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A lot of people love to watch (or hate-watch) The Bachelor. It’s not hard to understand the appeal: a bunch of beautiful people together in one house, vying for one guy or girl, add in copious amounts of alcohol, and the drama creates itself. That being said, I find the show rather trite and uninteresting, for two main reasons.
First, I know that the drama is largely fake. The ladies on the show, by this point, know that being dramatic will get them airtime and those who get more airtime will curry the producers’ favor. Now, I’m not saying that producers definitely whisper into the ear of the Bachelor, advising them to keep around certain girls because they will make for good TV, but…no actually I am. That definitely happens. That leads into the second reason, which is that the show has become less about winning and meeting the “love of your life” and more about getting screen time so you can get the callback for Bachelor Pad, get enough IG followers to endorse fit teas, or–fingers crossed–get the call to be America’s sweetheart on The Bachelorette.
In short, the metagame of the show has been completely changed, from trying to undermine girls to get the Bachelor’s affection to creating drama to stay on the show as long as possible, while still maintaining an endearing personality. The show’s format no longer really lends itself to creating authentic drama and competition between the girls; it’s become a glorified version of The Kardashians, with each girl trying to pimp themselves and leaving the leading man as basically a placeholder. Therefore, I propose that on the next season of The Bachelor, the producers do a massive pivot and incorporate the aspects of what makes other reality shows good and actually full of drama.
Survivor
Settle down, don’t get all excited, the idea isn’t what you’d immediately guess. We’re not going to put all these fame-starved drama queens ladies on a deserted island–even though they very well wouldn’t mind a 39-day diet of coconuts and rice to achieve their #fitgoals. No, my proposal is to take the competitive aspect of the reality TV Godfather to ramp up the drama by adding the voting and strategy aspect that Survivor captures so perfectly.
Each week, the Bachelorette-hopefuls will be responsible for voting out one of their own. The rose ceremony will remain, and those ladies who get roses will be safe from being voted out. However, the man-whore in charge will only be able to protect his very favorite sex-buddies, with the rest being thrown to the borderline-literal wolves. The amount of backstabbing and drama on this show is already high, can you imagine the shitstorm it will become when the gals start forming alliances to take out the girls they don’t like or perceive as possible winners? And if there was some sort of ability or rule that prevented the Bachelor from protecting his favorite honey all the way through, there might actually be some drama about who is likely to win, instead of the favorites who now usually separate themselves around week 4-5.
It would also be easy to fold into the idea of the show, letting the girls who see the dark side of their fellow contestant’s personality when the Bachelor is not around, have a say in who goes further in the game to prevent him from making a huge mistake. Also, during the vote off, instead of Probst’s famous “the tribe has spoken,” wouldn’t it be bomb-ass for Chris Harrison to look a sobbing 25-year-old blonde real estate agent and say coldly “the girls didn’t think you were here for the right reasons. It’s time to leave the mansion.” And we haven’t even touched on the possibility of Chris Harrison walking into the chateau, announcing that there is a Hidden Rose hidden somewhere in the house, handing them a riddle, and walking out. Watching these 20-somethings try to decipher a limerick and go digging up the rhododendron’s is must-watch television.
To Catch a Predator
I’m a man who barely watches The Bachelor or TCAP, but this was the idea that got me percolating. It was all because of the fact that I couldn’t for the longest time remember whether it was Chris Hanson, or Harrison, that hosted The Bachelor. And that confusion led me to an idea: every year put one or two seventeen-year-olds in the house, who can pass for nineteen or twenty. You let the head hunk know about the twist, but don’t tell him which girls are underage so he’s constantly on edge and risks offending the girls by assuming they are (or are not) too young for him. Of course, you make sure the girls and their parents consent, and make sure that our Bachelor and teeny-bopper don’t engage in any activities that would be illegal in the United States.
But if he starts to fall for one of the younger girls, and goes in for that first kiss, that’s when we have Chris Hanson pop out asking our prince of promiscuity to have a seat. The SWAT team storming the mansion is optional, but I think it would be a fantastic touch. If this whorish hunk can snuff out the underages and send them home for that reason, give him a little extra change. But if one of these younger aspiring models manages to trip him up, they get a nice cash prize.
The Mole
Perhaps the most underrated reality show to ever air, this would make the paranoia in the chateau incredible. Put several girls in the cast who aren’t actually vying for Don Juan’s heart. These girls are the Moles, planted there by the producers, and their goal is to make it to the end and get the Bachelor to pick her to be his future ex-wife. If she does it, our Bachelor leaves empty-handed (well, he’s probably not going to be empty-handed later that night if you catch my drift), and she gets a nice cash prize. Never will a Bachelor be paying more attention to the gossip among the harem about who is or isn’t there for the “right reasons.” And, it will add drama to the finale, as America watches breathlessly to see if this vapid virtuoso has found the love of his next year and a half, or if the producers will play the clown music and pop out the gotcha signs as the girl makes it rain on him with all the cash she just won for breaking his heart.
The Challenge
Take the strategy elements of Survivor, combine them with vaguely sexual physical challenges to get onto the week’s group date or one-on-one date, and fill the house with PCP. Actually, I’m not advocating to incorporate aspects of the Challenge into The Bachelor; I’m proposing we just swap the two shows wholesale. There’s a reason this show is referred to as America’s Fifth Major Sport. Now, all it needs is a prime-time slot and a hook into an existing audience.
The Simple Life
I have a theory that the reason that The Bachelor has such an atrocious rate of creating lasting relationships is that it forces two people to become intimate in the most over-the-top, fancy, bougie, romantic environment ever. It’s hard to go from five-star restaurants to hanging out at the local watering hole in the Bachelor’s hometown with his high school buddies Steve and the Nudge. Now, this is not entirely an apples-to-apples comparison to the Simple Life, but what if we made the Bachelor actually realistic?
Take a good-looking guy in his 20s from a mid-sized city (say Charlotte, NC or Milwaukee, WI, a city that’s large enough for a pro sports franchise or two), get 20 girls from the area, rent out a nice house, and run the show like it’s real life. The girls can still get drunk, do little challenges and group dates, but much more toned down. Instead of a picnic on the beach, it’s a picnic at the local park. Instead of a ski-trip to a lodge in Tahoe, it’s a trip to a minor-league hockey game. And if they really want to fuck with the contestants, the producers will make them pay for everything on the dates. Let’s see how much the ladies like the Bachelor when he forgets his wallet at the movies.
Shark Tank
This is the least likely, but possibly the best idea. Get the Bachelor, stick him in the back of the Shark Tank room, and bring out each of the possible contestants to pitch themselves to the Sharks as to why they should be the apple of this generic white dude’s eye. It’ll be formatted like The Voice, where each Shark can assemble a team of girls that they think will make the best temp-wife for our boy, and with each “audition” the Sharks will fight with each other to assemble the perfect roster. Watching Mark Cuban and Draymond John go head to head trying to land the recently graduated sorority girl from ‘Bama while Barbara screams “I’m out” over and over after hearing her showcase her singing talent is pure TV gold.
The rest of the show will proceed like normal, except that the Sharks will be in the house advising their team of girls. Come on, you can’t tell me you don’t want to see Mr. Wonderful right in the face of a teary-eyed 22-year old cosmologist screaming “what do you mean you didn’t put out? It’s the fantasy suite! This is the big leagues! If you’re not willing to go for the win here, what the hell did I even pick you for??”
Joe Millionaire
Joe Millionaire was a spoof of The Bachelor back in its infancy, and it was perhaps the apex of reality TV. The show set up a man, Joe Marriott, as the Bachelor stand-in, letting the gold-digging harpies contestants know that he was a millionaire. Spoiler: he wasn’t, and watching those women fall over themselves for a guy who was a construction worker, praying the girl he chose at the end would immediately sprint away after learning that he’s had overdraw fees galore was just delicious.
For this idea, we get a generic dude to be our Bachelor. Tell the girls he’s from one of the older seasons of The Bachelorette, and he went home relatively early. You could even bring on that Bachelorette or other contestants from that season to interact with this dude and the girls, making it seem legit. I mean it’s not like any of them have anything going on, I assume. And do you really think these 23-year-olds are going to remember each and every dude who was on the show a decade ago?
Once the trap has been laid, Chris/the producers reveal to the girls that the reason he is the new Bachelor is that our boy was in on the ground floor of some new revolutionary app making him, you guessed it, a millionaire. But at the show’s conclusion, after the proposal comes, Chris pulls the winning girl aside just before the credits and reveals the secret. Not only is this guy not a millionaire, he’s never been on TV. And then he offers her a choice: stay with this former nobody who Us Weekly won’t give a damn about putting on the cover, or dump him right now and be guaranteed to become the next Bachelorette. Now that’s how you end a season. .
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@joshetyler
@joshetyler
I won’t lie I didn’t read all of this, but I’m sure Crick will rebuttal so I’ll catch up then. BUT The Bachelor Series adapts by creating different shows, such as BIP. That is kinda like Survivor if you think about it, but instead of making friends you have to fuck people to stay in Paradise.
The Shark Tank idea is pure gold. I can actually Barbara and Lori doing a 50 / 50 split on a southern blonde with a Masters (read MRS) degree. Those ladies know a good ROI. Daymond’s team mascot would 100% be Bibana.
Actually see*
I second the need for an edit button.
Arie is gonna have a slight TCAP moment when Bekah finally reveals her age
This is my second season and I fully support some of these changes
I need Survivor and Joe Millionaire versions