How To Realistically Make America Great Again

How To Realistically Make America Great Again

By all measures, Donald Trump is leading all candidates in the Republican Party primary to win the nomination. Many are saying it’s a bit ridiculous, while others comment that it’s an indictment of how sick and tired the American people are with the current group of snakes we have serving in office. Politically, I think he’s a moron, and I’m personally pulling for Scotty Walker to win the primary. (Full disclosure: I was once removed from the Wisconsin state capitol after 10,000 union sympathizers chanted “Asshole” in unison for me holding a ‘Students for Walker’ sign in college.) However, he brings up a great point that America has gotten kind of shitty lately. The following are my own winning ideas on how to improve the country and make America great once again.

End Terrible Driving

I’m on the road anywhere from 30-40,000 miles a year, so every single day, I see get to see the inefficiencies of traversing America’s streets and highways. First, talking on a handset needs to absolutely be banned. It’s 2015, if you’re a peasant and drive a car without in-car audio, get a Bluetooth or at least use your iPhone headphones. Every soccer mom in a Yukon Denali that cuts another car off because they’re bitching about their husband to the wife next door gets deported. No trial, no appeals. Any dude frantically trying to close a deal that weaves into the next lane is gone too.

Second, if you get busted driving slower than the flow of traffic in the left lane, you’re on the next rendition flight with those soccer moms and sales douchers. Indiana recently passed a law to combat this practice, and god damn, I wish I spent more time in Indiana other than trips up to Chicago. If you’re a truck driver holding up 15 cars trying to get around you? Automatic flogging, on site. Think of how much more efficiently we could travel by setting the cruise at 80 in the left lane without the threat of morons not checking their mirrors while on the phone.

Ban Android Phones

There’s no worse feeling in the world than getting a babe’s number at the bar and watching my message turn green instead of the usual blue. It’s how I imagine a chick that missed her period feels after pissing on the stick and seeing the EPT say she’s pregnant. Out the window are great tools like iMessage threads. I can’t play games with her by hitting her with the read receipt and taking forever to respond. The sharp, high quality camera of an iPhone 6+? Not happenin’. Worst of all, it tells me that an otherwise probably cute and cool chick is too stupid to realize the world is run by Apple. A quick Google search tells me there are around 48 million Android users in the United States. Imagine the economies of scale that would open up with that many more iPhone users. It might be enough to drive the price of a new iPhone down to the point I won’t cry every time I destroy my phone and have to buy a new phone because my phone insurance dropped me months ago. This is something a majority of hard drinking Americans can get behind because I can’t be the only one.

Mandatory Work From Home

First off- I’m not calling for everyone to be able to work from home every single day. For some jobs, it’s absolutely necessary to be in the office most days of the week. Shit, for some people, they need to be in the office or else those four hours of actual work they do now would dwindle into answering e-mails for 20 minutes a day, ripping the bong and playing FIFA all day. But for the regular corporate stiffs, I propose the Friday of every week be made mandatory work from home.

Now, I work from home every day, and I’ll admit, it gets old to the point where I honestly never spend a full day in my office because it gets boring and I need some face to face interaction other than the cashier at my neighborhood Chipotle. But who likes coming into the office day after day with no respite? Nobody likes making small talk with Becky from HR or that asshole Todd on your team that constantly finishes his part of the project an hour before you have to put the deck together. Everyone needs a work from home day regularly to crack a beer at noon (which obviously gets turned into a Snapchat story) and end up at the bar at 4 p.m. instead of 6 p.m. Corporate morale would shoot through the roof, and with it obviously, productivity, because instead of sitting on Twitter and PGP, cube monkeys would be getting their shit done early so they can hit Happy Hour wearing shorts and a tee instead of slacks and a golf shirt.

All of these ideas would result in immediate productivity throughout the country, and with it, I’m sure the nation would prosper to levels not seen since the Dot Com Boom. Donald Trump, however laughable he may be, is definitely onto something. Let’s make America great again.

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I had a dad bod before it was cool.

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