======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Goldberg, THE GOALIE, has clearly been having a rough go of it since graduating from Eden Hall Academy. I assumed being the backup to Julie “The Cat” Gaffney on an all men’s hockey team would have been the low point of this Mighty Duck’s career, but I was mistaken. In documents obtained by TMZ, Goldberg, whose real name is Shaun Weiss, is accused of trying to urinate on his ex-girlfriend after knocking her around worse than Team Iceland did to Team USA in D2.
The ex-girlfriend claims that she returned home one evening to a heavily intoxicated Goldberg, who threatened to kill her. After leaving for a few hours in an attempt to ice the goalie, she returned again. This time the goalie man was standing in her bed, holding a machete, because why wouldn’t Goldberg own a machete? After the ex-girlfriend attempted to hide in another room, Goldberg dropped his gloves and broke down the door. He then proceeded to attempt to pee on her while shouting, “This is all you’re worth!” We are not clear if the attempted R. Kelly was successful.
The story, however, takes a twist when it is reported that Goldberg himself called the police. When the police arrived on the scene, the ex-girlfriend was arrested. I can only imagine that Gordon Bombay will be representing him in court. Goldberg has been reached out to by numerous news organizations but has no comment on the matter.
I can’t speak to why Goldberg is having this public breakdown. Maybe he is finally realizing that he clearly peaked in high school. Or, perhaps, he never fully recovered from the tragic death of Hans. Either way, it seems as though it is time to pull the goalie.
Respond
TheOriginalReaganaut
Working in Chicago's Loop, living on the Northside and doing a piss poor impression of an adult.
What a terrible tactical call by Coach Bombay to start Goldberg over Julie The Cat
Coach Bombay saved himself by bringing in Julie the Cat cold off the bench because she had the fast glove. And Gunnar Stahl only has one move. Triple deke, glove side.
What if he goes stick?
He’s fancy, he’ll go glove.
A little disappointed in the lack of Heavy Weights references in this one, but we’ll let it slide just this once.
Amateur hour on my part. I guess nobody’s seen more butts than me.
You’ve broken my camera ::thick swedish accent::
Just one second behind you there on the Heavy Weights reference.
There are some people that should remain overweight. Shaun Weiss is definitely one of them. I can’t look at him today, because all I think about is Goldberg, and Josh Burnbalm from Heavy Weights. “Josh Burnbalm! Step on up! Get on the scale, son!” *High-five* “Alright. GET OFF THE SCALE.”
In no way was he going to be a skinny weiner