How To Avoid ‘Slut Magic’ At Closing Time

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

The enormity and gravity of slut magic cannot be captured through words. Its definition or explanation will never do it justice, as it is contained in the entity of a being. To put it bluntly, slut magic is the way the perpetrator carries him or herself. It’s that mysterious quality that allows you to sleep with someone, although you can’t explain why.

Such examples include: “Why am I still talking to you when you compared “Entourage” to Beethoven’s third symphony?” “Why is he wearing aviators indoors, how the hell can he even see?” And of course, “how can he get away with flip flops in a corporate office and then get promoted?”

You’ll continue to shake your head at the aforementioned offenses and other audacious displays of idiocy until you end up sleeping with him. Then you will realize, often as a repeat offender, that you are nothing more than a victim of slut magic’s vast and inexplicable power.

One might argue that slut magic is more of a blessing than a curse. It is a rare gift to possess–the ability to tap into a force that controls not only the drunk and low-esteemed, but skeptics and realists. However, at what point can this addictive air of confidence be considered a form of social terrorism?

So far in my research, I have found that slut magic exists in many forms. For example, a colleague believes slut magic resides in the bodies of younger men, and I believe it resides in the wearers of boat shoes. In her defense, she enjoys preying on the faux naïve. In my defense, I’m from New England and would dearly love to go yachting.

Luckily, there are a few measures one can take in order to avoid the temptation of slut magic and a vaguely remorseful morning.

Don’t Drink

This is silly advice, and more of a last resort than an actual option. However, a clean and sober state of mind is the key to walking away before he starts quoting “Anchorman” and it’s all over.

Educate Yourself On Defense

Actively recognizing what you are and aren’t attracted to is the first step of self defense. The simple difference between a popped collar or a bandana could be your breaking point. Whether it’s a sense of humor, baby face, or the textbook douchebag, recognize the symptoms and there’s a faint hope for a cure.

If you did not heed my hard earned wisdom and find yourself blinking into the harsh light of day through that window formerly known as opportunity, please absorb the following.

Get The Hell Out Of There

Unless this guy orders you a complete brunch spread at the Four Seasons, it’s just not worth it. Leave a number, get a number, or simply walk out the door with as little eye contact as humanly possible. Last night was the past, and today is as bright and new as jewelry via blackmail.

Etiquette

If you do feel the need to stay and chat, keep it brief and light. Don’t mess up your chance at seeing him again by rearranging his living room and preheating the oven for cookies. You might have taken a class on feng shui and can make a mean chocolate macaroon, but that still doesn’t mean you won’t come off as insane. Leave the crazy for a month into the relationship when he passes on “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” in favor of a basketball game. Then you throw his iPhone at the TV and run crying from the room.

Don’t Be Optimistic

Coming off of the last piece of advice, I will bet you my firstborn child’s law degree that this guy isn’t Mr. Right. He was Mr. Right for last night or Mr. Right with half a gin bucket and a joint. There’s no law saying you’re bound to a follow-up coffee date, dinner, or even giving out the right number. Due to recent advancements in social networking, even giving out the correct name is a hazard. The last thing you need is to become a nervous wreck because you just checked into Whole Foods via Foursquare, and are envisioning him popping out from behind an organic almond display. Sanity is precious; don’t squander it on the little things.

7

Respond

Email this to a friend

Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

sarahsolfails

Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

• @urbanJAP
• @sarahsolfails