One of the little things in corporate life that get us through our nine-to-five days, and something everyone with internet access is guilty of, is surfing the web looking for mindless, three-minute-at-a-time distractions (thanks for visiting PGP!). They break up our mundane, busy-work tasks, like miniature utopias of fun time killers amidst the barren desert of a typical work day. Kate Upton turned 21 today? Okay neat, I’ll check out that same gallery of tit pics I’ve already viewed a hundred times before. A B2 Bomber is going to perform a flyover at the Ohio State-Michigan game? Absolutely I’ll meet the pilot in this 900-word ESPN The Magazine interview. I love the military AND college football. Video of a bare-assed streaker at a college tennis match? Sure, as long as there is no full-frontal shot to speak of. Or hell, even if there is a little visible wiener, no one has to know. We’re all over that shit, aren’t we?
This content is vital to any average corporate grinder. Now, and full disclosure here, my job is pretty atypical in this department. I actually have the esteemed honor of sifting through the never-ending, entertaining internet content in an effort to find the best, format it, make it look all nice, then provide commentary on it, and I do it for you. I’m on your team here, and I love it. I like to think I handle the heavy lifting for you.
While performing my daily content scouring on Tuesday, I came across an article on Daily Mail that I found repulsive — absolutely irresponsible, negligent, and borderline criminal. It was an article revealing the amazing facilities of the Google Headquarters in Mountain View, California. It was basically a virtual tour. You ever take an online virtual tour of that lakefront mansion in your city that you’ll never be able to afford, you know, just to daydream a little and see what it’s like on the other side, knowing that you’ll never be the one watching a movie in that 24-person home theater with stadium seating, or signing papers in that two-story office/library made of rich, hand-etched mahogany? It’s interesting to see how they live, but it also just pisses you off.
For Google to open their HQ doors to a journalist and his camera guy, or really just any Joe Schmo with a point-and-click, is the asshole corporation move to end all asshole corporation moves — the equivalent of some Wall Street hotshot asking you if you want to see what he’s got under the hood of his Ferrari while you’re perusing your local Honda dealership’s used car lot.
“No thanks, pal. I’ve actually been eye-balling this ’08 Civic. It’s a four-banger, but it’s got leather interior and only 28,000 miles on it. We’re talking numbers now. I’m getting a steal. Nice car you have there, though. You fucking asshole.”
That Ferrari owner is Google. “Under the hood” is the inside of Google HQ. It’s impressive, to say the least. From billiards to massages to hottubs and lap pools to an arcade to gourmet meals to leather massage chairs to putting greens, to, well, it has have everything you could want. And it’s all free. It makes you wonder how those nerds ever get anything done.
Take a look: