How To Ensure You’re Single This Cuffing Season

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With cuffing season right around the corner, it seems like everyone wants to lose their single status faster than you can say pumpkin spice latte. As visions of Instagrammable day dates and cozy nights cuddled up by the fire fill your head, the perks of finding a warm body for the upcoming fall and winter months sounds quite appealing to many.

But what if you’re on the opposite end of things? You’ve been in a relationship for more than a hot minute and that chill in the air has you ready to jump back into singledom like a welcoming pile of freshly raked leaves. Never mind the fact that you would have someone to drag to holiday events and get fat with, you want to spread those wings and fly!

So how do you ensure that your significant other will get the message that you want your freedom back while forcing them to do the deed of ending the relationship? The goal is to make them look like the bad guy while you get the empathy and pity since you were the one who just got dumped, after all.

Well look no further! Simply follow the tried and true tips below and you too can guarantee yourself a no-strings attached cuffing season!

Force them into a terrible couples costume for Halloween.

Starting things off with something that should be obvious, but this is a solid test to see how much of your shit they’ll put up with. Make sure to pick a costume where you look great and they look ridiculous because don’t forget that you want to be the more attractive one. Are they starting to throw a fit about your ideas? Un-invite them to the party bus, tell them they clearly don’t care about your happiness, and that you are dressing up with your BFF instead. Once the night arrives, proceed to only take pictures with the hottest guy/girl in the room while you ignore your significant other’s texts.

Talk about how much your work crush flirts with you as much as possible.

This one accomplishes two things. First, it lets them know that you are still quite desirable to others, and second that you don’t give a fuck if they know you are openly flirting with other people. (Because their feelings are disposable and you don’t need them around.) For maximum effect, try to make this a daily thing. Texting updates as well as in person reminders will help drive the point home. Will this get annoying? Yes, duh.

Only compliment or praise them when you’re drunk.

Drunk you might have plenty of great things to say about your hopefully short lived bae, but sober you doesn’t have time for that trash. If you want to explore other beds this winter, keep those less than desirable feelings locked up and make sure your sarcastic asshole self shines through more often than not. And when they decide to address this issue, enforce the fact that you hate how nice drunk you is and threaten to stop drinking completely. Who wouldn’t break up with someone who plans on turning wine night into dry night?

Use their credit card to make a large purchase that doesn’t benefit them.

Concert tickets to a show months from now to an artist they could care less about? A plane ticket to visit your college buddy over Thanksgiving that she’s never even met? The more selfish the better. Be sure to ask them first if you can use the card by tossing out an excuse about why you can’t use yours/why you don’t have the money. Of course you could steal the card, but then you lose all sympathy when you get dumped for being a thieving psycho. Get the okay, make that purchase, and promise to pay them back as soon as possible meaning probably never. Bonus points if you make an unnecessary purchase that costs equal to or more than the one you used them for shortly thereafter.

Keep in mind, ladies and gentlemen, that these suggestions are just the tip of the iceberg. Feel free to come up with your own additional ideas.

Fill their DVR with only your shows. Constantly make fun of the things they’re passionate about both in person and on social media. Attend events you know they would love without telling them about them let alone inviting them. Restrict the sex sporadically without any explanation. The possibilities are endless!

And with a little imagination and creativity, you too can quickly be on your way to a relationship-less cuffing season filled with awkward first dates, one night stands, and hookup horror stories guaranteed to entertain your friends and family all the way into 2018!.

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Whatever Lola Wants

Outward appearance of being a hot mess with just enough Type A personality to not be a complete disappointment to my parents. Almost as good at avoiding commitment as I am at holding my liquor.

• @LauraMeinert