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Ghosting is an absolute trash thing to do. For full transparency, I have ghosted two people in my life. I was 22 years old, at the apex of a dating binge, and I was taking a deal closers only approach to the bumble game.
After a while, however, the grind left me fatigued and I did the unspeakable. Twice.
The first guy I ghosted was a lawyer that was far too old for me, and honestly I was a little nervous that he was my parent’s financial adviser. He really loved wine bars and invited me on a trip to China with him after date number two. Hence, the ghosting.
The second guy I ghosted was a trendy British boi. Out in LA to make it big in the film business, he bought me dinner and asked nicely if he could kiss me on the first date. Poor kid got his bike stolen outside the bar one night. He texted me that he should have named his bike after me because “it was stolen just like his heart.” Hence, the ghosting.
Following the British boi, I dated someone I liked. He was a tech guy and we met in the wild, sans apps. He too enjoyed martinis and Joe Rogan (I was certain I had found my soul mate). We went out a few times, then just like that, he was gone.
Was it karmic punishment for my having already ghosted two perfectly nice men? Maybe. Was he just not that into me? Probably.
Either way, I felt like trash. Being ghosted was worse than a break up because I had so many questions! Was it something about me? Did he not deem our relationship important enough to warrant a break up text? Was I completely disposable to him?
We all know that ghosting is about the ghoster, not the ghostee. It’s a reflection of the ghoster’s mental state and their general capacity for compassion and should not for a moment be taken as a reflection of the ghostee’s dateability. Still though, it blows.
I have since been ghosted by 1 other guy, tying up my ghoster to ghostee ratio to 2:2. This seems only fair. The two cases where I was the ghostee still sting a bit. They make me feel vulnerable somewhere in the pit of my stomach.
That is, they used to make me feel vulnerable, until I realized these guys weren’t ghosting at all. They don’t in fact have the guts to ghost. What they were doing, was submarining.
Ghosting, as we all know, is when you disappear without a trace. Submarining is ghosting, just with an unexpected and painfully delayed return. The mate will disappear, as if submerged deep into the ocean without cell service or Wi-Fi, only to re-emerge months later, bobbing to the surface without any warning.
You know you are the victim of a submarine if, after 3-6 months of radios silence, you receive one of the following text messages:
“Hey Stranger! Long time no see, I miss you!”
“Did I just see you outside the bar? It’s been forever dude!”
“Wow, work swallowed me these past 6 months. I hope you’re well! Still living in the same place?”
“;ADSF….;;;GAHGR – come ovr P;LZ!”
In the last month, this has happened to me twice. I saw both my ghosters names’ pop up on my phone and was floored. How should I respond?!
My gut instinct was to let them have it, just lay into them about being a cancerous side-effect of the disintegrating millennial dating landscape. I wanted to tell them that I hope they have an unfortunate biking accident that renders them impotent.
After my immediate gut instinct for revenge however, my next emotion was curiosity. A small part of me misses each one of them and I do long for the familiar comfort of what we had. Could things still work?
All of my friends said I should delete the texts, their numbers, and move on. I probably would have said the same thing to myself, if I wasn’t you know, a masochist.
In the end I responded to both submariners. All of the sudden I felt like I had the upper hand.
The minute these guys put their tails between their legs and came back for more, the power dynamics switched from me being a victim of their ghosting to me controlling whether or not their submarine would be allowed to surface for air.
I’m still talking to the tech guy. His little submarine bobbed to the surface and I couldn’t help but take it for a test spin, to see if everything was still running as smoothly as before.
It is.
I’m fully aware that it’s a bad idea. Submarines are dangerous and volatile, and kill like an unprecedented amount of people per year. But I can’t help myself!
I feel kind of high on power, but am I a fool for thinking that maybe his intentions are better the second time around? Am I setting myself up for tech guy to pull another fast one on me?
Maybe. Ultimately though, if I get hurt again, I know what I’m getting into. Any potential heartbreak is on me.
It’s like J. Cole always says;
“Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, can’t put the blame on you
Fool me three times, fuck the peace sign
Load the chopper, let it rain on you:”
Ya feel?.
Respond
CallMeVictoria
Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com
@callmevictoria
@itwasvictoria
If things fizzle out with a guy I delete everything: their number, their texts, their number from recent contacts, and any calls we had. Mostly this is because I have a very severe drunk texting problem, but nothing gives you the upper hand more than “Hey, who is this?”
What about social media? Always interesting to see if they are the first person to see my story
In my experience the only place i’m connected is Snapchat, so I won’t view any of their stories, but they still usually view mine
I just got paid $6784 working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over $9k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. This is what I do… Onlinecareer10.com
^ Seriously, what I am going through now, which wasn’t happening nearly as fast when we were actually seeing each other.
PUT DOWN THE PHONE AND GO OUTSIDE MOTHERFUCKER
I DONT KNOW WHAT WERE YELLING ABOUT
LOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUD NOISES
Tech guy is gonna try and flip that power dynamic real quick. The minute he gets up in his feelings, whip out the two week ghost. Just to remind him who’s in charge.
Modern dating also seems like hell.
Can confirm modern dating is, in fact, hell
Can double confirm. Not for the faint of heart.
The “hey stranger” text instantly makes me angry. Can’t stand when people pop back in out of the blue.
I just got paid $6784 working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over $9k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. This is what I do… www.Jobzon3.com
I never really got bothered by people popping back up unless they do it to be rude. If anything, it ends up being funny.
This is when you need to say: “New phone, who’s this.”
I usually ignore the first text when they submarine, but if they have the guts to text me again I’m usually intrigued enough to respond.
Submarining, zombie-ing, breadcrumbing, I can’t keep up with all the modern forms of rejection.
If a guy ghosts you it’s probably because the two of you weren’t really connecting well, or there was another girl who came around (could be an ex) that he feels more strongly for. If he “submarines” you it’s probably because it didn’t work out with that other girl and now he may see you as a sure(r) thing than hopping back on bumble.
This is why you just block them so you never have to worry about this