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The mourning period after getting dumped is unlike any other wave of emotions you’ll experience. You’ll likely go through all fives steps of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – and none of those stages will last for the same amount of time. But considering you’re probably not going to find any answers in the bottom of a bottle of bourbon, you have to methodical about how you go about getting back into the game.
On this week’s Touching Base, a caller let us know that she recently travelled to Napa where her boyfriend broke up with her. Anyone who makes you travel an exorbitant distance in order to break up with you probably isn’t worth your time anyway. I know because at the tender age of 19, I was dumped after taking a two-hour flight to see my long distance girlfriend. While eating a Chipotle fajita burrito ten minutes before leaving for the airport, she broke the news to me. Had Venmo existed at that time, I probably would’ve tossed her a request for the seafood dinner and various other dates we had over that long weekend. But instead, I just went home and got hammered for a few nights in a row to get everything out of my system.
And that’s also when I came up with my foolproof method of getting dumped, The Rule of Threes. Immediately upon getting kicked to the curb, you have to abide by these three rules:
3 Days After The Breakup
You have three days to do whatever the fuck you want. Take off work. Skip school. Drink whiskey. Smoke cigarettes. Leave town. Hook up with some strange. Lose a thousand bucks on a roulette table surrounded by a bunch of people you’ll never see again.
I don’t care what you do, but just do it. Getting dumped is one of the shittiest things that can happen to someone, debatably worse than losing your job. You have all the right in the world to drink your sorrows out of your system without anyone telling you otherwise.
After those three days are up? Tighten your shit up and get back to work.
3 Weeks After The Breakup
Over the next three weeks, you have one job and one job only – ignore the fuck out of the person who just broke up with you. Delete their number and write it on a piece of paper that you make your friend store in his or her wallet. Just whatever you do, don’t fire off an “I miss you” text at 11:30 at night when you’re feeling your worst.
Three weeks is the perfect amount of time to realize that you don’t need them and life goes on. Once that three weeks passes, seeing them in public becomes easier and you resent them less when they’re posting photos with another guy or girl on Snapchat. Three weeks clears the cobwebs and turns you into less of a crazy person. Away goes the wondering in your head who they’re sleeping with and in comes the confidence you need to get back out there.
3 Months After The Breakup
On this week’s episode, Dillon asked, “Do you guys believe in the ‘getting over someone by getting under someone’ method?” And you know what? I do.
Within three months of getting dumped, you need to get romantically involved with someone else. By no means does this mean to get into a long-term relationship. Getting into something that serious might be the worst thing you can do on the rebound. But someone you’re casually hooking up with? That works. Someone you’re text flirting with to pass time at work? That works too. Someone you’ve taken on a few sober-turned-drunk dates? Yep. Someone that texts you at 2 a.m. to see if you want to make some mistakes? Uh-huh.
But if you go on a three-month cold spell, all you’re going to do is harp on the past and feel bad for yourself.
Get out there. Mix it up. Download Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, whatever the fuck the kids are banging on these days. You owe them nothing. Especially if they make you fly to Napa to complete their dirty work.
Listen to us confront listener questions like this and more on Touching Base, which you can find on iTunes and SoundCloud. Make sure to subscribe so every episode goes directly to you without us having to shove it down your throats. It’s better for everyone that way. Check out the guys on video below and subscribe to our Grandex Media YouTube page here.
During this week’s episode, we discussed Matty B. putting everyone’s girlfriends on notice that he’s coming for them, responded to some listener voicemails, and ran through some “Real or Fake?” Vice headlines. As always, you can call our hotline at (800) 836-0235 and ask us anything your heart desires.
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