“Sunglasses and Advil,” Kanye tells us. Last night was, in fact, mad real.
Sunglasses have the miraculous ability to turn someone’s puffy, hungover face into the face of the asshole who happens to be wearing sunglasses indoors. While being that person is never a desirable quality by any stretch of the imagination, being consistently hungover at your same brunch spot doesn’t exactly help matters, either. It only takes a couple times before the regular Saturday morning bartender nudges one of the waiters and says,
“Well, look who it is.”
Your appearance speaks volumes about your condition the moment you enter the room. This notion is amplified when you’ve visibly persevered a long night of drinking, swipes underneath the bar in between conversations, and getting one star on your Uber ride home after begging to stop for some food that’ll inevitably give you heartburn.
A well-put-together outfit can transform you from “hungover mess” to “upstanding citizen who drinks responsibly” (even though you don’t).
And yes, your clothing is the main indicator of how hungover you actually are.
The Lazy Weekend
Male: Joggers, sneakers, cotton t-shirt, pullover (optional).
Female: Leggings/yoga pants, sneakers, oversized long-sleeve t-shirt.
Your night started innocently. Hell, as of Friday afternoon, you probably weren’t even sure if you were going out or not. But as the texts started to trickle in, your excitement began to build, and before you knew it, you found yourself on your third 6.8% ABV microbrew pint thinking,
“How’d I get this drunk already?”
Things escalated when you went to your second destination and someone bought a round of picklebacks, but luckily for you, you had the peace of mind to head home shortly thereafter.
You’re not trying to hide the fact that you’re hungover, but you’re also not trying to throw anyone’s trail off your scent. This hangover is nothing a couple afternoon light beers can’t fix before starting round two.
Hungover Scale: 5/10.
The Hot Mess
Male: Whatever was clean and/or atop the hamper.
Female: A shirt that’s questionably from a fling’s house, questionably nothing underneath.
“You smell like booze,” the rest of the table tells you while you chomp on a piece of gum you bummed off someone outside the restaurant.
Your attempt to order a “Bloody Mary with a sidecar of Miller High Life” falls on flat ears when you forget the word “sidecar” halfway through.
Someone asks you, “Do you even remember what you did last night after x-bar?” only for you to pretend to know but actually have no fucking clue.
You appear as though the rest of your clothes are in the wash, but deep down you know you’re just going to go home to “change” before meeting up at whichever bar everyone wants to convene at post-brunch. But “change” actually means “nap for three hours while Comedy Central plays in the background and a half-full beer gets warm on your bedside table.”
Hungover Scale: 7/10.
Male: Gym shorts, technical t-shirt, running shoes, pullover (optional).
Female: Leggings, technical shirt from a half-marathon, headband, Adidas Ultra Boosts.
You didn’t actually work out, but you want the rest of the people in the restaurant to think you worked out. You’re the same person who answers,
“No, I’m just tired,” whenever someone asks you,
“Are you hungover?”
Yes, you have a headache. Yes, you need to use the bathroom for more than just a number-one. But no, under no circumstances will you let anyone think that you’re actually struggling because your fifth glass of wine might’ve been too many.
“[Insert absent person’s name] cancelled spin with me this morning because they’re probably soooo hungover,” you tell everyone, even. In all reality, you *mentioned* spin class on Tuesday but never followed up because you didn’t really want to go.
Hungover Scale: 3/10.
The J. Crew Catalogue
Male: Chinos/jeans, button down shirt (open or closed)/henley, town coat, sunglasses, chukkah boots.
Female: Jeans, ruffled flannel, cardigan, statement necklace, ballet flats, messy bun.
If you have enough time to put together an actual outfit before you leave the house, you aren’t that hungover. You were smart enough to mix in some waters. You probably could’ve driven home rather than getting an Uber. You woke up and caught up on some ‘sodes of Mod Fam while you knew the rest of your friends wouldn’t wake up until five minutes before your reservation. You’re the responsible one of the group who either says, “I’ve got a lot to do tomorrow,” when everyone is out, or blabs on about being the “mom of the group.”
We get it, you have your fucking life together. Now shut up and stop judging everyone.
Hungover Scale: 1/10.
The Night Before
Male: Button down (wrinkled from waist down from previously being tucked in), stained pants, loafers, messy hair.
Female: Dress, smeared makeup, failed attempt at messy bun, fleece that looks like it was stolen from a bar.
“Oh my God,” someone in the group says about you as you plop down in the booth and order a “tall water.”
They look you up and down knowing you’re wearing the same thing as the night before only for you to answer,
“Yes, this is what I wore last night.”
You either didn’t have time to go home after leaving a rando’s house the next morning or you woke up so late that you knew everyone would order without you.
“They could totally make a reality show about your life,” they continue on while you debate leaving to buy some Advil at the convenience store across the street. But they already have made that reality show, and it was called The Jersey Shore.
You’re Snooki. Don’t be a Snooki.
Hungover Scale: 9/10.
May The Lord have mercy on your drunk soul, and may he turn all the glasses of wine you’re destined to have throughout the day to keep the ball rolling into water. The Still-Drunk’s outfit has no boundaries. While it could be any of the above in a desperate attempt to look sober, it’s quite possibly a sports jersey or gag shirt that was acquired in college after a random mixer.
The good? You’re ready to rock. The bad? Your life is going to be hell come the next day. The ugly? You.
Hungover Scale: N/A; Soon to be 10/10. .
Image via YouTube