Grand Theft Auto V was released as of midnight on Monday, which you probably heard about between the anguished outcry of anti-gaming crusaders, parents scared for the purity of their children’s childhoods, and those of us freaking out at the chance to return to the days of video gaming yore. You know, the days where teenage-you could drive around, pick up virtual hookers, then beat them up to get your money back. It’s not the best lesson in gender issues or in morality, but I turned out fine, so it can’t be that bad, right? *puts down bottle of whiskey, continues writing*
Right, so GTA V is priding itself on realism. Since you’ll be visiting fake Southern California, you’ll want to know what sights to take in while you’re there. You know, places to go, people to see, shit to blow up. All of it.
1) Fly the not-so-friendly skies.
GTA V is a game that allows you to take your exploration vertical, be it in giant blimp or fighter jet. I really recommend the latter, because blimps make me think Hindenburg, and I’m allergic to explosions. Of course, strafing runs with the fighter don’t seem to trigger my allergies so maybe I’m just allergic to being on fire. In any case, the Los Santos region and all surrounding areas are huge. Make sure to hop in something with wings, an engine, and a solid payload of pre-armed death to take in the sights, or rain destruction upon the countryside.
2) Visit the local sea life.
Rockstar finally concentrated on life under the sea, complete with animals both friendly and hungry. Ever want to swim with the sharks without all the dangers that come with a being near something with teeth like steak knives? Look no further. Just watch out for your boat wandering off on you, unless you want to re-create a virtual version of any terrible movie about being stranded at sea.
3) Get a hooker.
Never bought a hooker in real life, because you’re a reasonable, common sense-abiding adult? Now’s your chance to get a virtual one. Admittedly, it won’t be as satisfying as actual sex, but it’s much cheaper and you won’t die five years later from the hepatitis you contracted from said streetwalker. Also, if you’re feeling really cheap, you can take the age-old GTA advice and hold her up for the money afterward. Not that I’m condoning violence towards virtual hookers.
4) Up your arsenal.
Like a game that provides a solid list of weapons to play with? You’ll be happy to note that you basically can wield any weapon your fucked up in-game avatars can get their hands on. RPG? Check. Absurd melee weapons? Check. Things that go boom? You bet your ass. The only thing you need now is a healthy love of virtual destruction and some creativity. It’s no use playing a GTA game if you don’t play it in a way that makes politicians want to come to your house and put you on some kind of watch list.
5) Be a real estate mogul.
Buying property in GTA V is more complex than any of the previous entries, but it’s also a lot more fun. You can basically play property developer in the game, which is cool if you like wanton murder in your advanced property developer simulator. Party at the house turned into a bloodbath in your pool when the mob showed up? Sell the house and buy a new one. Actually, you probably can’t do that yet. Games haven’t reached the point where they have “random Sopranos episode generators” built into them.
6) Indulge in your love of extravagant vehicles.
One of the pre-order bonuses for the game was a custom Porsche look-alike with similar handling and top speed. The attention to detail on vehicles in this installment is crazy. If you like shit that runs on motor power of any kind, you’ll have fun with this game. The world is large enough to be a really complex driving simulator on it’s own, the story and crazy comedy are just icing on the cake. So, if you aren’t pulling down enough a year to buy that M6 you wanted, get the GTA equivalent. Plus, it’s a lot easier to do 150 miles an hour and wash blood off the hood if you aren’t doing it in real life.