======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Goldberg, THE GOALIE, has clearly been having a rough go of it since graduating from Eden Hall Academy. I assumed being the backup to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney on an all men’s hockey team would have been the low point of this Mighty Duck’s career, but I was mistaken. In documents obtained by TMZ, Goldberg, whose real name is Shaun Weiss, is accused of trying to urinate on his ex-girlfriend after knocking her around worse than Team Iceland did to Team USA in D2.
The ex-girlfriend claims that she returned home one evening to a heavily intoxicated Goldberg, who threatened to kill her. After leaving for a few hours in an attempt to ice the goalie, she returned again. This time the goalie man was standing in her bed, holding a machete, because why wouldn’t Goldberg own a machete? After the ex-girlfriend attempted to hide in another room, Goldberg dropped his gloves and broke down the door. He then proceeded to attempt to pee on her while shouting, “This is all you’re worth!” We are not clear if the attempted R. Kelly was successful.
The story, however, takes a twist when it is reported that Goldberg himself called the police. When the police arrived on the scene, the ex-girlfriend was arrested. I can only imagine that Gordon Bombay will be representing him in court. Goldberg has been reached out to by numerous news organizations but has no comment on the matter.
I can’t speak to why Goldberg is having this public breakdown. Maybe he is finally realizing that he clearly peaked in high school. Or, perhaps, he never fully recovered from the tragic death of Hans. Either way, it seems as though it is time to pull the goalie.