Here’s To You, iPhone Asshole


It’s safe to say that most of us do not enter into business meetings with an overwhelming sense of excitement, particularly when your superiors are also in attendance. On rare occasions you do “get to” attend a meeting with fellow employees who are more or less your equals. Then, of course, there’s the self-important prick I like to call Mr. iPhone Asshole. I say mister only based on personal experience, and also because Miss iPhone Bitch doesn’t really have the same ring to it.

This is the guy who wields no major clout (nor does he act as the direct assistant to someone with major clout), but insists on syncing his personal phone with his work email, even though it is entirely unnecessary and he does it purely to make himself feel more important. The 30 minute lapse between when the email arrives in his inbox and when he sees it if he’s away from his desk is simply too much, even though it’s about as important as the friendly reminder management sends out every three months to please use the handrails when walking up and down the stairs.

Mr. iPhone Asshole also visibly carries his phone (though he may refer to it as his “mobile” or “cellular” if he’s exceptionally pretentious) with him to almost every meeting he attends. He sets it visibly on the table in a passive-aggressive proclamation that says, “LOOK! I’m important! Srsly! I’m more important than you because I have to have my iPhone with me all the damn time!” Worst of all, and I do mean WORST of all – he sets the phone on the table and proceeds to let it buzz, ding, chirp, whistle, moo or whatever else every 13 seconds for the entire hour-long meeting.

Would he ever concede to using a subtler (though admittedly stodgy) belt clip? Hell no! That symbol of technological prowess must be right out there for God, the world and everyone to see just how vital it is that he remain in everlasting contact with the rest of the company who may or may not know who in the Sam Hill he is in the first place.

Interestingly enough, you’ll notice that Mr. iPhone Asshole is much less likely to display his precious iPhone at meetings where his superiors are present. God forbid he give the impression that he thinks he’s is as important as the guy who actually signs his paycheck. This only goes to show that is does, in fact, have some semblance of professional decorum, but merely chooses to ignore it in front of those he deems less worthy, and therefore owes about $3K to the douchebag jar.

So here’s to you, Mr. iPhone Asshole, go pour yourself another lukewarm cup of free office coffee, stand in the break room appearing to check email (read: surfing Facebook like the rest of us), and giving your professional ego a little metaphorical masturbation.

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Spaceman Spiff

Now a graduate with a few years of business "experience", Spiff didn't exactly turn into the interplanetary explorer extraordinaire he had hoped to become. Instead, he spends his days as a cynical desk jockey, moonlighting as a Contributing Writer for PGP and marching ever closer to the big 3-0, which has only fueled his transition from quarter-life crisis straight into thrisis.

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