How Mario Kart Almost Destroyed My Best Friend’s Wedding

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You would think that with all the added stress of a wedding, the bride and groom would want to spend their nights relaxing with friends or doing last minute touches to wedding plans. Well, you’re wrong.

Last night, Mario Kart (commonly known as a children’s video game) almost destroyed relationships. How is it that a children’s game can cause disdain, enragement, and aggression in adults? Because we are competitive as fuck, that’s how. It doesn’t matter whose fault it actually is. For example, when your own shell hits you, your opponent is always the asshole since they “totally pushed you into it.”

It’s all fun and games until the apple cider margaritas make an appearance and a bracket for a tournament has started. You start the night off with thinking, “What could possibly go wrong? This game is so much fun!” But then your night turns into “Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”

Prediction: Everyone will hate everyone by the end of the night.

Things that make the night memorable:

1. The first time someone curses at their opponent – it is now open season.

2. When your best friend’s fiancé is rooting for her to win, and when she does he gets so excited he pees himself “a little bit.”

3. When a controller goes flying across the room because “I quit. I’m done. SO DONE.”

4. Finally, any time the underdog wins and you scream so loud you get a call from your neighbor asking you to “calm the hell down.” Um, no. This is Mario Kart. This is more than a game.

Things that cause the realization that the night has spiraled down a bottomless pit of despair:

1. When you are referred to as the “Taco” of the friend group because you lost all the races and do not advance to the rest of the tournament. Fuck all of you. (And in case you don’t understand that reference, he is from the TV show The League. He is a perpetual dreamer who cannot seem to win a single game in their fantasy league, and never seems to have his life together. THANKS.)

2. When anyone asks, “Are you Mario?” to which you reply “Yes” and the reply is always “Fuck you.”

3. Finally, when you celebrate too early and lose the race just before the finish line causing you to be eliminated from the tournament.

One by one, people start disappearing from the room saying they are “tired of this bullshit” and they “don’t care anymore.” All of these are telltale signs of the people who have been defeated. You know the game has hit rock bottom when the lovebirds that are getting married in four days stop talking to each other, and then don’t leave the room together.

In hindsight, maybe playing in such a stressful time wasn’t the best idea. So kids, for the love of Mario, practice safe play. .

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Byefelicia