Grandex Office Ping Pong Power Rankings: Week 4

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Every week here on Peej, we’ll be presenting and commenting on the updated standings of everyone here at Grandex who plays enough ping pong to qualify for the Grandex Office Ping Pong Power Rankings system. The algorithm used is secret to everyone but commissioner Joe Nullet, and the rankings are only updated on Monday mornings. The secrecy involved affords us BCS-era drama, but in 2018. Glory, outrage, and everything in between await.

Here are this week’s updated rankings:

Assorted Comments

1. Bow down.

2. Been saying this for a while: Jay is better than his 0-17 record shows. Dude’s got a TON of potential.

3. Pretty sure we’re running low on ping pong balls, which could be devastating down the line.

4. BIG jump from Phil week over week, no doubt assisted by his taking down the office #1 (me) last Tuesday.

5. Cisco *insert eyes emoji here*.

6. Will — the former office #1 — is sitting at .500.

7. As of yesterday, I have now lost the past two games I’ve played first on Tuesdays. Sneaky shooters will schedule that slot on my ping pong schedule spreadsheet in the coming weeks.

8. My ping pong schedule spreadsheet is going phenomenally; thanks for asking.

Two-Sentence Interview Of The Week

Jared: “What do you think is the origin story behind ping pong?”

Will: “There was an egg that wouldn’t break at an 1800s farmhouse. In an attempt to break said egg, two young boys — Claude and Bastienne — took their mother’s breakfast plates and decided to hit it back and forth across the dinner table. As the egg began to bounce, they each began backing off the table while adding aggressive topspin in an effort to outdo the other. As it turned out, the egg wasn’t an egg at all, but a plastic ball their glassblowing father had mistakenly made while trying to create a pipe. While grounded, they played the game for hours on end until their friends soon caught on. The game, as we know it today, was originally called ‘Pierre Pong’ in honor of their father. It was later changed after a gentleman actually named “Pierre Pong” filed a claim against it, thus the name ‘Ping Pong.'”

This response alone makes up for last week’s nightmare of a write-up.

This Week’s Featured Image Addition

I added a clip art ping pong paddle to the featured image this week. It kinda makes it look like there’s a ghost playing ping pong right here in our office, which I think is pretty neat!

Main Feature

*insert eyes emoji here again*

Here’s the deal: Cisco is the best ping pong player in the office. I know the rankings say otherwise, but nobody here at Grandex — myself included — thinks I’m better than him. I’d say my all-time record against him is something like 2-14, but I may have even caught more Ls than that.

That being said, he lacks the volume so cherished by the all-knowing algorithm to snatch that top spot away from me. Despite being undefeated, he’s only sitting in fourth place given the fact he’s played significantly less games than most people. With his job requiring him to be out of the office a significant amount, there’s an interesting dynamic at play here that will see it take a while for the office’s true #1 player to achieve the official moniker.

There’s currently an unspoken agreement between Cisco and I that we won’t challenge one another to a game until he’s got some more wins under his belt and has a legitimate chance to jump me. Then again, I say this and Cisco is probably going to read this, challenge me tomorrow, and beat me just for shits (Cisco — here’s where you go to sign up if I’m right). Even a 7-0 skunk wouldn’t be enough to jump me just yet, though (I assume? Nobody really knows how this damn algorithm works).

Also, fun fact: Cisco and I haven’t played in, like, 2 years or something crazy like that. Should be a wild showdown when it finally goes down.

See you next week..

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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (@JaredBorislow) is a Senior Editor for Grandex Inc and the supreme leader of the Bone Zone.

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