How To Stop Being A Bitch

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Bitchiness happens to all of us. Sometimes you are too tired or too hungry to be emotionally appropriate. Sometimes you are stressed and upset and you don’t think before you speak. You say something hurtful or you overreact to something that would not ordinarily be upsetting. Episodes like those are primarily situational and they don’t permeate every aspect of your life and relationships. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m instead talking about people who are just mean. Chances are, you know one or two, or maybe you are one. People who take joy from other people’s unhappiness. The next time you think about being a mean girl (or guy) take a minute and ask yourself if you are guilty of doing any of the following:

Don’t Kill The Vibe

One of the great perks of adulthood is that you are in control of your life. If you don’t want to attend an event or a party, then you don’t have to go. It is that simple. I know there are a few exceptions, such as the dry baby shower for your second cousin once removed who lives 40 minutes away or the corporate bowling day. Tough shit. You have to go to those. For all the other events, just pick the ones that you will enjoy and stay at home for the rest. There is no greater drag than getting stuck at a party talking to someone who clearly does not want to be there. Or even worse, the person who verbalizes to anyone who will listen just how much he or she doesn’t want to be there. Woof and double woof. Go home, you’re killing the vibe. Your shadow sulking is making you completely unapproachable, and verbalizing how unhappy you are is insulting to the host.

Don’t Ruin Your Friend’s Happiness

You know that friend who you can’t share any of your happy news with because she will find a way to undercut it? That friend is the worst. This is the girl who tells her recently engaged friend about divorce statistics. This is the person who copes with her recent unemployment by criticizing the value of her friend’s careers. It’s called life, homegirl. Everyone is working through it at different stages. Your best friend who got engaged did not move forward in her relationship in an attempt to make you feel insecure about your relationship. Your old roommate who got a promotion didn’t get it because she wanted to remind you of your unemployment. Your day when all the pieces come together will happen eventually. If the pieces have already come together for a friend, then just congratulate him or her and hold back your bitter and jealous comments. When your day comes, all the friends you supported will be there for you, like you were for them.

Don’t Subtweet

No. Just no. Absolutely not. You know which demographic of people subtweet the most? It’s high school kids and college freshman who post lyrics from One Direction songs. You are a grown ass adult. Handle your problems like one. I should hope that your emotional problem solving skills have matured from those of a high school student. Next time you think about spewing your bitter hate on social media, take a minute and just don’t. Subtweeting will get you nothing but pity notices from your followers who are all cringing at your immaturity. Welcome to the Sloane Peterson School of Hard Knocks, where we are all tired of reading your stealth attempts at revenge. In all likelihood, the person your subtweet was directed at found it hilarious and took a screenshot to share with all of her friends and laugh at you.

Don’t Beg For Attention

At a wedding I recently attended, the maid of honor went to give her speech. Instead of a few stories about times past, she said, “I don’t have a gift for you, but just know that you will be my maid of honor because I’m engaged!” She actually broke the news of her engagement at her best friend’s wedding. It was undeniably tacky. Instead of guests spending the remainder of the reception congratulating the bride and groom, they were all gathered around the newly engaged couple. It was cringeworthy for all in attendance. From the second she shared her news, the majority of us were calculating just how fast we could be reunited with our flasks in the bathroom. Begging for attention or finding ways to constantly bring up your triumphs is uncomfortable and off-putting. If likes on social media and streams of compliments from your acquaintances are the only ways you feel validated, then it is time to reevaluate. Fishing around for compliments makes you seem like the boy who cried wolf–after enough times, your friends will stop replying.

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Brown rice. Black beans. Barbacoa. Both Salsas. Corn. Cheese. Guac. Lettuce.

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