How To Properly Crash A Wedding

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This past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending a wedding that I was not invited to. I had never met the bride or groom, and I only knew a couple people who were actually invited. I was in town visiting some old college friends and the particular friend I was staying with had mentioned to me earlier in the week that he had a wedding to go to on Saturday night. I didn’t even think twice about telling him that I was going to crash this wedding, weather he liked it or not. The bride, after several drinks and a couple questions for me, happily determined that I was her “wedding crasher” and was thrilled with the idea that someone would want to crash her wedding. Sure, I knew a few people there, but if you’re telling me you are going to go to a completely random wedding where you don’t know a single person, I’m going to have to call bullshit. That might seem like a good idea after watching a certain movie, but I find it hard to believe it’s a feasible concept in real life.

Show Up With A Heavy Buzz

I know, I know, this is a good idea for any wedding, but it is a particularly good idea for a wedding that you were not specifically invited to for a couple reasons. First of all, it will completely rid you of any nerves you might have showing up somewhere you don’t belong. Second, it will assure that you don’t spend all your time standing at the bar drinking alcohol paid for by some girl’s rich father who you will never take the time to thank. It’s all about being respectful to a certain degree when it comes to crashing a beautiful day of holy matrimony.

Blend In

This may sound obvious, but it’s the key to executing a good crash. Try to find out as many details about the wedding beforehand. Like I said, you will likely know at least one person who is attending who can help you out with this. Do the families like getting piss-pants drunk or are they more casual drinkers? Is there going to be a live band or a DJ? Are you going to need to know how to square dance or polka? These are all questions that need answered if you want to make sure to blend in.

Don’t Overdo It

This goes right along with blending in. Nobody likes a fucking showoff. If you know it’s not going to be a huge wedding, then keep your flashiest suit in the closet for another day. Don’t be the first person to get a round of shots for the newlyweds, and definitely don’t try to slide into any pictures that are being taken. You really don’t want to leave any concrete evidence that you were ever there.

Lie (For Obvious Reasons)

When people start asking who you are and how you know the bride and groom (which they will) just feed them a line of bullshit that you think they might actually believe. The grandmother of the bride doesn’t need to know you wanted a place to drink free booze and find a good looking girl for the night. Go with something like, “Oh yeah, Tommy and I go way back. We were neighbors in the dorm freshman year at State. We had so many crazy times back in those good old days.” There is no need to come up with an elaborate plan to own an emerging maple syrup conglomerate à la “Wedding Crashers.” Short and vague is the way to go here.

Have A Pack Of Cigarettes Handy

Nobody second guesses somebody he or she can bum a cig from–it’s simple science. Things can get pretty heated out there on the dance floor of a crowded banquet hall, and everyone will frequently step outside to chief down a quick heater and get a little air. This is where you can make your move to ensure that you are properly blending in. As soon as you see a group of people heading for the door, get outside and whip out that pack of 100s. Offer them up like Tic Tacs and you’re guaranteed to not only blend in, but make a better impression than some of the guests who were actually invited to the wedding.

Take these tips to heart and you’ll have the confidence to crash weddings for years to come.

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Getting there in two, doubling down, and drinking it straight. Scared money don't make money. I grow a beard, play golf and drink Miller Lite better than most guys I know. It may not be much, but it's gotta count for something, right?

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