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If you have read anything I’ve written it should come as no surprise to you that I’m an introvert. After all, I proudly proclaim that my life’s motto is “I hate being around people, going places, or doing things.” Given the choice between going out to an event with people I love and care about or being at home alone, I’m gonna choose alone 9 out of 10 times. That’s not because I don’t like or appreciate my family and friends; it’s just not what nourishes my soul.
Recently, a very extroverted co-worker of mine set up an office trivia night. When I initially, politely, declined, she took the next opportunity to do what almost all extroverts do in a similar situation. Whether consciously or unknowingly, out of malice or thoughtfulness, she said that one extra, little morsel of coaxing to see if she could get me to join.
Any introvert has heard the words “are you sure? It’s going to be lots of fun” or “we were all hoping to see you” after gingerly turning down a plan. The kind tone doesn’t conceal the subtext of their questioning why I wouldn’t want to socialize with people I (presumably) consider acquaintances if not friends. It’s the one form of peer pressure that society generally deems acceptable. After all, they’re just trying to get me to come out of my shell and be social. What’s the harm in that?
A lot.
You see, a lot of people confuse being “introverted” with being “shy.” That is not at all the case. Sure, I’m not a big fan of public speaking, but I’m more than willing to speak my mind when I’m one-on-one. But add more people, and my voice starts to fade. It’s not out of nerves, but more due to sensory overload. Being around large groups of people saps the energy from my body worse than studying for the LSATs did. Any introvert knows how their mind starts to fade after that first hour and a half out at a bar or party, as the yawns and grogginess overtake their body despite Pitbull blaring in the background.
As my girlfriend will often lovingly ask, “I don’t get why you’re tired, we aren’t doing anything.” But being out of my comfort zone, around other people, that is doing something. And the more people you add to the equation the faster energy seeps out of me.
I know she’s not alone in finding it off-putting and odd to ignore those you care about most in favor of solitude. That’s why introverts tend to get pushed around a lot since we’ve been conditioned to feel that not being gregarious is abnormal. Think about how often you were encouraged to interact with other kids when you were young. Parents are always setting up playdates, putting us in after-school activities. Teachers are assigning group projects like they’re going out of style, and once you hit the job market everyone and their mother loves to shove some “team building” crap down your throat. So when I feel tired and just want some me time, there’s always that tinge of pressure when I try to turn down an innocuous social engagement.
But recently, I have turned around and become the full “no man” on steroids. I embraced my introvertedness, and went full on asshole about it.
After years of being made to feel guilty about my internal need for peace and quiet, constantly rubbing up against expectations that spending time with others is an exciting experience rather than an exhausting one, I stopped caring. In the past I would meekly consent, bending to the societal expectations while slowly dying inside. No more. If someone tries to coerce me to go to some event that I’m not into, I’ll politely decline the first time. The second, I go full-on jerk.
I’m telling people, under no uncertain terms, if you push me to go hang out with you that I’m just going to say I don’t want to go. I don’t like you enough to spend time with you, or I like you but I’d rather spend time alone. You might wonder, “why not just go for a little bit, to show that you’re a team player? It’s not that big of a deal?” Except it is.
Because, as introverts know, if you go and plan to stay for a half hour or hour, you never leave in that time. Extroverts have great skill at pressuring you to stay at an event you are trying to dip out of. And while you did your best to be bubbly and congenial for that first little bit, as the night wears on you can feel the annoyance growing inside you. Knowing that you can only look like you’re not completely miserable for another few minutes, you begin conjuring up your excuses to leave. Maybe, if there are enough people, you can Irish goodbye the situation and slip out unnoticed. But most of the time, you’re going to be trapped in this hellscape as one after another your compatriots implore you to stay for “one more drink.”
And if I try to skip altogether, I’ll get those texts from co-workers, saying how fun trivia is. Or, if I skip, all the comments the next day about how they missed me, like my Catholic mother doing her best to slather me with guilt. Then, next time they invite me to something else I don’t care to do, they’ll use that guilt against me. But they can’t do that if I stop that shit right from the get-go with a simple: “I don’t want to go.”
That’s why I laid down the law so firmly, and that’s why I implore my fellow introverts to follow my lead and just be an asshole. Whenever others are persistent, insistent, and underhanded, in trying to get you to go to a non-mandatory event you’ve already expressed no desire to attend, just say what I know you are thinking but are too polite to say: “I only have a finite amount of energy that I can spend socializing, and I cannot spare any of that for your bullshit happy hour.”
Stop accepting their invites. Just tell them you’re busy, and if they prod further to ask what has you so busy, just say “stuff.” They might complain that you never go out with them, but just shrug and say “why is that a big deal?” Eventually, they’ll get the hint that you’re not really friends; you’re co-workers. And there’s no point in explaining that you do enjoy seeing them all day, but don’t feel like spending an extra goddamn minute with them after you leave the office.
Stop apologizing to your friends or significant other when you turn down Friday night plans. Make time for them, of course, but do so when you’re going to be able to devote a good amount of attention and energy. The one thing that introverts do care about when it comes to socializing is to make sure it is good quality time. I know my girlfriend is upset sometimes that we don’t spend the majority of our free time with each other, but I’d rather disappoint her and be alone than spend time with her when I’m tired and grumpy. Let me recharge, see you the next day, and I’ll make sure it’s fun for both of us.
Hold the line, stay firm, and just say “nope,” to plans you are already dreading going to. And don’t bother explaining that the reason you can’t hang out this weekend is that you saw them three nights during the week and you really need two days of not ever leaving your house. They won’t get it, but just thinking about it is bliss. .
Respond
@joshetyler
@joshetyler
“If you go and plan to stay for a half hour or hour, you never leave in that time”
This is straight up infuriating. Don’t invite me if you aren’t actually willing to leave at the time we agreed upon. Also don’t get mad at me when I get grumpy after I have to stay for an additional 2 hours.
Unfortunately at my company getting drunk with the boss is a requirement for moving up the ladder
That sounds like the dream to me. As long as he’s paying.
Name checks out.
Oh he’ll pay…as long as it’s a $4 domestic
If you and your girlfriend get more serious and move in together, you’re going to have to find some middle ground to compromise. She’s going to have to not get upset at you needing alone time, while you’re going to have to force yourself to be social sometimes. It’s a very delicate territory that can be hard to navigate. It’s also a factor to determine how good of a relationship you have.
My girlfriend is the only person in the world that I don’t get tired being around. If I needed time from her like I need time from everyone else, I would think twice about the relationship.
Good points. Luckily I really don’t get drained spending time with her the way I do with other people. She brings my energy up, and I tamper her levels a bit. That’s why we work so well.
Living with a fellow introvert is excellent. Neither of us like other people.
I found the juxtaposition of rereading the title after the article really funny.
Title: “How to be a Confident Introvert”
Solution: “Be an Asshole”
As an outgoing introvert, the rules I’ve created are:
1 weekend a month, I’m not leaving the house, and I reserve the right to do this at any time with 24 hours notice.
1 weekend a month, I will go out and do all the social things, so this is my girlfriend’s chance to plan stuff.
Remaining weekends, we will play it by ear and I will likely do dinner or board games or something, after which I will go home and avoid the next 4 events of the evening.
I like this balance. These are now my rules too.
These are also now my rules
I’m always torn between not actually wanting to go, and still wanting the feeling of inclusion that goes along with being invited in the first place. Unfortunately if you say no too many times, they’ll stop asking. Which is sad and kinda lonely on those rare occasions where you actually kinda want human interaction.
I’m an introvert that is very good in social situations so people never understand why I avoid them. I should show them this article. In many social situations I’m constantly inventing backstories and scenarios in my head for people at the bar/party to cope. Yes I’m weird
This is so unbelievably relatable. The mental recharge, needed to spend a lot of time out, and the mental drain that comes with doing so, is something that my extroverted friends won’t ever understand and it frustrates me to no end
Just a question on how many close friends you have? If someone constantly told me over and over that we’re friends but they want to be by themselves or don’t want to hang out with us, I’m not considering you a good friend. Is it just the social aspects? Are you good with your friends coming over your place or going to their place and hanging out? Generally curious because, yeah, I might not be feeling a night out after doing that for 2 months straight, so a chill night in is relaxing but I couldn’t imagine constantly telling people no I don’t want to hang out with you.
“We’re friends, I just don’t want to see you, speak to you, or spend any time with you.”
“…I guess that makes sense?…”
Can’t speak for the OP but after a few months of doing this I pretty much had 0 *close* friends
I’m an extrovert and I give this article two thumbs up because it’s annoying when people flake out last minute, make excuses and give wishy-washy responses when they could have just said “no” in the first place.
Somehow I got put in charge of scheduling the office happy hours and I am so jealous of the people who decline. Thanks for the inspiration, I’m going to pass the torch to the new person in the office.