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The mid-2000s were a sexy, sexy time. America was horny as hell and crazy about butts. Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, Britney Spears and any rapper that put “ass” in the hook of one of their songs were making it big thanks in part to America’s obsession with well-manicured backyards.
Those days are gone. We’re now stuck with the trend of high-waisted shorts, a terrible trend that has taken our luscious backdoors away from us–hidden behind stonewashed, frayed denim abominations. There’s no way we’ll look back in 20 years and prefer these monstrosities over the beauty of a bare midriff.
Low-rise jeans were the sexiest fashion trend of all time and you can’t tell me otherwise.
Belly Button Rings
Call them trashy. Call them disgusting. I’m all for a woman decorating herself up to look like an ancient Egyptian goddess, so if that means she’s going to mutilate her innie, more power to her. There’s nothing like seeing the little twinkle of a little gold or silver dancing around between a halter top and a Levi-Strauss nickel button.
I think Frank Ricard explained it best.
I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And, uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think, well, maybe they’re silk panties, maybe it’s a thong. Maybe it’s something really cool that I don’t even know about.
It’s ingrained in a man’s DNA. They just want to know what a woman’s got going on under there. The subtle peek of a g-string would always get the imagination running. What else does she have going on down there? I don’t mean to be creepy. I’m just curious. The whale tail gave us a glimpse into a part of a woman’s physique that we otherwise would never get to see. Nothing wrong with looking.
There’s nothing that says “I’m an All-American girl” like a woman in a white tank top and blue jeans. I dare you to find something more quintessentially American than that–well, maybe that one time Sarah Palin shot bears from a helicopter with a sniper rifle or whatever. I digress. I assume the high-waisted shorts trend originated in Europe, where all bad things originate: the British Empire, Facism, ABBA, you get the drill. This is America. Dress American.
The Extinction of “Mom Butt”
You had to have a nice little behind to fill out a low-fitting pair of Luckys, thus began the butt fitness craze. Hell, we probably wouldn’t have the beautiful Jen Selter if it weren’t for the low-rise phase. Long gone were the days of nine-inch zippers and pleats. Rock them hip bones. Point them to the sky. Women in America had hidden their beautiful, child-bearing hips for far too long before they started pointing those iliums out there (that’s the technical term for hot, pointy hip bones).
ASS ASS ASS
I alluded to it before, but America wouldn’t be where it is today without the glorious low-cut blue jean/khaki short/camouflage cargo capris phase. It brought booty into the mainstream and celebrated the beauty that is a woman’s caboose. A generation of ass men, born from hacking off two inches of fabric.
I don’t know where we went wrong along the way, but the low rise fashion trend has seemingly gone away and we may never see the beauty that is a woman’s bare midriff and thousands of belly-button piercing stores are going out of business because we are now forcing women to cover up their wonderful bodies. I say let it fly.
Let’s bring it back, America.