Hats Are Nothing More Than A Crutch For Bald Men

Hats Are Nothing More Than A Crutch For Bald Men

I rarely wear hats out in public. I can count on one hand the number of days in the past year where I’ve decided that I wanted to step out with my friends to a bar or patio donning a hat. It’s not that I don’t like hats because quite frequently I find myself admiring them on other peoples heads.

Dad hats are really in vogue right now and I even have a couple collecting dust in my closet. I stopped buying hats long ago because I just don’t wear them enough to get my money’s worth.

Any hat that you see me in nowadays was either given to me or taken from a bin in my parents’ basement, where my dad throws hats that he has either gotten from work, golf tournaments, fundraisers, etcetera and so on.

Outside of the ski cap, which in my opinion should only be utilized when the conditions outside are too cold for a person’s ears to be out naked in the elements, I see no reason for a person to be wearing any sort of hat, ball cap, or otherwise.

If you have hair on your head why are you hiding it underneath a silly hat? Hair is something that men take for granted. I see young go-hards in their late teens and early twenties hiding thick, luscious hair underneath an aforementioned “dad hat” and silently curse them.

It’s a waste to not be showing off your hair and the brim of the hat only makes matters worse. You think women want to talk to some guy that is wearing something which impedes nearly half of their facial features? Hell no.

And let us not forget about the fact that wearing hats all of the time puts pressure on existing hair follicles. This all but guarantees a shorter path to becoming a bald man with each decision to pop your Tigers, Yankees, or Astros hat on your head.

For centuries, men have worn hats of all shapes and sizes as a fashion statement or to show support for a team, but I’ve come to the conclusion that there is an ulterior motive behind wearing hats.

It’s a cop-out for the bald men of this world to try and get away with tricking their peers into thinking they’ve got something luscious going on underneath.

Let me say upfront that I am not a baldist. This isn’t a hit piece on bald men and it isn’t meant to sound insulting. I’m simply shining a light on a topic that is right there in front of all of us every day.

We’re choosing to ignore it because no one wants to be labeled a baldist. No one wants to discriminate against the bald men of this country. Some of the greatest Americans of all time were bald. Larry David comes to mind. Bruce Willis. Vin Diesel and Jason Statham. Frank Sinatra wore elaborate hair pieces for years because, for one thing, he couldn’t get up on stage with a baseball hat on, but also because he just didn’t want people to see what he really was.

And in a way, aren’t all bald men kind of like Old Blue Eyes? They’re self-conscious for sure, and guess what is way cheaper and easier to put over a bald scalp than a hairpiece every day? You guessed it – the baseball hat.

I feel for the bald and balding men of the earth. It’s a sad state of affairs no doubt, and I look in the mirror every day just wondering if or when the power alleys I have on either side of my forehead start to noticeably recede.

I won’t waste any day that I have hair by wearing a baseball cap, and just know that when you see someone out on the town with one on, there’s a pretty good chance that that guy has nothing going on up top.

I hope I’m not blowing up anyone’s spot by writing a piece about how bald men wear hats to cover up their dirty secret. Just know that I know. And to the men reading this with hair left on their head – stop wearing hats. You never know when your last day with hair on your head is going to be. Your hair should be celebrated, not hidden.

Image via Youtube

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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