch someone in the face.

5. They Won’t Go To Your Favorite Bar Anymore

You know that bar downtown you used to go to all the time? You’ve got more memories there than you do at your own home. When your friend becomes a craft beer snob, he or she will become too good for the place. Your friend will say, “Yeah, I mean, it’s an okay bar, but they only have four beers on tap.” Turning down the the ol’ watering hole because they don’t have a billion beers nobody’s ever heard of? That’s downright wrong.

I guarantee you know somebody like this. I also guarantee this person’s done some of these things. How do I know? Well, as much as I hate to admit it, I think I’m somewhat of a craft beer snob myself (though I’d never turn down any beer, simply out of principle). Do yourself a favor, guys. Have a beer tonight. You deserve it. Just not one of those watered down skunk piss excuses of a beer.

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John Blutarsky

John Blutarsky is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Post Grad Problems, and on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, tries to figure out how helicopters work, and actually has a real job.

• @BlutoGrandex